My wife of 23 years served with legal separation papers and moved into her own apartment three weeks ago. Here is some background. I'm 45 wife if 42 (left me within a week of turning 42). We have been married for 23 years (24th anniversary in one month). I spent 23 years in the military and retired three years ago. After I retired from the military my wife started hard on her own career. She started coming home later and later every night. In Dec she went on a business trip. While on the trip she went out for dinner and drinks with some people she met at the conference. She met a guy there who she said was really nice and they danced and hung out. I did not think much of it. However, upon her return she was VERY different and distant. I questioned her about this, but she said everything was fine. She started staying up late at night doing "research" on the internet. I came home from work one day and found her emails on the computer from some guy who stated how much he loved her and all the lost time they needed to make up for. I confronted her on this and she cried and said they were only friends and she did not mean to lie to me. After that things went down hill fast. We went to marriage counseling and after two sessions my wife would not go anymore. We went to a female counselor and after two sessions the counselor "fired" us saying that unless both people were ready to work on the marriage it was a wast of time. The counselor said it was obvious that my wife did not want to work at this time. A week after that while grocery shopping a found a gym bag in her vehicle with several pairs of panties in them I asked her about that and she said I was stupid. She than told me that she loved me, but was not in love with me. From that point on she pulled further and further away. She said that I had not loved her good enough during our marriage and she was no longer happy. She than started sleeping in her work clothes (no intimacy at all), she than moved into another room in the house, she than served me with separation papers, got her own apartment and moved out. The first week she would call and say how much she loved and missed me. Week two she called less. Week three she started screening my calls. Week three and a half she told me the marriage was so broken it could never be fixed. She has not talked to me in over a week. I have avoided calling her and trying to use the no contact / detach. My life sucks as I have no idea what to do at this point. I'm currently attending individual counseling for help and depression.
What can I do to save my family? We have two sons. The oldest 19 yo is home from school for the summer and will not talk or spend time with his mother. The youngest 15 yo spends a week with her and week with me. They are both falling apart.
Sorry to hear of your situation, but you have come to the right place. Please make sure that your wife won't find any reference to this site on your computer - if she's around, delete your history. This site is for YOU.
Have you read "Divorce Recovery" or "Divorce Busting". If not acquire one or both -- Divorce Remedy is really an update of Divorce Busting -- and read them ASAP.
When you questions or need to vent -- come here. Until you get the books, I'd give her her space. No calling, texting, e-mailing. If she calls and you want to talk to her, go ahead, but keep it short, and make sure you initiate the end of the conversation: "It was nice talking to you, but I'm on my way out the door" or something to that affect.
There are tons of great people here, and they know what you're going through -- take heart.
I just read your post, very sorry to hear about your situation ("sitch"). You came to the right place- the boards here have been a very valuable resource for me in my own sitch. There are a lot of good people here that will give you good feedback and support. I would second the advice the previous poster just gave you. These boards are a resource for YOU, not your wife ("W"). Also, pick up a copy of Divorce Remedy right away.
You could hang out awhile her at Newcomers to see what other feedback you might get however I would suggest you consider moving over to either the Walk Away Spouse (where I hang out) and/or Midlife Crisis forums.
I can relate to the depression, you need to work to address that right away. The first thing I'd suggest is getting back to the gym asap if you don't go already. Exercising and getting back in shape will pay big dividends going forward. That and eating healthy.
There is a lot of information and feedback I and others can offer to help you get through this. We are all going through hell right now with our spouses, some of us further along than others. You are in a bad place right now but (hopefully with our help) you will become much stronger as time goes on.
Hang in there.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
