My wife and I have been separated for a little over two months now. She says she wants to file, but she’s only waiting because she starts a new job 8/18/09 and she needs to get a few weeks under her belt to get health insurance and a few months under her belt to get a refinance on our house.
Both my wife and I come from poor backgrounds. My mother left and divorced my father when I was three. Father got custody of my sister and me, but he was very abusive physically and emotionally to both of us. My mother died about 18 months ago or so of cancer. I’ve not spoken to my father for months. My sister is the only family contact I have right now. My wife’s mother is an alcoholic and tried committing suicide (sort of) 2 or 3 times since my wife was a mid teenager. Her mother has sort of recovered but she’s so jacked up on anti anxiety meds that you can hardly tell at times. My wife’s 30 year old sister died in a car accident last spring. I feel that all these problems combined play a major roll in our sitch. I’ve reacted poorly to my problems through depression, drinking and isolation over the past 3 or 4 years.
I’ve made some pretty nice progress with my personal stuff this past year, but y wife is just starting to figure out what some of her demons are since we’ve separated. She’s very unhappy right now. When I ask her if she’s ok, she tells me that she’s just nervous about her new job, but she’s never gotten this down before because of a new job. I can’t help but think that she is starting to face the reality of what life would be like if we’re divorced and that’s upsetting her.
Yesterday she called to see if I wanted to go to the zoo with her and the girls and a couple of long time friends. I accepted (maybe LRT says I shouldn’t, but my anti social behavior has been a problem for us in the past so I think it’s important for me to do these things). I asked her if she was ok and she immediately says, “I just don’t want you to think that I’m sad because we’re separated or that I’ll be happy if we get back together.”
Its things like this that confuse me. I’ve read that I’m supposed to believe nothing that she says right now, and only half of what she does. My question is if she’s just putting a front up to make me think she’s really going through with a divorce as a way of testing the sincerity of my changes.
First off, don't ask anymore if she's okay; it isn't really working out. You don't like hearing her say, "I don't want you to think that I want to get back together", do you?
A) It's okay to accept the invite, but don't always accept. Have other plans some of the time.
B) Keep focused on yourself. A lot of your post was about how she appeared to be down, or is now facing reality, or whatever she is doing. Move forward with YOUR life and let her live hers however she's going to. When you see her, put your best foot forward, but don't fawn over her or give her inordinate amounts of attention. Keep focused on your children and just be happy and yourself.
C) You pretty much have to just let this play out. Don't hold your breath that she'll be back knocking at the door, but you can improve your chances by being an attractive choice.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
