Not feeling all that great today. Too hard to think - mind is swimming through mud.
My BK atty turned out to be very unresponsive. There is an important deadline today so W and I will modify existing plan for lower payments with existing atty. A cheap and easy fix but not as comprehensive as other possibility. I might change my case later but not with Mr. Unresponsive Esq.
---
Random thoughts on dark clouds.
I'm not supposed to care right now but I do. Why? I've been trying to distance myself and detach - and I feel so much better when I do. Why do I currently have this notion that BFF and W get everything they want? I should not allow myself to feel defeated, angered, jealous, or rejected.
These emotions come but I worry they linger too long. That they plant a seed of future unhappiness. I feel I'm not doing as well as I could at managing these (maybe you've read some of my late-night rants). I've got the tools but I'm having trouble using them right now.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Hey OD, Of course you're feeling the way you do - how could you not...my anniversary last year - despite my telling myself it was just another day - was just depressing as hell...
When I read her note to you - my immediate thought was similar to Coach's - it's still about her - and now she's just saying what she needs to say to make herself feel better - perhaps to assuage some guilt - who knows - but, in the end, I suppose it doesn't matter since what you're saying in your last post that you've still got emotions to work through - still have stuff about your own feelings that you need to understand - and I think that's where your attention should go.
Do you know what your tells are for you - when your actions, words, thoughts sort of let you know that something about a situation is troubling you - and that there may be unresolved issues that need to be addressed? For me it's fear - as soon as I feel any fear - I try to take it in (doesn't always happen quickly) and I try to process it - feel it, let it wallop me if necessary - and then once I've stepped into it and faced it - I see what's there and in that calm afterward I take action...Perhaps part of how you're feeling is a way for you to tell yourself that there are some underlying issues that have to surface for you to heal?
It seems the more we try to push emotions away the more force they take on - and then the greater their power to grow into a future unhappiness...sometimes I think we have to set aside the tools and just feel what we have to feel - and then pick up the tools once the feelings have passed through us...
And I still think you sound like you're on the right path...
I shared W's note with Woman Friend and she said the same thing too; it's still all about her. She even said it reminded her of fishing comments women make such as, "This outfit makes me look fat"
Do I know what my tells are? No, maybe I should play more cards. Probably sudden mood change from happy to sour, crankiness, or inability to focus. I will begin watching more.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Not feelin' too bad after the xterra series Tri yesterday. Not my usual event but fun.
Rode kids around on a Harley yesterday (not mine but I wish it was...I sold my bike this spring to pay finance messes) then saw a dumb movie. Fun.
Dropped off kids today. I saw the hood of the car open and W was trying to change bulb in headlight. She was trying, printed out instructions from internet, but clueless. I helped...yeah, I know, hit me with them 2x4s. Both of us seemed to be aware of the potential cake-eating here and she said at least twice that she had tried to do this herself. Had some small talk about her neighbors complaining about lawn maintenance and medical insurance woes. Decent. Not too emotional one way or the other.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Hey, So when is your next event? Tri sounds like it must have been fun and rewarding.
I don't see much wrong in helping change a bulb...it's what you would do for any friend that needed help, right? I did the same thing for my STBX just after she left...though I got to hear comments about how I was doing it wrong - and how I was going to mess up the wiring of the car (a Prius). But I was still in friend mode then...these days...I'm not so much in friend mode...so I just stay clear - but if things are friendly, and you are doing what it right by you - then I see nothing wrong in helping out...
I'm not as strong or fast as in years past. Part of it's training specific - I've been playing a lot and doing other things like hikes, hill climbs, and Rollerblading. And part of it is kind of a reintroduction. I feel like my body is back now. In '06 I did an IM but in '07 and '08 I didn't do much. I got fatigued very easily and couldn't do long workouts without suffering Blue Mondays (physical effects of depression?)
The mt biking thing was so much fun. I've been a dyed-in-the-wool-jersey roadie for so long but I enjoy the challenge of single track.
There's a kids mt bike team here and D says she's on for it next season. S is a little mixed but he would be excellent. His bike handling skills and dexterity at 7 are amazing. I don't have many skills to pass on to my offspring in sports such as baseball or football but I can help em out with bikes, running, chasing moose...
---
Yesterday I took a friend's Harley out. Oh so much fun...four wheels move the body. Two wheels move the soul.
---
It's so hard for me to define that border of friend or dark. On Sunday I was just not thinking about it and trying to do what seemed natural. I seemed to have hit it right in the middle because I didn't seem to be emotionally drawn either way.
Last edited by orangedog; 07/21/0905:57 PM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Our last tip addressed managing data; the same principles can be applied to managing choices. Today's world offers so many choices and opportunities that it can be overwhelming. In order to make this crazy world work for you and not against you, you must decide what matters to you most and focus your attention on that. Once you have identified what really matters to you, you'll find making decisions to be much easier."
--
What matters to me most...hmmm...having fun?
Last edited by orangedog; 07/21/0905:53 PM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I suddenly felt "used". Like I was my W's "starter husband".
Don't know where the thought came from. Ouch!
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
the feeling I get periodically is that I was the husband she had to have kids with and who's job is not to provide her and kids with financial security (into perpetuity), while she has a fun and playful rest of life with someone else.
It sucks, I know.
Time to kill those thoughts. They are not real. They are just feeling sorry for ourselves.
Gone.
No More.
Enough.
You can do it.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
