Aaargh, S6 just screamed at me that he wants to "live with daddy"...guess he's more "fun" and doesn't have too many rules.
Hey, A&K, time for my late night ramble... Hope I can make it make some sense...
This is when you need to remember, as my counselor pointed out to me many months ago, EVENTUALLY there will be a right side of history and a wrong side of history. Those of us watching your sitch from the outside can see which of the two of you will be on which side. Your kids will see it, too.
Kids are perceptive. Yeah, maybe they can be "bought" in the short term with candy and promises (but, the role of a parent isn't to be a best friend to one's children), but they will figure it out... I'd be willing to bet you will have a deeper long-term relationship with them than will he (not that it's a competition, but because what you will impart on them will serve them better than "no rules" will) AND you are poised for more growth... They'll see it... Look at @healthydad's recent posts, he's been put through the wringer, but his kids "trust" him...
-AlexEN
Last edited by AlexEN; 07/15/0904:25 AM.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Well, S6 went on to "you made him leave" over and over and S9 (Confucius) says "you can't make someone leave, people make their own choices" and S6 says "you made him leave because you were upset all the time"...ouch, true in many ways and yet I'm not so sure that H didn't have something to do with his coming up with that.
And then...of course..."Daddy doesn't like us anymore and that's why he doesn't want to be here. He doesn't like us." And S9 asking "do you think eventually he'll come home?"
And, why do I find it so hard to let this happen??? F*ck Sh*t F*ck...too much.
I'm ok. I handled it very well and I made it very clear that we both love them and hugged them and told them I am here for them if they need to talk or get these feelings out. At one point S6 said it makes him too upset to talk about and he is trying to make those feelings go away...
They just told H today that he's "the best dad in the world."
So in an act of sheer idiocy I chose to let H know that we had a really rough night. He was sorry and suggested they are also playing too many video games.
G-- D--- him!...wth else can I say?.... Oh, okay. Two main things. First-The part about you working and worrying about income levels and not wanting to suddenly look as if you are the big earner b/c maybe you'll land a job for 6 months that pays flukishly well, IS A WELL FOUNDED CONCERN and you are smart to take in. (That's why meeting up with Uncle L is a great idea) My child c also said "Don't start working NOW when their dad has left or they'll lose both parents" and then my L said, "The last thing you need to do after being a sahm 7 years, is suddenly earn money for the first time. THAT TIME WILL COME LATER....don't rush it." Made THAT choice simple.
So for legal reasons AND reasons that were good for the kids, I did keep it down some - but honestly can say, it was primarily FOR the kids.B/C I felt then that IF SOMEHOW I landed a great well paying job, the benefits to me mentally would outweight the down side risk, esp since H's income is likely to always be much better than mine at it's best. But that choice did not present itself, as the jobs were not tempting enough to justify messing with the kids so for those two years, I was still mainly a sahm, with a few part time gigs that made me feel less terrified of my eeventual re-entry into the real world later on. THEN I got a job in Alaska (Long story) but the pay, and I was WITH H, was better than I ever earned before and we were together. GO figure.
But your reasoning does make sense. I get it. However I was focusing on your general "Fear Factor" and keeping it at bay.
OTHER POINT--good for you finding your higher power however you do that. I was in a 12 step program years ago and til then, my beliefs were generalized, without a lot of thought about an "active R" with HP. More like "If I'm a good person, I'll end up okay". But for me, I have since found that there is a lot more to Him than I realized. Not to get all preachy, but for me, truly turning it over to Him, set me free for the first time in my life. Like I now have an "active R" with HP although it's nothing like some of these folks have. I wish. Sure sure, I sometimes take a problem back or have a New problem that I hold onto far too long. But now, When I finally rationally figure out, "J, this is Not something you can handle, really. You have to turn it over"...then I find that I really can do it for the most part, and it really DOES make my life better, happier and more loving.
I pray you'll find this to be the case in your life. And no matter how reasonable your planning and the logistics all get, know that you will be alright. You can stay here before you end up in a shelter okay? (You are basically hygenic, right? Ooops, there I go again with my judgmentalism....as if bathing means anything...okay, sorry, but I guess I am picky)
Seriously, you are soo on track. Keep it up.
And as for the journal entry of his...oh my my my. That is a good one...just when you thought YOU were crazy....you found "something a tad familiar...something that sounded as if you had heard it before, long ago in another galaxy....what was it?....what was that??? (Raising my hand higher than all the other kids....STOMPING MY FEET NOW)
"I KNOW THE ANSWER, PICK ME!! PICK ME!! I REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS!!...
