Has anyone seen my get-up-and-go?

[One Day]

Hey Dawn,

Just stopping by.... I wonder if you could give the woman a discount and also maybe send her a special piece of calligraphy to commemorate her wedding day as a little gift after the big day? Or even before. I don't know how much it would cost you but it would make a nice keepsake for her. If it was me I'd love that.

I hope you're OK otherwise. I haven't had a chance to read back but wanted to say hello when I saw your thread.

L. xx

[Andabelle]

I like One's idea a lot.

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, ladies, thanks for checking in and for your suggestions. I appreciate averyone who posts to me...I spend so much of my time completely alone (except for my cats) that I sometimes feel that there is nobody else out there at all, much less anyone who gives a *********** about me.

I have been communicating with the wedding coordinator (and the stationery designer) about this issue with the invitations, and I will be talking directly with the bride on Monday. I think the coordinator and designer understand and appreciate where I'm coming from, and things seem to be calming down (I have been working with the designer for a long time, but this is the first project I have done with this wedding coordinator). I received payment for the balance of the invoice yesterday, and I'm going to go ahead and deposit it, but the client will be getting some sort of reimbursement or credit for other materials (the expectation is that she will be having me do place cards for her as well, and maybe some other things too). I will see what I can come up with as a special bonus piece of calligraphy to appease the client; that is a good idea, and was also suggested by one of my fellow calligraphers.

Other than that...I am struggling along, trying to get my act in gear but not being able to find the gearshift. It's at times like these that I think about the "glass half full/empty" concept. I could say that my sleep schedule is totally screwed up for no good reason and therefore I'm exhausted a lot, I'm procrastinating big-time on a lot of important things in my life, I know that my behavior is being negatively influenced by my depression but I don't think there's much I can do about it, I'm crushingly lonely, I have slacked off on my exercise, and my bulimic tendencies are making themselves felt...and that would all be true. I could also say that I am quite healthy physically and in pretty good shape, I feel that overall I am doing what God is telling me to do regarding my M, I have plenty of resources to help me if I will just use them, and there are people who care about me even if they don't contact me all the time. That would all be true too.

How do I break out of this rut and start to LIVE? And more importantly, CARE about living? 'Cause I really don't, and haven't for years. I keep hoping that I'll come down with some quickly fatal disease that isn't painful. I've more or less come to the conclusion that I am not going to kill myself, because it would just be wrong and I really don't want to run the risk of going to that hot place in the afterlife, but I'm beyond eager for God to take me out of the game. The last time I actually felt that it was a good thing I was alive was so long ago that I don't even remember how it felt. Now I feel like I am just marking time, twiddling my thumbs while waiting for the lights to go out.

I rarely talk to people in my RL about this stuff, because it makes people uncomfortable if you tell them you want to hurry up and die. I used to talk to my H about it, but it took years for me to start telling him how I felt about this, since I was always afraid that if I revealed to him what I was really like, he wouldn't want me any more. Guess what? It took a while, but that's exactly what happened. Is anyone surprised that even if I did feel that it would be okay to look for a new partner...I have NO faith that anyone would actually want me?

Sometimes I think I should just stop talking entirely...even I get (more) depressed listening to myself! Welcome to the surreal world of clinical depression, where all paths lead to the Pit of Despair...which has an alter ego as a black hole (meaning that nothing ever escapes it). You can smack me if you like, but if you do, give me some practical advice that goes beyond "Oh, just get over yourself already, will you?" If I could do that, I would have done it...SOMEtime in the last 30 years. Likewise for all the "simple" treatments for depression, like ADs and exercise. But here I am, still stuck.

Now I am going to go have some breakfast, defined as the first meal of the day...even at 10:45 p.m.

Peace,
Dawn

[Done in VA]

Do you like to read? The first book I started reading when the crap hit the fan was Champagne for the Soul by Mike Mason. It is a 90 day journey in exercising your "joy muscle". It has helped me tremendously. I have made a list of everything that truly bring joy to my life...NOT fleeting happiness, but REAL joy. I pray for joy daily & put the things that bring me joy into practice. Whether it be enjoying a flower in nature to eating a healthy meal. And starting to appreciate what you DO have rather than what you DON'T.

Another thing that helps & I know it seems weird, but helping others. Seeing that there are people out there in way worse situations than you that could use YOUR help. Think about volunteering. Maybe at a nursing home. You could go read stories to someone before bed. It's someone that could use your company & it will help you too.

