S9 just told me that he likes his dad's new place and that daddy said " mommy thought you wouldn't like having two places."
Gee, I guess that means this was a good idea and better for everyone...you know mommy? Always thinking those crazy thoughts about having two places being tough on kids. Oh, and why does our 9 year old need to be told that I thought that????
Forget it. Yes, I sent H a friendly email. Shoot me.
Ok. Just got a completely sane and lucid phone call from H saying that he couldn't stand to see me looking sad today and he knows he blows it when he communicates with me and he would like me to let him know what I don't want him to do. And he said something about just having me tell him for now what I want (communication-wise, not R) and therapy doesn't work (most recent therapy actually improved communication substantially by his assessment, but ok...I had alluded in my email to the fact that we are going to need to get help, he clearly wants to avoid that especially after his recent behavior)...
So I emailed and told him I appreciated the message and I need some time to think about it (yay me)...
So now he is pretty close to perfect in communication and this is because I pushed him away, said leave me alone and looked like an emotional wreck this morning. Per therapist, when he sees me doing well, he acts out in one way, when he sees me down, the guilt kicks in and he goes the other way.
I will be responsive to his good behavior and keep the boundaries and see how that goes...running back to the therapist on Monday.
And finally, my dear friends, just for your pleasure sock me with a giant 2x4 for that tiny little thought..."man, if he could be this guy, I could perhaps be with him..."
Oh right AK, you have to be a frickin' sleepless, miserable, angry mess for him to be decent...right, sounds like our M.
I'll tell you what has kinda-sorta been working for me (us) recently.
WAW and I have the same problem -- constant misinterpretation of meaning, even in written comms (particularly in written comms) -- because (in my POV) we're both intensely suspicious of each other.
So I have taken to writing in what is an admittedly irritating, but not at all misinterpretable, form of dull-as-dishwater writing.
I do only facts. I take out all modifiers (-ly forms, etc.). Every thought / response / question gets its own line -- no paragraphs. And I start every single one with "I state that..."
According to her it bugs the crap out of her -- hell, it bugs the crap outta me -- but I've noticed that her responses have become infinitely more moderate, focused, specific, and (if one can mind-read for a skosh) "balanced."
When she replies (if a reply is needed), she has taken to cutting-and-pasting the (my) original text and then following it with her reply to that specific point.
I have followed her example and done the same.
At the end of it you get these incredibly convoluted looking e-mail chains, but also direct and to the point responses.
And by taking all the modifiers out ("totally," "absolutely," "unbelievably"), all the emotion gets washed out, too.
Okay? Good. Now then, tell him communication will be vastly improved when he refrains from threats every time he doesn't get his way, or you don't respond within, what was it, 4 MINUTES? That his threats to "get ugly" ARE in themselves ugly. That they are stressful not b/c you fear losing the kids b/c you know you are a great mom but you fear the collateral damage to them, which he sooo wants to pretend is minimal, but which is NOT a priority to him in reality for it is EXACTLY why he told the kids that you bad mouthed the idea of having two places. He uses them to make himself the hero/victim and you the bad guy and he does NOT CARE about doing that, or that it's bad for them, except for the seconds it takes for him to wonder if he doesn't quite look as heroic as he thought everyone saw him as...
I actually read in a child's book that (ALMOST) sounded pro-divorce, ( I think that it was written with the idea of "okay it does suck but it's a done deal so now let's ONLY focus on the good stuff, like having extra toys!"...approach. In that book it said something about being "lucky to have TWO ROOMS b/c some kids have to share only one"...blah blah blah puke!
I think you are grossly misreading something, or I am.[/b]...but Don't you dare look sad again in front of him. I don't care if you think that brings out the "best" in him, (WTH?????) YOU MEAN PITY?? and BTW, THAT DID NOT bring him HOME...remember?
You want to be miserable the rest of your life so he won't be a total bastard to you? Gee that's some trade off. IIs that some sort of "win" and if so, for whom? And what's that supposed to teach the kids? [b]Remember, you are the adult here. Don't worry A/K. THe kids will get it. Good lord, I know this based on so much experience with countless diovorce cases between me and a dozen or so attorneys and a hundred friends who've been thru this. THe kids figure it out and you don't even have to tell them. In fact, it's best you don't. Though Puppy will argue that point, at this age it's a moot point b/c they're so young. But in your h's case, I don't even care. He's a "jerk from jerktown" (and I promise I won't say that again if it hurts your ego or feelings. I'm sure he can be very charming...whateves...so was Ted Bundy and Charles Manson...seriously.)
Look, this stage of all the stages, possibly sucks the most...so This SUCKS...it is what it is.
