Just read your thread, and our sitch's are very similar. First off, you have some of the best who have already chimed in (Coach, Sandi and Puppy).
I would recommend you read a book that helped me understand communication and how to "show" my W love - The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. That was a real eye opener for me b/c my W and I have had communication issues. It helped me understand how my W was trying to show me love (which I did not get) and how I was incorrectly trying to show her love (which I also didn't get). Basically, b/c she and I "spoke" different "love languages," we couldn't show love to the other b/c we were trying to show it in our different respective love languages. I know, it sounds like a lot of self help esque language, but it really makes sense.
A couple of things about your sitch that are different from mine that I think are good signs. One, your W is seeing a C and has agreed to MC. Two, your W told you she missed praying with you - in response to your question, I think telling her you were going to pray and she could join you if she wanted is the way to put it. I do not see that as pursuit. Just make sure she knows you are going to pray whether or not she joins you - not by saying that, but by doing it if she says she does not want to.
Coach told me one time about how to act around my W - he said by DB'ing, we are trying to get a frightened animal to eat from our hand. That made a lot of sense to me.
And, yes, there is a fine line b/w being nice and pursuing behavior. This is just something you have to feel. I have not point blank asked my W to do anything since the bomb. Instead, I plan for things to do with the kids, and I let her know we will be doing these - if she wants to come along, she is welcome to. After a while, all you will have to do is tell her what you are doing. Again, she just needs to have the impression (from your consistent actions) that if she says she does not want to join in that it is no big deal, and you do them anyway.
While none of this is easy - no one said it would be - I have found that if you can work on detaching and focus on yourself, the effort and the "fight" so to speak, do become easier. Have you read this article:
It is important for you not to confuse detaching with withdrawing. Detaching is not giving your W the cold shoulder. Treat her as a close friend and then see what happens. Oh, and don't try to read and analyze every little thing she does - you WILL go nuts. That's where the detachment helps (and in many other areas).
I appreciate it. Thanks GIMA. I'm reading the article. I have really been able to not be too concerned with her reactions lately. Sometimes it is hard for me to not read and analyze every little thing she does. Part of Dbing states to find what works and do more of it. How do you know what works if you don't go back and analyze situations? I need to work on this more I think...
Note what works by watching her actions - what she says and how she acts. You are looking for positive signs, not the reasons behind them. If you do X, and she does Y, and assuming Y was a good thing, then it might be that X was something you would want to try again. Why she does Y doesn't matter and may, or may not be, the result of X. You won't know if X was the reason until you try X again.
Where I got tripped up at first was in trying to read and analyze everything W said/did. That will do nothing but drive you batsh$# and cultivate fear (which I think is the worst enemy).
Look for objective results without concerning yourself with the subjective reasons "why."
GIMA. How would you script the whole, "I'm doing this or this with the kids and if you would like to come you are more than welcome." Don't want to come off sounding like an a*$. But don't want to come off as needy or pursuing...
I usually said something like "S and I are going for a hike. You are welcome to join us if you want." We have always watched the Britcoms on public TV on Saturday nights - I would just let her know they were going to be on (this is after some DB'ing and stepping back a bit) - she would reply "Oh, great." Then when it was time, I just turned them on, sat down and watched. Without saying it, I left it up to her to decide whether she wanted to join me or not. No pressure from me.
As long as you are using a sincere tone (again, nothing over the top), it should not come off as being an a$$. I think it was Puppy who gave me a good way of regulating my beavior around W - act lik God himself were standing there watching me. Right now, it's important to approach her as a friend until she indicates she wants something more.
Also in MC, W made mention of how much attention I was paying towards my D's, it seemed to aggravate her.
I don't get it. Why would a daddy paying attention to his D's aggravate her? That sounds like jealousy. If that's the case and she's jealous of her children.....she has problems. Maybe it was her way of saying she wished you would give up part of that attention.
The fragile thing at this stage is to know where to draw the line in giving her the attention she wants and purusing. Purusing is chasing after her like you probably did when you first started dating her.
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Sandi some of these things just go completely against what seems to be the standard in DBing. Wouldn't some of these actions be considered pursuing????
I would not invite her to the movies or places that hint of an a cozy, dark, or intimate environment before you have a better R with her. Going on "dates" at this point--is puruing. Inviting her along on "family" outings is not so bad b/c it is not just the "two of you".
If you want to schedule a MC for yourself, that's fine but I would not try to get her to go b/c that is putting pressure on her. This is not seen as "fighting for the M" to a WAW.
You see, the problem is that she feels that most of these things are "too little, too late".
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If she doesn't agree, explain to her that I am going this first session because I understand that one person can help save a marriage?
No. Don't tell her things like that. Don't talk about the R to her. It's pursuing and it's pressure.
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Take a stand against our credit card bill and take action against it.
Yes, that is taking action as the head of the family! She will see power and strength in that move! That is what she wants. Now, she may not like it at first--if it means she has to discontinue her spending habits, but she'll respect you for it. She has been in charge of running the family all these years, and she may not give up that "power" so gracefully. But, I think it has a lot to do with not trusting you with the money. You can't expect her to think otherwise if you've never earned her right to trust you. Give her time to get use to the idea. But, yes....this is more the areas I was referring to.
You can be fun and friendly and be a man any woman would love to spend time around without pursuing or putting pressue on her. That is what you need to focus on. What can you do to show more strength as a man? What can you do to show more "energy" in the M? How can you appear to be more decisive and determined about matters? When tempted to lay back and not give your "voice" on issues......what can you do to show your opinion should matter?
Those are the type things I think she would want to see "first" before you start trying to drag her off to a MC or the movies.
Later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Note what works by watching her actions - what she says and how she acts. You are looking for positive signs, not the reasons behind them. If you do X, and she does Y, and assuming Y was a good thing, then it might be that X was something you would want to try again. Why she does Y doesn't matter and may, or may not be, the result of X. You won't know if X was the reason until you try X again.
Where I got tripped up at first was in trying to read and analyze everything W said/did. That will do nothing but drive you batsh$# and cultivate fear (which I think is the worst enemy).
Look for objective results without concerning yourself with the subjective reasons "why."
That was a VERY good explanation of a concept that's always been hard to figure out!!!