[Dawn of Hope]

Hey, Hopeful, yes, I am a voracious reader, although I am much more partial to fiction than to nonfiction. I will look into that book in a while (I got a little carried away at the library recently and I have a BIG stack of books to go through!). I have not heard of it before, and I hope it can help. Thanks.

And thanks for reminding me about volunteering. That's on my "I know it would be a good thing but I don't know if I have the energy to pursue it" list. If I were to volunteer, I know my first choice would be to work with cats, and I even have a favorite independent animal shelter not far from me. The main problem would be dealing with the fact that I couldn't rescue all of them, or probably any of them. I have some difficulty relating to both older people (in certain circumstances) and kids (whom I'm a little afraid of), so that cuts out a lot of volunteer possibilities.

Tonight I was writing an overdue response to a friend, and while in my "writing zone" I came up with the material following this paragraph. I decided to save the response to my friend as a draft, and think about whether or not to send it. I don't know if I'm ready to be this open with people in my RL, so I am posting it here as journaling:

I have finally registered that the creeping grayness of depression has overtaken my life yet again. It manifests in causing me to stay awake all night and sleep through the main bulk of the daytime; allowing the days to drift by like clouds passing, meaning that my mantra is "Oh, I'll get to that tomorrow, it's not that important," unless I have a deadline staring me in the face; barely leaving my house or communicating "live" (not online) with other people; and just basically feeling and acting like a ghost in my own life. I don't know how to explain it very well to someone who hasn't experienced it, but it's like being in a dream, even when one is awake. I rarely cry, and I don't even feel particularly bad except when reality breaks through and smacks me in the face, such as when I realize I have missed an important deadline or I have done irreparable damage by not getting something done at the proper time. But most of the time I just sort of drift around my house, disconnected from the rest of the world except through the pseudo-reality of the computer.

Anti-depressants would probably help, but I discontinued them (and all my other medications) after H lost his job in February, because I lost my prescription insurance, and then later on I found out I have no medical insurance at all. H got another job in April, but I still don't have any medical insurance (I don't know if he does or not). I can't afford it on my own, and even if I could, my pre-existing conditions (like depression) wouldn't be covered for a year. I could get cheap anti-depressants, but I would still have to pay the huge fees for the supervisory psych visits periodically. So I am going without medical care.

My mom and brother are worried that I will be in a serious accident or something and their savings will be drained to pay for my care. I'm not quite brave enough to tell them that I'd rather they just saved their money and let me die. I know that sounds terrible to other people, but I just haven't been able to work up much interest in life for a long time. I know it's the depression warping my brain, but I just can't seem to find any motivation to do the hard work necessary to fight it. It's more than just taking a pill...especially now that I have no insurance, so even getting the pills would be something of an ordeal. Just doesn't seem to be any point in trying. Do I still count as suicidal if I've decided not to actually kill myself, but I hope to be in a fatal accident or get a quick and painless terminal disease?

Additional thoughts beyond what I wrote to my friend: I wish it were as easy as taking a pill and everything would be better, but it's not. I feel disconnected, not just from the rest of the world, but from myself. It's like my emotions have been switched off except for the occasional painful experience related to H or to some other thing that can still reach me through this fog. I feel removed from life, and I wish the removal were real instead of just being in my mind. I just don't care to live, because it is pointless to me, and all I get from it is pain, which far outweighs the occasional flash of pleasure or joy. I try to remind myself that if I'm still alive, then God has something for me to do, some purpose for me, but I know in my heart that it is just lip service, and I don't actually feel it. I don't want to be a whiner, or a burden to other people, but it seems to me that the first step to getting past this whole disconnection from life is to actually care about getting past it...and I just...don't care. So...I don't do anything at all that might be useful, no matter how good an idea it might seem to be.

I'm just so tired. I feel like I'm so lost in the maze that I will never get out...and I no longer care about trying to find the exit.

Anybody who has a depressed spouse...maybe my musings will give you some insight into why your S is so difficult to deal with.

