K4D Rising #3

[FaithfulH]

The alarming thing to me was that when you look at the success stories they have posted, its about 90% husbands returning and 10% wives returning from doing a general scan of what is posted in the success section.

Hey, Kev! You sound great....and I'm glad my dear friend 25yrsmlc is helping you too! What I think is cool is that her 2x4's seem to be covered in fluffy cotton. You know....she swings them hard but somehow when they smack you they don't hurt you too bad....in fact, they do you a lot of good!

Regarding your comment that I highlighted at the top of this post...this doesn't mean that women don't choose to come back. Here's my take....look at this board and do the same exercise. How many women are here? Lots! I think the reason the stats play out the way that you saw on rejoiceministries (and here) is that when women leave the marriage, most men run off quickly in search of their next R. I have been fortunate to meet many men who believe that God is leading them to do just the opposite. Praise Him for that! So, the other side of the equation is that when MEN leave the marriage, I think you find far more faithful women who will stand for however long it takes. And thank God I have met many of those women here as well. So, don't be so quick to look at those stats as simply "women don't come back as often as men from a broken marriage". I actually have had the privilege of attending 2 of Bob & Charlyne Steinkamp's meetings in Pompano Beach FL. On both occasions, there were roughly 40 women and 5 men. Where were the men whose W's left the R? I'm guessing they were already in the next R! BTW, I think the stats would show that a higher percentage of W actually file for D than men which would lead you to expect the numbers of men in one of those sessions should actually by slightly higher than women.

You sound good to me! BTW, I like 25's idea about the anniversary acknowledgement with a focus on your girls. The KEY: NO EXPECTATIONS of your W! Keep the faith!

[Kevin MT]

I have similar views on M and D K4D. I'm not Catholic but come from a very conservative denomination that was definately 'until death to us part' and D and re-marriage was a big no no. My mom and dad D when I was 3 - that was one model for M I had. The other was my Gma and Gpa who stayed together for years in a miserable marriage.

I don't know what any of that means - but I know I don't want either of them. Sounds like you're the same way.

I admire your resolve and hope to gain some myself.

[K4D]

That is great insight FaithfulH. I was trying to ponder why the huge difference. That clears up some things. That is also disapointing to see so many guy give up so quickly and move on to someone else. Granted I have only been at this for 11 months and made every mistake in the book during the process. But none the less, if I can stand for my marriage, I would hope that they could show some endurance as well. But who am I to judge. I'm nobody. I'm just a stander praying with faith that my W will come back while I work on myself.

I might give the card with the pictures of the kids a try. I'm just very hesitant after how things went down hill recently and W stating that she has closed the door on a future reconciliation. But I am not giving up on her. I just don't want to push her. I'm going to really pray about that one. And believe me, I know not to have any expectations on that one. I'll be lucky to not get slammed for that one.

Don't discount 25's 2x4's as to soft. Whew. She has thrown me some doozy's and rightfully so. But they do seem to be getting softer which has to mean a good sign that I am coming further along than I used to be.

Ya, I am trying to make the best of things and just leave W alone. I am not leaving her alone spiritually as in I pray for her, but I am leaving her alone physically.

Kevin

[K4D]

Thanks Kevin MT,

Don't let my current state fool you. Many here know how bad off I was for months before getting to this point and I still have my down moments. But they aren't crushing like they used to be.

Follow people's advice on here. There is so much experience and wisdom on here. They know what they are talking about.

Kevin

[K4D]

Its getting somewhat hard to focus today. Patience. It is a very long road Kevin. I am only in the opening stretch.

Kevin

[K4D]

One thing I have decided is that I don't want to be the example for what not to do. I want to be an example for what to do. But in doing that, I have to make sure I am doing what I need to do to make it happen.

I shall continue to be a stander and do what is necessary for myself, my girls, and my W.

Kevin

[K4D]

Here is a question. In my position with as many mistakes as I have made, how do I make sure the path for my W to come back is easy and smooth?

Kevin

[MrBond]

Are you seriously asking this? If you want to see how you could make a path back to you, then go back to the first posts people have sent to you from day one.

She resents you, is angry at you, etc. You have to change you. Keep those changes going and maybe, just maybe she'll like those changes. But she is not even going to look your way (and hasn't) as long as she sees you as the same person she left.

There is NO quick way to make the path smooth and easy. It's filled with rocks and dips and turns. If you really believe in God, then you have to leave it up to Him. He will work on her through you. You have to learn to be compassionate, non-judgmental, confident (not that your W will come back, but in yourself) and that all requires WORK.'

Go back and check off the list again. From the start I've mentioned that it is the key to all of your W's unhappiness. If you don't correct those things (and it will take time...lots of time) she will never even entertain the thought of ever coming home. And these have to be sincere changes. Not "oh look at me, I'm changing why don't you come back". They have to be so real that you don't even have to mention them anymore. That they become a part of your life.

That's the only way to even start a path.

[K4D]

Ya, dumb question. I just hear people say leave the path to come back smooth and easy. So I just thought I would ask.

Today W sent me a text asking if I could watch the girls next on July 25th and August 8th since those are her weeks. She said if not, she will just hire a baby sitter. I said I will take them after thinking about it. It will allow me to take them to church those Sunday mornings. So it is worth it to me. I didn't tell W that. It was just my reasoning for taking them and also so they don't have to be with a baby sitter.

Then she texted back asking if she could have them those Sunday nights. I said "Certainly. The kids need equal time".

This Sunday I am taking them to a birthday party after church.

I'm not sure what we are going to do tonight. But I know I need to buy D7 some more socks. I also need to get my car inspected tomorrow. I hope it passes. The check engine light is on. But it was on last year also and they almost didn't pass it. But then when they determined it was nothing major, they passed it. Those darn EPA people making up inspection laws. UGGG. If it runs, I say let it be.

Praise be to God for everything good.

Kevin

[MrBond]

It's only a dumb question if you keep asking it and expecting a different answer. You've asked the same thing over and over again. People tell you, then a week later you ask it again.

Rather than constantly asking, start doing. Then you'll get the answer you're looking for.

God will get things moving, but you have to move along with it.