Today I’m feeling a bit stroppy and wondering why on earth would I want the little sh*t back anyway – does anyone else ever feel like that?
Sure do and now that a lot of time has passed, I get the feeling but with less anger and more of a 'WOW do i really want him back ' and for a long time I only thought about the parts of H I missed and now more and more bad thoughts creep in...like " Yeah - I really did get annoyed when he did ...or ....
bad weekend, really miss my H, or do I just miss the life we had? Also OW still in picture and they've been doing stuff together involving other friends. Feel like my life is being taken over and I'm being shunted to one side - ugh! Got a bad case of the 'it's not fairs'. Better today though.
My goal is to have one conversation with my H that can't be misinterpreted as me being spiteful or malicious he seems to pick up on the tiniest thing and turn it round against me. Why is that? Guilt? Justifying his actions? Who knows and as we say here I can only control myself and not him.
Venting only.
I never initiate anything but next time we speak I will avoid anything that could be seen as contentious ie asking him how he is, which is always seen as me suggesting that he's not happy/looking good. Perhaps I should add in some sort of compliment?
Contact is sporadic though and only kid related. Therefore few and far between as they are all adults so don't need picking up from my place. He does have some stuff of mine though so I'm going to ask for it back and see if I can start a non confrontational conversation.
I went through that all the time. Fortunately it's subsiding but even when I apologised I did it wrong. Things always got twisted and even when H was clearly rude or insensitive it somehow came back to being my fault.
As you can see from my signature, I have been at this a very long time. I didn't find this BB until I was in the sitch for almost 3 years.
After reading your thread, I see things in your sitch that I have already experienced.
We have been married roughly the same amount of time.
Your 4 children are all grown up now, my son is 13. The fact that your H does not need to see you to see them does eliminate a lot of possibilities for contact. I am grateful that my son is still young enough to create a certain amount of contact. Although I believe that my H makes contact with us to see me and son doesn't still enter H thoughts too much.
My H when he left....he left. He fled. We own a business together and I worked in the office. I saw H almost everyday which made it easy for H to see my changes. It took me 4 months to literally go from panic when he left to a changed person. I have maintained the changes for so long now, it is now who I am. My H ousted me from my daily duties at our company about 18 months ago. He had no need to see me and still made it a point to see me, the longest he has ever gone without contact is 3 weeks. The whole time he said he watched me like a hawk. He noticed the changes and realized I am the person he fell in love with again. It's my changes the recreated our friendship and it's the fact that I greet and treat H everytime with kindness, friendship, compassion, love, respect, forgiveness, etc...that has rekindled our relationship this far.
The man went from hating me to now enjoying me. This is very difficult. Just because we appear to be working on it, doesn't mean it's working. This will probably be very heartbreaking before we are at the end of the road....either fully recommitted in the marriage again or deciding to end the marriage for good.
My H, like yours, found any and all reason to turn the table on me. I couldn't do anything right. He blamed me for all his troubles for a very long time, probably about 31 months. I realized early on this was a part of MLC in men. When my H would treat me this way I sat in silence, refusing to be a part of his game. By not feeding into it and defending myself H realized he wasn't getting what he wanted which was to make himself feel better. By blaming and downing us, it makes them feel better about themselves, it boosts their ego, it masks their guilt and shame and lies they tell, and in their delusional MLC mind believe they are making the right choices. All the while this is happening they are not happy with themselves, they are miserable. Eventually they do realize their own actions and mistakes, this takes a long time. Mine is at this point right now.
My H fled so fast and far that he never saw his son. From the age of 9-13 my son had a father but not a dad. My poor son would go 4 months without so much as a hello from his father. I stepped up and tried to fill the void for son. I never once told my H to man-up and contact this boy. I never once took son to see H. I never interferred with H and his stupid, misdirected selfishness. I let it be. To me these were H choices and I let him live them completely. I thought and kept thinking.....H will suffer the consequences of HIS actions one day. H choices are going to haunt him and the regret will be huge. I looked at it as not my problem. I took on the role of parent very seriously and raised my son. I take credit, H cannot. H just admitted that he made huge mistakes with son. He said his "Missing in Action" behavior towards son wasn't intended, it just happened that way and he is sorry. He wants to do more with him now. I just hope it isn't too late. Son has developed definite opinions regarding his father brought on by pure neglect and abandonment, all choices made by his father. I have taught son to treat H with respect regardless. So far son is behaving like the bigger person, I am proud of him. I worry one day son will let H have it though.
Sorry this is so long bonnyh, sometimes I just get started and I can't stop. I tend to be a long poster. I have a huge passion for the topic.
I have to go to work. Will chat with you later on...take care,
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Thanks for writing. I admire how long you've been standing for your marriage, a good example to all on us in a similar sitch.
My H is out of the house and enjoying life I think, I don't believe he has any regrets or if he does I don't know about them. He sees the kids whenever it suits him, but their r seems to be a bit forced, he's doing all the normal divorced dad type of stuff which may have been suitable when they were younger but is a bit inappropriate now. They need a dad they can call up for a beer and a quick chat not one who has to go over the top and arrange big events for them. It's a bit wearing for them. They do feel that he's let them down particularly since the disclosure of OW. I'm doing my best to keep out of their relationship it's between my H and the kids. Hard to bit my tongue and step back though.
My H is resistant even to being friends with me and I'm not sure what's the best approach. Im dark and don't contact unless necessary. just biding my time and hoping for the best - difficult for me I'm an action person. But I will continue as I know I'm doing the right thing although do have my days when I wonder why I don't just forget it and start again - it passes though
Well it's been around 3 weeks of virtually no contact and not sure what's the best thing to do next. Continue? Make contact although I've not really got a reason to? I can't stand it just drifting.
I am of the opinion, if they want to talk to us, they contact us. If they don't want to they don't.
My H recently told me he appreciated my non-contacting approach. He said it gave him time to focus and evaluate his troubles and wants alone. I actually came right out and told him I don't contact him for anything because I do not want to be one of his problems. He said he noticed and that was one of the things I do that gives him a huge amount of respect for me.
Bonny it is so hard to know what to do because we don't know what they are actually thinking. It's all guesswork.
My H announced once again in court he wanted to postpone to work on us. I posted his court email on my thread. It reads very nice. I haven't heard from him since. Seriously. I have to tell you I am in a bad place right now. I feel lots of emotions and not one is joy.
Like you I don't know what to do next. I do know my H is very busy right now with work. I will maintain my no contact. I would love to call him and say hello and just let him know I am interested in his projects, I won't though.
It's kind of a self-preservation tool as well. If we don't attempt contact we don't risk getting hurt. I am all about saving my heart from more pain. In the past 4 years I have had more than my fair share.
Your H is going to need a lot of time to become your friend again like mine did. I wish you had a reason to contact him, it creates opportunity for him to see you are not his enemy, rather a friend instead. Can you come up with anything for a reason?
Keep the positive thoughts...time eases tensions between people, I can attest to the truth in that for sure.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Had a short formal worded email from H about the kids. I responded with a short yet friendly email agreeing to what he wanted to do. It's not my place to get involved in his r with the kids. Agreed?
It's all got to come from him which is so frustrating but necessary.