Peace,
Dawn

[Kalni]

Dawn,
This just aint right!!! I was saddened to read your thoughts and realising how lonely and depressed you feel. I am no expert and certainly cant give any advice that would bring the change for you but I can tell you this: you matter and your life matters and you can make it a good one. I dont care if your H is a jerk, is going thru MLC, is cheating or whatever else, YOU are responsible for your life. Depression as I understand is a hard thing to deal with but do not surrender to it. You are healthy, you are young and you can affect so many people around you. You said you are afraid of kids? Well, I was too, I was difficult to connect with kids before having my own, and I think volunteering with kids would be a great idea. It will be so rewarding I am sure, it will get you back to enjoying life's simple joys that us grown ups forget to.

You have to find a way to start your meds again. You are not alone.
K

Have you read a small book called "5 persons you meet in heaven"?, google it, find it and read it.

[Sara]

Dawn,

Everything Kalni says is true. You need to fight this depression. Maybe go to a landscape garden and walk around smelling the flowers. Or just a walk in a nice nearby park. You do need to get out of the house and be around people. Call your friend instead of writing to her, and just talk about stuff. Try to find things to laugh about.

Are you working? If not, then try to find a job doing something, even working at the grocery store or a department store. You need to get out and be around people. Maybe Petsmart or another pet store is hiring. A lot of those stores, like Walmart and Home Depot have good benefits.

[mishka422]

Do I still count as suicidal if I've decided not to actually kill myself, but I hope to be in a fatal accident or get a quick and painless terminal disease?

I understand that thought far too well. I've spent far too many hours contemplating how to die without actually killing myself. It's really hard to get out of that mindset and honestly Dawn, the only reason I ever do is because of my son. He's my only reason for living. You have to find one thing you are passionate about and grab it with both hands. Throw your entire being into it.

How do you go about that? By taking yourself out of your comfort zone and repeating that action over and over until something clicks.

You love animals. I know it's very easy to get attached to them and want to adopt all of them. Is there a 'no kill' shelter near you? You said there is a small private shelter so I assume they are probably a no kill. If so, is it so bad that you can't bring them home? You can still be their friend, love and care for them but leave them there afterward. It's not so much their surroundings as it is their interaction that makes them healthy and happy.

[Andabelle]

Are you feeling any better today?

[Dawn of Hope]

Hey, all, thanks, you all have helped me. Maria, Sara, Mish, Andabelle, I really appreciate all the advice and suggestions and support. Really really appreciate it. Maria, I will have to look up that book--I have heard of it, but that is all. Sara, you are right, I do need to look into all of those things. I need to get out of the house; the weather has been lovely, instead of the overwhelming heat and humidity we normally have at this time of year, and for weeks I've hardly left my house for longer than it takes to walk to the mailbox. Mish, yes, the shelter I spoke of is a no-kill shelter, which is one of the reasons I like them.

I'm feeling a little better. I have work deadlines to meet this week so I have been plugging in to life marginally better. Not much, but a little.

I am a calligrapher, specializing in weddings, which was a fun and exciting thing when my M was healthy. I have issues with it periodically now, where I'll be working with wedding clients and just want to scream, "Don't do it! Sooner or later, your S will put you through he**!" I haven't told any of my professional contacts anything about the pathetic state of my M.

This week I have been working on invitations or save-the-dates for three or four different weddings. In addition, I'm creating a large "wedding guest book" broadside (that term refers to any kind of lettering on a piece of paper that is designed for framing). This piece will be heavily decorated (I will use various colors and lettering styles, some gilding, and will draw and paint flowers and leaves and such) and will have the couple's names and parents' names and vows and so forth, with space for all of the wedding guests to sign at the ceremony, and will be framed for hanging in the couple's home afterwards. This is based on a Quaker wedding tradition. I've done these before on occasion, and although it is more intimidating to execute than an ordinary addressed envelope, the end result is much more gratifying. The every-other-month class I was attending all last year, 500 miles away, was an intensive course in designing and decorating certificates and other items in this manner, although I had had other classes along these lines before. Wedding is this weekend, so I need to get on with it.

I vacillate between feeling kicked to death and unable to even help myself, ready to completely give up on everything, even though the actions I know I should take "shouldn't" be that difficult...and having those thoughts of "Okay, I know this is hard, but I'll just keep at it and I'll get through it." This is one of my big problems...I can't seem to stick with one or the other long enough to make a lot of progress. I go back and forth between wanting to live, and wanting to die. So I stay stuck. This was a major insight I had recently...I am trapped between life and death, unable to choose.

