You are getting such great advice. Let it enter AND REMAIN in your heart.
The logistics, SMISTICS...of course that will overwhelm you and is such a great way to stay stuck. Remember that female doc I had as a client who really worried about ending up penniless on the streets? Okay so you won't earn 6 figures right away but your worst fears won't come true either. GET A GRIP A/K, you can do this.
At one point, I too had some pretty real and pretty crazy fears...all the "stuff I helped us "EARN" would now all be gone and some OW would jump in my pool and I'd be poor and blah blah blah. IN your h's sitch - lots of that stuff may NEVER be earned, or "owned" but a lot is already owed b/c you both thought you "should" have more. You bought into his choices or allowed the delusions/ratonalization that you have to "look" successful to get clients so of course you have to wear the right clothes, drive the right car, and eat in Spagos...or at least, HE does...
For me I finally said, "it wouldn't be the end of the world if I had to live in my sister's basement, b/c I won't put up with THIS anymore"...
There are many lessons here for your kids and they are not all about "standing"....when your h disses you too much, or they are financially threatened, which for Pete's sake, YOU ARE...you will have to put them first. I don't know what exactly the t meant when she said you are not ready to divorce him. What does she think it'll take? Glad you are seeing the Clinical person but do they mean YOU need more help or what? (I don't think you are crazy, for the record...hate having to say that too....)
SMW's advice about finding peace--take it in. Get your "mantra". I'll share a "contract" I made with myself 20 years ago at a great workshop, that I keep about 75% of the time...and when it refers to "inner authority" it means boundaries and not owning or taking on someone else's 'poop'...and not letting THEM into your heart or your "jurisdiction".
(Since I'm a L, I love analogies. And it helps me to think of myself as a state. Like Iowa cannot tell Ohio, "Oh hey, WE in Iowa are really pissed about the tornado that came thru our capital, and want YOUR citizens to pay up...so pay up!" Don't let your h's 'state of affairs' get into your peace of mind. Or heart.
"By affirming my own inner goodness and authority, I invite joy and love into my life"...
Come up with your own and find one that feels authentic. There is nothing negative or "don't do this" about it. It's all what you CAN do to be happy. You may borrow mine if it helps you, until you find your own inner truth. Like SMW, I find mine in God, "Higher Power", the Universe...whatever. He/It is there for YOU.
((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You are getting such great advice. Let it enter AND REMAIN in your heart.
The logistics, SMISTICS...of course that will overwhelm you and is such a great way to stay stuck. Remember that female doc I had as a client who really worried about ending up penniless on the streets? Okay so you won't earn 6 figures right away but your worst fears won't come true either. GET A GRIP A/K, you can do this.
I am not at all about 6 figures. In fact I doubt H could find a lower maintenance wife if he tried...no shopping, primping etc. I am just not able to come up with enough to pay these bills or move. It is so much. H is expecting a big check this week and I expect to pay many of the bills. After that I intend to go into L (either my relative or another) and Hs income will be reflected a little more accurately. I am not afraid to work. I AM afraid to be in a position where the work I take opens up H to be able to claim more time/custody with the kids. He is spiteful and I wouldn't put it past him. I believe they are better off with me. AND, of course, both his mother and my mother ended up unavailable to their kids because they had to work so much. And the lesson H and his sister got was that mom is worn out and miserable and dad gets to cakewalk. I believe that my work as a mother has value and I am hoping that we can transition rather than a huge shift in my schedule and availability to my kids. That hope translates to working on things that will afford me flexibility (my biz) and other projects. If it is spoiled to say that going from full time mom (with biz on side) to struggling and working long hours, I am spoiled. I do not think that there is anything more valuable than time and attention. However, I am more than willing to work and find a balance. And, if it comes down to it, I'll be applying at Walmart if my kids' needs are not being met. I just don't want to get screwed. I have a huge list to cover and my credit is plummeting. Maybe turn in my car, make agreements with CCs...sell some of H's sh*t...I'm sure seeing L again is necessary.