...IT WAS THE TRUTH!!! Your h's family had a horrible divorce in it that screwed up a bunch of people ALL b/c of your h's dad....gee, at least there isn't a pattern. Thank GOD (or HP or Buddha or Satan...) that your H sure knows how to Recognize AND break a cycle...hooray for h! I will find a GOOD response for this discovery and revision of history. I don't have the time yet to give it a just response...really though, how SWEET. Sheesh!! (It's a good word and sometimes it keeps me a tad less profane)
Well, I feel better. Hope you got a chuckle and know that in a few ways, the hard part is over. Sure, enough hard stuff ahead but the child c will help with that.
As for the "now" problems with the kids comments and the arrows into the heart----When my then d9 said "dad left b/c YOU blah blah blah (mostly she said "he left b/c he didn't love "us"" enough, meaning HER, enough so usually I had to reassure her of her dad's love, rather than defend myself. But on occasion that did happen too sooo) on those occasions, my best recall is a variety of comments along the lines of "you know that's not true" or "Your dad and I made some choices. You are not responsible for the choices he and I made, just like I'm not responsible for HIS choices..." You can always go with the "I know this hurts and I'm sorry you are in pain. I love you very much..." AND then get off the topic without going detail by detail.
I believe They are really wanting to know that they are not to blame and that he will be in their lives in some way. REASSURANCES are key. It'd be nice if HE did some of that....Another thing our child T said was to let them have a twinge of hope, especially at first so they can have time to adapt. It is NOT a death (may feel like it but still) so in theory there is always a chance of a recon and we know that there really is a chance. If you say there isn't, that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy that they WILL TELL YOUR H so you have to balance it out knowing you don't want to sound like you are pursuiing....it IS a balancing act A/K. It really is. NOthing wrong with saying, "just b/c we can't be m anymore doesn't mean we didn't/don't love each other" but be careful so they don't t hink you love THEM and will leave the home...kwim?
On one hand, Somehow project (and then make real) the GAL so your kids see it, for their sake, for h's sake so he sees that you really are a woman only a fool would leave, and for YOUR Sake...AND on the other hand, you have to acknowledge that they are in pain and this isn't a picnic for anyone.
I pray you find some of this balance inside, and outside you. And I'm sending those prayers/positive energy beams of light (not mocking! Just using "inclusive yet alternative lingo, and I think i sound tres chic and very 'au currant', don't you?)
take care and keep us posted. I'll find a way to get in touch irl if you are up for it. Gee, maybe you have a nice stuff I can buy...? e.g., a desk...and some office furniture!
(( )) j
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well, in H's defense he just texted offering to call me so I could explain what was happening with them. I texted him back but told him I am not going to tell him this stuff anymore because I want them to trust me and it is very important to them that they enjoy their time with him and they will bring this up when they are ready. And, that I know that regardless of what he says, he knows what they are going through. I did appreciate his concern and acknowledged it but not ready for a conversation.
On the income thing, Hun, I actually think I would take a six figure job if I could get one...depending on the hours ...I don't remember what I was saying in that post but it wasn't so much about me not wanting to make six figures more about me not wanting to disappear (as you related to) and me not laboring the way his and my mom did. I DO want a career though and I would and will work normal work hours in a heart beat. My kids need me sane more than anything.
One other ironic thing in that journal entry was regarding financial status in childhood (the book asks numerous questions), H said in there that his dad was always broke but took them on fancy vacations and his mom always worked multiple jobs to take care of them!!!
Oopsy, one of my entries said that my first thoughts about marriage were "what's the point? I'd be better off single and successful" and what I hoped for in a spouse "Me but as a man"...yikes, I guess my expectations were a bit skewed. Interestingly, one entry states something about my belief that we are all responsible for our own choices and feelings and my description of my spirituality was very similar to what it is now...
Anyway, yes I bathe...every day too. My kids, they stink.
I have family. I don't fear being homeless, I am just going to have to have faith that we can have a joyous time even if it is tough for a while. I wanted my kids' childhoods to be carefree and in nature and peaceful...I will still try to create that.
Thanks for the advice on the kids. I think I did a swell job and I'm glad they have me. And, their dad does relish his time with them, whether it is out of guilt or for show, doesn't matter, they are really craving that from him. Of course, I have to be the disciplinarian which is challenging but I keep reminding myself that is my job.
The higher power connection comes and goes. My intellectual belief trails behind my heart belief (IYKWIM), I think meditation helps with that because it gets all of the monkey mind out of the way and I can connect on a deeper level rather than talking myself in and out of believing.
I will probably set up a FB alias soon. So wiped out. It would be great to meet you. No 2x4s in person okay?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
...I don't remember what I was saying in that post but it wasn't so much about me not wanting to make six figures more about me not wanting to disappear (as you related to) and me not laboring the way his and my mom did. I DO want a career though and I would and will work normal work hours in a heart beat. My kids need me sane more than anything.