On the one hand, I have come to believe quite firmly that depression really is an illness, that it's not my fault, and that anyone who believes I should just be able to "pull myself up by the bootstraps" and get past it...really has no concept of what it is like. I mean, the fact that I have been struggling to find the most fleeting moments of happiness for 30 years (yes, 30 YEARS!) should clearly indicate that I can't just "snap myself out of it." This is complicated by the fact that depression makes one so discouraged about the prospect of ever feeling better that one loses the will to even try. Sure I want to feel better, just like everyone else does...but it seems like the odds are so bad that it really isn't even worth the effort at all. It is frustrating because I get the impression from a lot of people (including my H) that even though they give lip service to the idea that depression is an illness...they still blame the person who has it for not doing anything about it, because they think it is just something like a little more intense version of "the blues," which people come out of on their own. Kinda like blaming someone with a broken leg for not helping you move furniture..."If you put some weight on it, that would help it to heal!" I dunno, maybe that's not a great analogy. I fully admit that I would hate to deal with someone like me.

At the same time, I hate being a whiny excuse-maker (and I don't want to sound like I blame other people for not having any frame of reference to understand my depression). I don't like people like that, and I don't expect anyone else to like me when I'm being that way either. This is why I withdraw from society when the depression is particularly overwhelming, because I don't want to inflict my darkness on other people. This is why I hide in my house and don't reach out to anyone in my RL unless they catch me at a vulnerable moment. I went to a hairdresser appointment on Monday, and it was the first time I'd left the house or spoken to anyone in four or five days, at least. A few friends have left voice mails for me to see how I'm doing, and I can't seem to get myself to pick up the phone and call them back, as gratifying as it is to know that there are people in my RL who actually care about me.

Speaking of my hairdresser, she told me something interesting. In fact, she was practically bouncing with eagerness to tell me (and she's 50 years old, so not exactly a young whippersnapper!). She worked with H's sister, until SIL moved a couple of states away a year ago, so since SIL did the hair of almost everyone in the family, my current hairdresser got to know us all a little over the years of working at the same salon as SIL.

I had spoken to SIL about my M sitch shortly after it started, because she caught me at a bad time once. I know, not a good idea to talk to H's family about what he was doing wrong, and I didn't want to put her in an awkward position, but I thought she would have some sympathy because she went through a similar but even worse sitch with her first H, whom she finally D'd after 18 years of cheating and manipulation and verbal abuse, and who still hasn't changed his stripes, a dozen years later (she's remarried, more happily, it seems). BTW, I never got the impression that _anyone_ in my H's immediate family was all that fond of me, although they weren't rude or anything. I always felt that I was a bit persona non grata because I am of a different faith, declined to take the family name (I still use my birth name exclusively...funny, nobody ever asked H why he still uses HIS birth name!), and declined to provide the family with any grandchildren...among my more obvious sins.

Anyway, my hairdresser (C.) and SIL talk sometimes, and C. said that a few weeks ago, SIL asked her about me. She said she didn't tell her anything except that I was doing well, my business was improving and my work was appearing in a certain major international bridal publication (both the spring and summer editions this year, and summer is on the stands right now!). SIL was surprised to hear that I was doing well, it sounds like. She asked C. if H and I were going to D (I guess either SIL doesn't talk to my H much, or she wanted to get another person's take on the sitch...maybe she suspects my H has been lying to her too?), and C. told her she stays out of that line of discussion, as she doesn't want to be in the middle of it (a partial lie, as she does ask me). C. hasn't seen my H since SIL moved last year, so it's not like she has to make nice with him, but she does talk to SIL. Anyway...(boy, it sure is taking me a long time to get to the point!) ...SIL said she never really got to know me, and now she wished she had...and she asked C. to tell me that she wished me the best. That was interesting...and my response was to smile and say, "So it only took her 23 years to decide she wanted to get to know me better?" Heh, normally I don't actually say that sort of thing out loud...only in my head!

I'm not really looking for advice on the SIL/hairdresser sitch, or much of any of the rest of this, I guess, unless someone has something in particular to say about it. I think this post is mostly just venting and journaling. I do wish I knew how to deal with this whole depression-procrastination-hibernation-avoidance state without drugs, which aren't really in my budget right now and are limited in what they can do anyway.

Tomorrow I have a tutoring session with one of my calligraphy students, which is always fun. Then I have a lot of work to do on this "wedding guest book" piece.

And that's...the rest of the story. Thank you all for keeping me company on this wild ride.

Peace,
Dawn