At one point, I too had some pretty real and pretty crazy fears...all the "stuff I helped us "EARN" would now all be gone and some OW would jump in my pool and I'd be poor and blah blah blah. IN your h's sitch - lots of that stuff may NEVER be earned, or "owned" but a lot is already owed b/c you both thought you "should" have more. You bought into his choices or allowed the delusions/ratonalization that you have to "look" successful to get clients so of course you have to wear the right clothes, drive the right car, and eat in Spagos...or at least, HE does...
This was one of our biggest battles. I'd eat cereal for dinner while he ate at fancy restaurants. I enabled it by staying and by not cultivating something for myself. I made concessions so I could be with my kids...I don't know if that is something I will regret. They are older and I have had a great deal of time with them and for that I am grateful.
For me I finally said, "it wouldn't be the end of the world if I had to live in my sister's basement, b/c I won't put up with THIS anymore"...
True that. I just know that if I move into a basement, he can get the kids from me (he has a room for them in his place)...maybe I'm wrong but that was a big issue for my friend, whether she had a room for her daughter. Anyway, it seems that my a** should be back in with L sooner than later to cover all of this. The time I have given to DB (if you can call it that) may work to my detriment. I don't know.
There are many lessons here for your kids and they are not all about "standing"....when your h disses you too much, or they are financially threatened, which for Pete's sake, YOU ARE...you will have to put them first. I don't know what exactly the t meant when she said you are not ready to divorce him. What does she think it'll take? Glad you are seeing the Clinical person but do they mean YOU need more help or what? (I don't think you are crazy, for the record...hate having to say that too....)
She meant (I believe) that I am not emotionally ready. That I need to learn how to set boundaries and deal with the consequences. For my part, I need to be less reactive and not fall apart so easily. Divorcing a narcissist is tricky and I am afraid. I need to feel more empowered so that I don't create the very outcome I am afraid of (my two cents on that). AND, I need to do this very quickly so I'm hoping the support IRL helps.
SMW's advice about finding peace--take it in. Get your "mantra". I'll share a "contract" I made with myself 20 years ago at a great workshop, that I keep about 75% of the time...and when it refers to "inner authority" it means boundaries and not owning or taking on someone else's 'poop'...and not letting THEM into your heart or your "jurisdiction".
(Since I'm a L, I love analogies. And it helps me to think of myself as a state. Like Iowa cannot tell Ohio, "Oh hey, WE in Iowa are really pissed about the tornado that came thru our capital, and want YOUR citizens to pay up...so pay up!" Don't let your h's 'state of affairs' get into your peace of mind. Or heart.
"By affirming my own inner goodness and authority, I invite joy and love into my life"...
Come up with your own and find one that feels authentic. There is nothing negative or "don't do this" about it. It's all what you CAN do to be happy. You may borrow mine if it helps you, until you find your own inner truth. Like SMW, I find mine in God, "Higher Power", the Universe...whatever. He/It is there for YOU.
((( j )))
I am making a list and going to take one action at a time. The whole of it is too overwhelming.
And I do need to connect with my higher power. One thing on my list is to visit a Buddhist Temple in my area...I am excited about that.
And I do need to connect with my higher power. One thing on my list is to visit a Buddhist Temple in my area...I am excited about that.
OrangeDog likes this!
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
So for all of H's assertions that he was so happy that his parents split up and never wanted them to get back together, I just found a journal we both wrote in describing ourselves in which H describes the saddest event of his childhood as being when his mom told him through tears that his parents were splitting. And he also wrote about his nice childhood except for the separation of his parents which he never really got over.
In case anyone wonders if the WAS revise history...wow, sad.
I am only posting because it moved me. I was looking for stuff to sell on e-bay (and found some)...
It is quite sad. I am just going to leave it for him and put a post-it that he might want to read what he wrote in it (there was other more amusing stuff)...
