Dammit, I am still attached. Aaargh. But, I'm better because I am getting clearer about what I need to do and how to do it. He just doesn't make it easy.
It takes time. Detaching does not mean you do not still have feelings for H. It means you can control them.
I know how you feel. What have you done to work on detaching?
Well, it has helped to see him more objectively. Focusing on my projects and my kids helps too. Getting clobbered here helps too. Having H tell me about OW sure helped (I am almost certain she is in other country).
What gets in the way? Don't barf but our chemistry on top of all of the obvious reasons to try to avoid divorce. We still have that chemistry when we are around each other. It is so unnerving. Having his attention and his flirtatiousness and his persistent preoccupation with what I think puts the burden on me.
What would help? Clearly enforced agreements. Going to work on that with C.
Dammit, I think I'm done and then I spin..."well, his new place is only temporary"...blah blah blah.
Today, I am going to go through ALL of the bills and let him know how much I need. I need to make lists and knock things off one at a time. Be productive.
Having his attention and his flirtatiousness and his persistent preoccupation with what I think puts the burden on me.
Exactly why he does it. To control you. Chemistry or dysfunction?
Quote:
Getting clobbered here helps too.
Glad to help.
Handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
On the topic of dysfunction, aren't most of the Rs here dysfunctional? Has no bearing on what I need to do, just wondering. I mean reading about despondent Ss, depression, LBSs living with Ss who are in the midst of affairs for years on end...etc.
I suspect most of these sitches just lead to more heartache even with reconciliation unless the dynamic and underlying issues are really addressed.
On the topic of dysfunction, aren't most of the Rs here dysfunctional? Has no bearing on what I need to do, just wondering. I mean reading about despondent Ss, depression, LBSs living with Ss who are in the midst of affairs for years on end...etc.
I suspect most of these sitches just lead to more heartache even with reconciliation unless the dynamic and underlying issues are really addressed.
Hence the "Focus on yourself" part that we all get told. It's so true.
It also seems to be why we often see the LBS becoming the WAS. In the case where the LBS really really focuses and changes and grows, they then start to really see the problems in the R and become more wary of the changes that the WAS is NOT making.
When (if) the WAS then comes back, does the LBS still want them?
I know I am asking myself this question. Even though my W is not coming back, I am seriously asking my self, if she does, do I want it? Under what conditions? I know others here who are asking themselves the same things.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Yes, my H left once before, came back and despite the many changes I made, he honestly made almost none and here we are again. Without some accountability on his part, there is no hope.
Hence the "Focus on yourself" part that we all get told. It's so true.
It also seems to be why we often see the LBS becoming the WAS. In the case where the LBS really really focuses and changes and grows, they then start to really see the problems in the R and become more wary of the changes that the WAS is NOT making.
When (if) the WAS then comes back, does the LBS still want them?
I know I am asking myself this question. Even though my W is not coming back, I am seriously asking my self, if she does, do I want it? Under what conditions? I know others here who are asking themselves the same things.
I didn't believe it at the time but I was modeling to my wife and showing her how to change. (read leading) We think we are the ones with all the issues when we first roll in here. ON key to piecing is supporting and loving them thru their "snake killing." My marraige is in a much more mature and solid place. DB tuition is high I was not about to let my education go to waste. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I just got off the phone with a therapist who specializes in dealing with narcissists and relationships.
I surrender. I just have too many buttons being pushed with the kids and all of this willy nilly stuff.
The other guy I saw was a life-coach and though I liked him, I am at the point where I want someone who really gets this from a clinical perspective.
So I will see her on Thursday and we will set out a plan and I can know that I am doing everything in the interest of protecting my kids.
I think what is getting me is seeing my kids having to navigate their R with H (and me for that matter) and I really want to try to break this cycle now.
