Yay!!!!! Finally a new thread.

[antlers]

Dropping the kids off sucked! Interaction was casual with H (he was busy laying by the pool with some of the women who live there, he's like part of the family now).

I am in a good mood after reading the following-

The better Coach got with communication, empathy, listening and setting boundaries, the more mad I got.

I can still work on my shortcomings and set boundaries. And H being angry does not mean I am doing anything wrong.

I like what Greek wrote too! I think it's about compassion...we have to have it for ourselves as well as others. Remember, the Golden Rule is based on the premise that we LOVE ourselves! We have to have empathy for our own hurts, and the will to do something about it...to truly have compassion for others too!

[aliveandkicking]

I really like what you wrote...I may use some of it! Thanks.

IMO...you should try to deal with the kid logistics first (I may need to take my own advice)...

But, as a premise for us to remember (which is more important than what they think at this point), we are not responsible for their behavior or feelings.

[aliveandkicking]

A/K, just a few ideas I'm tossing around. I am not sure it is a bad idea to get things off your chest and if and when he ever re-reads it, you'll have given him a reality ball. BUT he'll only read so much. Two or three paragraphs AT MOST....if you can keep it to one, the chance he'll read it all, greatly increases...so pick and choose...
j-

I just received a remarkably concise email from H. This means he a) "got it" and b) is grumpy about it.

I wrote the following which I will NOT send because the truth is, I have the upper hand even if it doesn't feel like it and I want to stop making things so verbose and complicated. But here is what I would have sent if I felt it was worth the effort. If he is a jerk when I drop off the kids, I might revisit it.

It seems you are aggravated and annoyed that I want some space and need time to heal. (Or maybe, "Though I'm not a mind reader, you actually seemed angry at me yesterday just for trying to get space from you, which I need to heal.) (I -note the "I" statements--have been hurt and devastated by your leaving as have our children, and moreover, some things you have said, are unecessarily cruel. On numerous occasions, you compared me to the new women in your life, to my face and you belittle me. ANd then you blame me for your present conduct as well. This is not all new behavior of yours, but it shocks me that you would still play the blame game when we have not lived together now for months... Your behavior has been hurtful and devastating to me our children, and much of our extended family. You've gone so far as to numerous times compare me to your knew love interest and belittle me. And then you blame me for your emotionally abusive behavior which by the way is pretty consistent with how you've treated me for a long time. I realize that I hurt you too but this all reminds me of what the dynamic has been for so long.
[i]Though this upper part is fully justified, the rest of the letter (below) might need to be sent. Just wondering..


When you mentioned being "even" yesterday, I realized how heartless you have become and how dangerous this situation is and sad that the kids are in the middle. 50/50 responsibility would have meant that we were "even" when you left. The fact that you are still looking for payback is a testament to your guilt (OR something internal in you b/c he may not ever admit feeling guilt which equals responsibility) and how difficult it is to rationalize your behavior (even with all of the swell of support you seem (CLAIM) to have found)...you have to go back to the well to find a way to blame me and I suspect you may do that forever. WHILE SURPRISING AT THIS POINT IN THE SITUATION, THIS BLAME GAME OF YOURS NO LONGER CONCERNS ME AS I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOUR ACTIONS, & AND I NEVER CAUSED ANY OF THEM EITHER...

But, the victims of that are not just us and our emotional well beings but our kids as well. They've been living in that paradigm of blame for so long. Now that you have what you want and you are loved in the "right" way, there should be no reason to blame me or seek revenge.

PERFECT A/K



You have expressed that in your heart you know this is right and you are fulfilling your destiny so there should be nothing but clarity and a newfound ability to empathize and treat me with gratitude and respect. Giving me space and time to heal and respecting boundaries would be part and parcel to exhibiting your goodwill. That would also preclude you from making veiled threats and having a nasty attitude.[/i]

[i]LOVE IT
[/i]

after all, if he is so convinced that he has FINALLY done the "right" thing, what's with the anger" What's with the threats? [color:#FF0000]When will he think the kids have been damaged enough for HIM to feel better about himself, since this is all about THAT???? Why are YOU so at peace (Interally you will be...'fake it til you make it honey' and use those acting skills in front of him to display utter indifference...in time, that is what you will feel. Where the head goes, the heart WILL follow, if you let it). Why are you so kind to the kids? Oh wait, I know, you love them and don't use them to hurt him!! ANd b/c you are finally free to live a life without a succubus in it.[/color] The "happiness drain" is finally, thank GOD, moving on to some other place where I'm sure his "contributions" will be more fully appreciated....Well good for him! We're all so happy for his new found sense of peace and harmony...I'm sure it will last and last and be so productive. And hey, if it is, that's great news for you and the kids cuz maybe some bills will be paid. take note of his life style b/c the court will....and they DO count "OW"s" incomes by the way, IF you get a divorce decree, and he lives with rich OW, THAT counts and helps YOU....but you gotta get it in writing. Wait, you have that cousin DIV L....time for a call to the family business guy perhaps. Just get info....lots and lots of info and have a good beautiful day.