BUT good for you telling your MIL she has no idea what he says or does to you or has put you through. Thank GOD you gave her a teaspoon of reality. SOMEONE HAS TO.... If you had gone on and on negatively spiraling about him, then that might have backfired. But you said it just right so that she knows, she doesn't know...and you didn't fill her in with all the gory details...perfect, all things considering...and if she asks him and he glosses over, he'll look even worse. She knows you are not the crazy one and she knows HE MOVED OUT OF HIS HOME AND LEFT HIS WIFE AND KIDS....come on, what's there to say?? IF you are secretly a murderous lunatic, why didn't he take the kids? Oh, oops, that blows that theory...
OH geez, A/K, I feel bad for you. So here...SIGH SIGH SIGH and STOMP STOMP STOMP, and let me add that I am sending prayers and positives to you A/K....just wish I could do more. HEY, try a little of that thought stopping stuff CG posted to Kevin if you haven't already. It helped me when my dad died, and when h was gone and i was obsessing about what/who/when etc. In truth, his fellowship was literally about an 18 hour day, plus his commute to a room he rented from a 77 y/o woman I MET....so in reality, I'm thinking he didn't get a lot of attention in that area that I feared, and he came home every other weekend. So much wasted negative spiraling, and I had NO CONTROL anyhow.. oh yeah!! we keep forgetting that... Serenity prayer time....I'm sending it to you... (( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My email regarding communication is going to be super straight forward.
I'll probably run it by here or by T before sending. It is too important.
This was our R. It is good to see it so clearly. I would be a cup half full, solution oriented person seeking rhythm and grown up interaction. H would act out until I lost my sh*t, fell apart, acted like a maniac, then he'd feel guilty and try to appease me, tell me what I wanted to hear...etc.
No, it is not ok. And, I intend to get help for me And stipulate in our agreement (that I am formulating in my mind to be discussed with L next week) that we both are in counseling individually with a pro who specializes in narcissism/personality disorders. He can fight me on that but well, you know where that'll end up.
I am getting much clearer and for now, biding time, for my sanity and the kids, I will ride the calm wave while it lasts, knowing that things change quickly over here in AK land.
H's mom is a drama queen, narcissist, enabler...God love her, she busted her a** to provide for her kids (note here on the "they'll figure it out"), H sure hasn't figured it out.
I will do everything in my power to stop this cycle and that does not mean staying married. It means healthy parents for my kids. If it has to be just me, so be it but I think I have a lot of leverage to get H on board and an expert might be able to get somewhere with him. I would rather give up on the M (cuz I do think he'll come back, just relatively unchanged without help). If we completely split and each get help, that is worth it...
My email regarding communication is going to be super straight forward.
I'll probably run it by here or by T before sending. It is too important.
This was our R. It is good to see it so clearly. I would be a cup half full, solution oriented person seeking rhythm and grown up interaction. H would act out until I lost my sh*t, fell apart, acted like a maniac, then he'd feel guilty and try to appease me, tell me what I wanted to hear...etc.
No, it is not ok. And, I intend to get help for me And stipulate in our agreement (that I am formulating in my mind to be discussed with L next week) that we both are in counseling individually with a pro who specializes in narcissism/personality disorders. He can fight me on that but well, you know where that'll end up.
I am getting much clearer and for now, biding time, for my sanity and the kids, I will ride the calm wave while it lasts, knowing that things change quickly over here in AK land.
H's mom is a drama queen, narcissist, enabler...God love her, she busted her a** to provide for her kids (note here on the "they'll figure it out"), H sure hasn't figured it out.
Or has he? Isn't it possible he is exactly like his dad and that terrifies him? b/c in times of crisis, we all revert to what we know, even when we know it's bad? (And he IS close to his mother despite/b/c of what??)
But back up, that statement about reverting to what we know, only gets the cycle broken when we replace the old bad unhealthy ways with Positive healthy ones...so you'll find OR CREATE that in your life and your kids will see it. So there won't be a "drama queen busting her ass" FOR THEM....but a woman raising her children to be kind, loving, smart ADULTS....and if one of them pulls something like THIS to their spouse, gee A/K, will you just sit there and tell their spouse to "TRY"?????? wth? No, you'll 'splain behind the woodshed...
I will do everything in my power to stop this cycle and that does not mean staying married. It means healthy parents for my kids. If it has to be just me, so be it but I think I have a lot of leverage to get H on board and an expert might be able to get somewhere with him. I would rather give up on the M (cuz I do think he'll come back, just relatively unchanged without help). If we completely split and each get help, that is worth it...
Forget the "leverage" you think you have, and prepare to raise them on your own. It may take awhile but there's a good chance he's going to disappear for long periods of time. Maybe you'll find OM to hang out with and maybe you'll introduce him to your kids someday and maybe they'll see HIM as a constant, like my ex sil has with her new h, b/c my idiot brother HAD to leave her to go find a war....no, he's not in the military....and he's a good son and a good brother. But he sucks as a h, and is a pleasant absentee father... My x sil is much happier now. NOT Saying you'll be ready for that soon or ever, but if you stay married to this non husband, you never will....Sorry!!
don't know how the emoticons get there, I just know how they get inside the boxes, not outside....see, OMG I can't see outside the box!! j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
