balancing on the head of a pin.......

[dug_in]

I feel compelled to 2day to actually open a thread to journal and keep me focused. You can read my sig thread to see my sitch. Now I haven't posted a lot over the past year. Mainly when I've needed extra help and occasionally to pass along some advice.

I am now at the 1 year mark from the beginning the DB process. And I will attest to its success in my M. As well in some friends.

My M is on the mend and my FWAH is learning how we slipped into this mess and is/has taken responsibility for his part of it.

I suppose there are 2 reasons I decided to post today.

1) As my title might indicate, I feel like I am balancing my life on the head of a pin, in relation to my M. I am still afraid of trusting FWAH 100% yet I don't want him to see me as afraid. I've wavered from my GAL a bit but now see I need to get back to it. I wonder if I don't GAL, will my FWAH Walk again? Or worse? It is a balancing act.

2) My bff has separated from her H (for very good reasons that I totally understand). Not only do I have a hard time NOT putting myself in the place of her H and wondering if I was as selfish to my FWAH as her H was, but she has dropped a bomb on me that pulls the bandaid back off of my first DDay. Betrayal and Infidelity are the WORST of any kind of pain, be it a spouse, a best friend or family member.

So I wonder sometimes, "does everyone else get to screw around in there marraige but me?" What is wrong with me? Did I miss that part of the agreement? Maybe I'm just not good enough for someone else to want to risk screwing around with me? I realize this smacks in the face of DB'ing but sheesh..... Do I ever get to cash in this "get-out-of-jail-free" card?

I digress, I guess my thought is, that not only is it time for me to post and share my experience with others but its also time to stay connected to others here to help me refocus and "not slip off the pin head".

Thanks for letting me rant!

[SDFoundGirl]

DB is a life process, not just a save your marriage process. You have to say detached and taking care of your own happiness no matter what. Detached doesn't mean cold, it just means not expecting the other person to take ownership of your happiness...it means not "owning" what they do.

If GAL is a chore, I guess I have to say you're not choosing stuff you like. GAL activities can also (should also) include things you enjoy doing with H. What would you guys like to try together? Shared experiences build a M (and this is advice I need to take as well...ugh!) But it is HEALTHY to have your own hobbies and activities.

The DB strategies are just good living strategies. I DB the parents of my students, my colleagues, my family, etc. :-)

SD

[dug_in]

Thanks for the reminder.

I do know that it is about me with the GAL stuff. Sometimes its hard not to fall back into old patterns, thus the need for the thread and the feedback.

I suppose dieting and exercise would be perceived to be a chore (by me at least) but I value the benefits, so I continue. I will admit that I have not been as aggressive with "doing my own thing" lately. I do need to find a class or something interesting.

Detaching....hmmmmmm....that word conjures up some bad feelings. It seems to fly in the face of the meaning of marriage to me. I do realize that its necessary but, it leaves me feeling like I am keeping a part of me from him, intentionally. I feel like the conflict with each other.

Does that make any sense?

Anyway, thanks for responding. I needed some feedback!

[SDFoundGirl]

"Detach" is often seen as a separation from a person when, really, it's separation from actions and outcomes. Maybe an example might help....

Let's say H stays out with his friends and doesn't call, doesn't answer his phone. I love H, but I'm not loving those actions. If we aren't detached, we get involved in the emotion of it and start spiraling...He's cheating, he doesn't love me, he doesn't respect me, etc. In essence, when we aren't detached, we make others' choices about US when, in reality, it is about them.

So, from a detached place, I can say, "H, I didn't appreciate what you did last night. I worried about where you were. I would appreciate it if you would call if you are going to be late." Or whatever. And then we detach from the outcome, because ultimately, the only person in this world we have any control over is ourselves. It's with the attempt to control another person that conflict results, so it's in our best interest to simply state our point of view, make requests, and then continue to make our own choices based on the outcome.

I am in that position now as H continues to have non-work contact with a woman he had a thing for back during the bomb (she wasn't interested romantically, but there's no way she didn't know...women know...and she encouraged the friendship). I have been really honest about how I feel about that and what I want, and H has reduced it but hidden what's still there.

Now, if I'm not detached, I start acting pissy. I growl at him about not turning the kitchen light off (when it's really that I'm mad about the woman), I withhold sex because I'm "too tired," etc. If I AM detached, then I continue to treat H with respect and address the issue head on, make decisions based on what I'm willing to live with. I think that's far more intimate than living in raw emotion.

Does that make sense? Love your H, detach from his actions.

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

On dieting and exercise:

Maybe you might think about doing something active you might enjoy more? I HATE the gym, but I like walking in nature, yoga, dancing while I'm cleaning, etc. I'm thinking of taking surfing lessons too, because that seems like it would be fun. If you're not enjoying it, play around with what you're doing.

As for dieting, well, I think it's better to just eat better. If you get active and then eat better quality foods, the weight will drop off. I did Atkins and lost a ton of weight, (and low fat, and South Beach, etc.), but it wasn't do-able for me for life, so weight has come back on. I decided this summer to add protein back into my diet (H is a fish-eating vegetarian, so I was eating his way which doesn't work for my body), to make sure I ate 3-6 servings of fruit and veggies, preferably organic, every day, and to eat only grass-fed, free-range meats. I avoid processed foods as there's all sort of additives that make your body hold on to extra weight and water.

I feel more satisfied after a meal, and I don't get that bloat anymore. The weight is coming off, and the cool thing is that because it's just the way I eat, it will stay off as long as I make sure to stay active, i.e. walk for about an hour 3-4 times a week.

Sorry so long!

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

I saw this article link posted on another thread about detaching, and it does a much better job of explaining it than I did, LOL!

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

[pearlharbr]

So I wonder sometimes, "does everyone else get to screw around in there marraige but me?" What is wrong with me? Did I miss that part of the agreement? Maybe I'm just not good enough for someone else to want to risk screwing around with me? I realize this smacks in the face of DB'ing but sheesh..... Do I ever get to cash in this "get-out-of-jail-free" card?

I totally understand. I am struggling with this feeling myself. I don't feel like I'm not good enough because I'm currently in a situation where someone has made me an offer knowing the basics of my circumstances. So on one hand I know the pain and suffering cheating causes one's partner and I never thought I could be so cruel to do that to someone else. OTOH, sometimes I feel like I'd rather even out the score than constantly being the one to take the high road. Like I said, I struggle with it on a daily basis. I'm hoping it will fade with time but I fear it will never completely go away.

[pearlharbr]

SD,

Thanks for your example of detachment and the link to the great article. I was also wondering how to stay detached and committed to the R at the same time, this info helps a lot.

[dug_in]

Thanks SD for the link. suppose it went one ear and out the other last night. I did just the opposite.

On the way home from work BFF called to tell me her LBH has made charges on there card to singles.com.

Well, that sent me into a tail spin. Again, I just feel like I must not have gotten the memo on the cheating aspect of marraige. When I got home, I tried to explain how I felt to my FWAH, but he doesn't seem to be able to empathize. He tries but he says it just pisses him off. That and the fact that he slips back into this "I'm not going to even mention this" way of communitcating, my mind starts to wonder if this is ever going to work.

I know I have to put that out of my mind, live for me and take one day at a time but I need to figure out what I can and can't live with.

[dug_in]

I believe when the GAL was in full effect, I was finally getting to the point that I did not think about the A.

I guess because I was feeling good about myself. I need to try and stay in that place.

Guess I need to read the Secret again. It really helped keep me focused on the good.