(((( HUGS ))))
j-

I need to get clear on what my intention would be in sending it other than to be "right" one more time. If I have it in writing and he responds, that could be helpful. I'm not sure if it is worth it. I set a boundary and I might like to just let it go for now. Don't want to do the old calling to tell someone not to call you anymore deal, ykwim? I asked him to back off and it seems that he is.

Oh, and really, I think I have already articulated most of this, even as far back as when he left asking him if this finally meant he would stop blaming me for everything and take responsibility for himself.

That has been so destructive for our R and our children...I don't think he will give it up just because I point it out AGAIN, it is part of his pathology.

Trying to get straight on what and where my energy should be going.

The manifestations of his thought processes are what I think are worthy of addressing.

[antlers]

I really like what you wrote...I may use some of it! Thanks.

IMO...you should try to deal with the kid logistics first (I may need to take my own advice)...

But, as a premise for us to remember (which is more important than what they think at this point), we are not responsible for their behavior or feelings.

We have been physically separated since February, and the kid logistics have for the most part, under the circumstances, been pretty good. School, activities, and such, have gone pretty well...with each of us taking care of these things when it was our turns to have the kids. Vacations, as I've mentioned, have been a sticking point.

We can control our thoughts, feelings, and actions...but we can't control theirs. So we have to do what we think is right...and let them think what they will!

[aliveandkicking]

We can control our thoughts, feelings, and actions...but we can't control theirs. So we have to do what we think is right...and let them think what they will!

I think you and I are on the same page.

[25yearsmlc]

If you have already said all these things then I take your point. My main thing is that we keep clobbering these idiots with the "I have no control over what you do" WHICH THEY LIKE HEARING...but follow it with "And I never did. So you can't blame me for it..." which is the 'other side' of that issue. If they are "free to be free" then they have to shut up about the collateral damage their exercise of their beloved freedom causes...

Anyhow, all well said. Do as you will!
(( ))
J-

[antlers]

If they are "free to be free" then they have to shut up about the collateral damage their exercise of their beloved freedom causes...

Amen to that!

[aliveandkicking]

Anyhow, all well said. Do as you will!

Not sure yet, just want to be mindful and have no investment in his interpretation. If you think I write a lot, you should hear me talk.

I'm sure I've covered everything numerous times in fact. Maybe if I'm quiet for a while then I can say something succinct and it will have more of an impact.

[25yearsmlc]

brevity has a lot of value. For juries, I never make more than 5 points in all (and try very hard to keep it to three.) Usually I can keep it to three points even if there's a ton of stuff they "have" to think about...organize it for them into 3 "main" points, and bring it to the logical conclusion (which is that my guy is right, and the opponent is wrong...so obvious!!)

Economy of words. Men definitely prefer it and I do think they tune out easily. Also there is value in silence. last year I got a job offer and when it came to money I listened to the first number and said nothing. The guy went on some more and then, I swear, lifted the number by 20k annually and threw in a bonus...WTH? Just for listening and waiting which was partly a negotiation tactic on my end and partly b/c I wasn't sure how to respond yet.
Believe it or not, I do keep it short in the court room. Too bad we don't get paid for writing here, by the word!

Hope you are having a good day. Just don't let HIS interpretation get into your little internal world. As long as you master that, as you are starting to, you really will be alright. I can just tell. (That's convincing, isn't it?)
HUGS!!
(( J ))

[aliveandkicking]

Thanks 25. I had a good day. Had to send H an email regarding the upcoming move. I had written like 6 paragraphs with all of the aforementioned issues and I just deleted them and stuck to the issue at hand.

I wouldn't mind having him acknowledge that certain events occurred as it could be helpful. But for now, my instinct and challenge is less words and more action.

Too bad EVERY little f*cking thing reminds me of him, us, our family that is no more, etc. It is brutal out there...even saw a movie with someone in the wedding scene that was actually at our wedding...aargh.

But, overall a good day.

I want to buy a book I read about called "Get out of your mind and into your life"...written especially for me.

I hope you had a nice day too.