K4D Rising #3

[K4D]

I see what you are saying. And there are possible options should those things come to pass. But I don't want to consider them.

Kevin

[K4D]

You also have to remember. She is gone right now. It doesn't mean she will be gone forever. Right now these are the circumstances. Circumstances change with time.

Kevin

[K4D]

I've got the ole anniversary coming up August 2nd. 12 years.

*SMACK* Ouch.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

I guess what I'm getting at is that the Roman Catholic church condones D in two situations: abuse and adultery.

Sorry to step in here, but that is not accurate. I went to law school @ Catholic U's and is the only law school in America specifically sponsored by the Vatican. I won't preach here, I promise. But the Catholic Church does NOT grant divorce for any reason. Separations are and have always been allowed for abuse and adultery.

Annulments are not the same thing; they are recognitions that a valid marriage in the eyes of God, never took place. For instance, an annulment would occur if one of the parties was drunk or insane or bigamous at the time of the ceremony. No valid M ever occurred then, and therefore an annulment simply documents that. THIS would be quite hard, but not impossible, to do when children are involved. In a way, it makes them bastards, if you will. You can be divorced, like many LBSers, and come to mass and you may re-marry in a Catholic church if it turns out your former m, though legally ending in div, COULD have been annulled in the eyes of the Church.

YES Yes, annulments have absolutely been politicized and abused by some, (like the Kennedy who got one after 12 years of M and 3 kids...all so he could remarry in the church.)

But the Church is made up of humans who sin and err. Doesn't make the message or Church wrong, just us and the way we screw things up is wrong. The Church has recognizedsince the advent of no fault div, that there are many LBsers who are stuck, who did nothing to end their M's but find themselves divorced and the Church does not condemn them. Parishes vary on what is allowed or done vis a vis the remarriage ceremony WITH for instance, a full mass and communion, is usually not done. But I've seen it in some cases. I know of a couple who were M for 7 years and H said he never wanted kids. That M got annulled b/c it was a fundamental lie at time of M AND one purpose, (not the only one) of M is to be open to kids. Legal annulments are similiar but vary by state, usually require some type of fraud or insanity or substance abuse. In sum, there is NO divorce IN the Church; though they recognize it happens outside the church. Not to be pedantic but I am not saying all this lightly; I took classes in Canon law as well as the regular law school, and I am certain of this.) Hope this clears up something.

You are free to re-marry after she has moved on. I'm just afraid that if you continue to see her as your W even after she's maybe married someone else and even had children with this new person, that your belief could change into zealotry.

I've seen that happen many a time. All you have to do is look in the papers and you see how some people just snap because they continue to hang on to something that isn't there any more.

Sometimes I think God also gives us opportunities and that if we give ourselves up to Him, he will take care of us no matter what. Even if it is sending us another person.

That's a possibility. We don't know everything. Or maybe God wants you to be alone a long time or forever as some sort of model. I think Stuck's point, among others, is that if you only have one option "allowed", it may seem as if you are limiting yourself. Why not simply trust that God will help YOU no matter what SHe chooses?

Just my 2 cents.

Mine too. Hey Kev, we all want the best for you. But sure, there's a touch of skepticism given the backslides and a trend in some people to want a rigid view of things to cling to, in order to keep them from backsliding. I say whatever works, works. If this new found belief system keeps you from making the same mistakes again, GOOD. And if you learn to be happy for what you said was the first time in your life (I think you once said you have never been happy before you met your wife), I hope your faith will now show you that it is GOD'S love that makes you happy, not hers...make sense?

That's really my main point and hope and prayer for you.
j-

[25yearsmlc]

I've got the ole anniversary coming up August 2nd. 12 years.

*SMACK* Ouch.

Kevin

How about a card that says "It's our anniv, and It's still worth remembering" and including a photo of the girls? Then sign it only with your name, not "love always" etc.
I mean,if the only way to have these wonderful little women (d's) in your life was to endure all this, then wouldn't you do it all again in a heartbeat?
Maybe that could be a safe approach to seeing your M, around your wife...

Just a thought. And Kev, expect no response from her before or after, okay? That way, no disappointment. If she sends you something, be gracious and leave it at that. If your d's bring it up, make it ALL about them and do you see how that makes sense for your d's? My kids loved hearing that, b/c at one point they blamed themselves for our problems. I told them all that, it's b/c of them that I would NEVER regret M their dad no matter what happened.
j-

[K4D]

25,

While that is a good idea... Its highly risky even from that approach. My W really has a lot of animosity towards me and made it very clear to me that she only wants to hear from me during exchanging the kids. Oddly enough, our anniversary falls on a Sunday this year and we always exchange the kids on Sunday. lol.

A friend of mine that I was at dinner with last night said don't do anything because she is probably testing me expecting me to do something in some sort of way.

To answer your question, yes, I would do it all over again and go through this for my daughters. I love them very very much and I am very grateful for the gift of them.

I will have to think that one over. Its a good one. I just wonder about the risk of it. It could set things back further if that is even possible. I have been trying to avoid talking to her or spending time with her and just staying out of her life for a while, while I work on me and let God work on her.

She is so caught up in other guys right now that could really burn her if I do anything at all in any way to recognize our anniversary. I will really think about it and pray on it. Maybe I will feel a nudge from God on that.

BTW... I was smacking myself to relieve any of you from needing to do it. lol.

Kevin

[K4D]

Last night I logged onto IM for a moment and I saw W online and she had typed in her status... "Is it me... or is it really everyone else".

I just wanted to say IT'S YOU!!!

But I just logged back off and went about my business.

Kevin

[K4D]

I loved Stuck808's comment today and I forget now who he was talking to. But he said everytime a WAW says they are looking for a sign from God he just wants to smack them upside the head with a bible and say Here's your sign!!

That was so classic. I wish I would have thought of that when my W said that months and months ago. Somehow I don't think it would have helped things. But I loved it none the less.

Kevin

[K4D]

Something else, a few months ago, my W threatened to give me problems with the kids if I took them to a catholic church. I am doing it anyways. I'd say that is Kev stepping up and doing what Kev needs to do and not looking to cater to W.

Kevin

[K4D]

I had a great time tonight. My girls wanted PB&J sandwiches and doritos and sugar free koolaid for dinner. So that is what we had. We cleaned up. Then we did a bible devo. Then D7 gave me a foot massage while D11 gave me a back massage. I got it all for only $5 each. What a bargain. Kids are great.

Kevin