I can't find your post but would like to read up and follow it I think that we are both in a similar sitch and can maybe help each other through. What's it called and where can I find it?
I agree that you need to allow the relationship between your H and your kids to be theirs and theirs alone. Especially since all your kids are grown up. If they all want a relationship with him they will nurture it and vice-versa. Any interference from you at this point will only serve to make you look bad. It certainly will not bring you to a new friendship with H, which is your goal right now.
This doesn't mean that you cannot show happy interest in their goings on. I would recommend that you keep doing what you did yesterday, it was a smart approach. H will like it. If he likes it, it's a good thing!!
You can find my thread by clicking on my name and finding:
"So, does he WANT to reconcile OR NOT that's the ?"
I have not posted on it much because I can't. When I say I can't., I could, but it does not seem to do me much good emotionally. I do plan to post the highlights and keep the day to day trivia out for now. It's so hard for me. I don't know if this makes any sense or not to you.
I am planning on updating it soon....
I think I am at a point in time where I am OK with the sitch as it is....if it goes either way I will be fine. It seems once a person reaches the point I am at the emotions calm way down and you actually harden to it all. I am for the most part now without any emotion. I have a hard time being angry, crying, happy, hopeful, etc... I know I hurt, maybe I am somehow masking the rest. I feel rather numb now..... Rambling here for the most part....
I have some great friends and we get out and have fun. I have a wonderful 13 year old son, he is joy to do stuff with. I have two jobs that keep me busy. I have my home, I maintain alone. My life is full enough for now....I will keep DB, I truly want my H to come back to us. Standing for me isn't so much of an option anymore, I have invested way too much time on it to turn back now.
Thank you for showing interest in my sitch, it's fun having friends on this BB, this is a wonderful group of people.
Have a wonderful afternoon!!
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Questions of the day. My H sent some stuff back to me via the kids. I’m not happy with this, they should not be used as ‘go-betweens’. We’ve previously discussed this and I thought we agreed that we wouldn’t use them in this way. So what to do, 1. Email requesting that he doesn’t do this again which would set a boundary but may annoy him; he may respect this eventually? 2. Let it go, keep the peace even though I’m unhappy. Is it too trivial to bother with?
I wouldn’t care if any other friend returned stuff through the kids, but then he’s not any other friend is he?
I agree the kids should not be used as go-betweens.
I have never had the problem. It's going to be hard for me to answer so I hope someone else chimes in here as well with an opinion.
For me it would depend on the content of the item. Something of trivia would not bother me as much as something I would rather they not have knowledge about.
There are so many variables......
It's possible that he thought they would see you before he would, thus he sent it back with them.
It's possible it wasn't an item of importance so he didn't give it a thought that you would not approve of the mode of return.
It's possible he sent it back through them to avoid you.
It's possible he isn't thinking about the agreement you two had at all and doesn't care. In a MLC frame of mind any and all agreements are in the moment only, good for right now....next time it's something completely different.
It's possible he has completely forgotten about the agreement altogether. Again back to the MLC mind.
If your H is in MLC he doesn't care if you are unhappy. Setting boundaries will definitely annoy him. It's likely that anything you decide to do here will be the wrong choice. I don't try and say this to hurt you. You cannot deal in any way shape or form with the MLC H.
I think if it were me, I would simply call and say "thank you H for returning the ( ), I hope you have a wonderful day/evening".
It's so hard Bonny, I think to create the atmosphere with your H that you are not an enemy is rather important here right now. He doesn't view you as a friend right now. You need to give him thoughts that he can approach you without being condemned for something everytime you two connect. If everytime you guys see or talk to each other, you are pointing out a displeasure on your part to him he will avoid you. He cannot handle what he will consider your problems and will avoid you like crazy. Remember right now it's all about his likes and wants.
I do not agree one bit with the thoughts that run through a MLC mind. I think it is crap. I have learned to navigate through in dealing with one. I also realize there are similarities and just as many differences because the men are different people with different personalities.
If you read about me, you will see that I decided against boundaries. In my sitch boundaries would not have helped one bit. They would have created the end of my marriage so fast I would not have seen it coming.
In a way your H is setting a boundary with you by using the kids to return the item. Let him have his boundary. It's his choice and at the same time his loss. There will be consequences. That is why I simply would say thanks and offer a nicety, and I would do it with an upbeat tone wearing a smile. Then let it go.
I hope this is helpful, there is no way to know how to approach something. This is when hindsight is 20/20. Unfortunately we are not equipped with the talent.
Have a good day bonny,
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
You're right though I don't think he's given it a thought. He's certainly not considered the implications of using the kids in this way. He seems to have stopped thinking about anyone apart from himself. He knows that the kids disapprove of OW yet he continues to see her even though he says it's not important. If it's not important and you're kids don't approve you don't do it right?
Anyway back to the original question. I think you're right I will just thank him for returning the books and leave it there. Of course if he continues to do this particularly over more important issues I will then remind him of our agreement.
I could put something like:
"Thanks for returning the stuff. It's appreciated. BTW I thought we'd agreed to do that sort of thing directly rather than through the kids?"
Which shouldn't upset him but will remind him of what we agreed.
Thanks Sanderika. Any more thoughts. Anyone else got an opinion?
This sitch has rendered me unable to make the simplest decision sometimes. Ugh!!
Oh, I so know that feeling.
I make pretty big decisions everyday in my life and yet when it comes to h I am rendered practically incapable! When he left it destroyed a lot of my confidence and it is taking me a while to get it back. When faced with rejection like that it builds fear and makes it really hard. What you're feeling is perfectly natural and is what the board is for
H away on the weekend so haven't got reply to me thank you email. One's not really necessary although would be nice.
My goal I think should be getting back to being friends. It's true what Sanderika says he's got going to approach me if he always feels on edge and that he's going to get an earful. So my goal is to get some sort of dialogue going probably through email at first as that's how he normally contacts me.
I've got a few jobs to do in the family home and should ask him to do them but I'm not going to - best to remain dim if not dark right?
Is there someone else you could ask to do the jobs? Would it make him take notice if you were getting along fine without him? Either you doing the jobs yourself (independent) or having someone else in your life that could "take his place" and take care of those things instead of him? That might be a something different enough to shake things up a bit ... but I don't know your situation.
If you do plan on taking care of it, might now hurt to let it slip that he doesn't have to worry about it anymore? (Maybe?)
