Yay!!!!! Finally a new thread.

[Sara]

Anger is a very good thing. You have had way too little of it.

[aliveandkicking]

Because he has had me convinced that I am responsible for this and as much as I complain on here about him, I have bought his sh*t deep down inside.

Now, I am at my breaking point. I probably should have filed in the very beginning (Gucci, 25, there you go) because he had no where to live and I could have gotten custody more easily.

I am disgusted, heart broken, mortified. Feeling punched in the gut all over.

My conversation tonight was so good. We started to get into it and I told him very calmly I have given too much of my energy to him and I'm not doing that anymore so let's just stick to the facts.

I have been giving him my input and even my judgements have served to make him rethink himself and who he is and the choices he's making, and for what? So he can be a better man for his new GF?????? I want to puke.

I wish I could tell everyone on here to not give these cretans another ounce of their precious energy.

I wish being angry didn't hurt so much.

[Sara]

Yes, but the anger is self-preserving. You will protect yourself if you are angry. You have not protected yourself before.

[aliveandkicking]

I feel like he is winning by me stewing like this. Now I am ready to walk away and I hate him for how hostile I feel. Does that make sense??? I didn't want to give up. I didn't want to see the worst in him. 14 f*cking years.

[Gardener]

I feel like he is winning by me stewing like this. Now I am ready to walk away and I hate him for how hostile I feel. Does that make sense??? I didn't want to give up. I didn't want to see the worst in him. 14 f*cking years.

AAK, I've been following and I'm sorry. Be angry. Be damn angry. Hate him. Be hostile. Makes perfect sense, right now.
He's not winning, no matter how much you are stewing. He is losing in so many ways. You didn't want to give up and you didn't. You will be proud of that, soon, and for the rest of your life. How many of us start on this board and eventually say "I DB so that no matter what the outcome, I will hold my head up, know that I did everything I possibly could...etc."

Oh, and by the way,

Because he has had me convinced that I am responsible for this and as much as I complain on here about him, I have bought his sh*t deep down inside.

I'm betting you won't believe this for long.
You are definitely my prayer of the day throughout today.

[aliveandkicking]

Thanks Gardner. This really blows. Now what?

[25yearsmlc]

Okay hold on now A/K, you don't have to know all the answers this minute.

One at a time. No kids around for the move BUT They will be warned ahead of time so they don't think that you got robbed while they were playing. Do not let h make you out to be the bad guy in front of them but KNOW That (my child c said this so I'm passing it on to you) the kids MAY now and then lash out at you rather than h b/c they don't want to alienate him and make him come around less. So on one hand the good news is that you will have them most often but the bad news is that you won't get all their best behavior. He won't get their worst either, you will. But he will miss so much.

The anger is fine under one condition, that it NOT Consume you. I think that is what you fear, so when you say "he wins, b/c of the anger", you mean b/c you are giving him too much power over how you feel about yourself and your life. So don't give him so much of that power.

These are choices he made, never forget that. NO one, NO WOMAN would allow a man to come and go as he has for months, and think it's alright. Isn't that essentially what he has "asked" of you? Regardless of why he wanted out originally, even if you were the worst wife in the world which you were NOT,

the deal NOW, as of today, is that he expects you to put up with an insane type of arrangement and you won't. Good for you.

You will come out of this alright. He has behaved like a scoundrel, or in today's venacular, a "p-o-s-" and deserves your contempt. But it only goes so far b/c when those feelings spread too much in YOU, you have to remember that you are a good person who will survive and transcend and overcome and thrive, soon. I think you will. And he is SO Not worth much energy anymore.

Why not spend your energy on what you want to create for your new life, rather than what a crappy one you put up with for too long?


So talk to the kids, prepare them. Then get them out of the house when he leaves. And stay calm in front of him if you can but if you lose it for a minute, or he tries to fob this off on you, you can say, "H, no woman in her right mind would find your behavior acceptable. So count your blessings that I speak to you and don't bad mouth you to the kids...bye now!" And do make sure you both agree Not to engage in "parental alienation" and if he does, he'll lose big time.

I do ache for you, "OUCH" and I'm sending prayers your way even if you are not a believer b/c I think God has an extra phone line just for you.
Have faith that you will see the light at the end of this. You will.
((( )))
j-

[aliveandkicking]

One at a time. No kids around for the move BUT They will be warned ahead of time so they don't think that you got robbed while they were playing. Do not let h make you out to be the bad guy in front of them but KNOW That (my child c said this so I'm passing it on to you) the kids MAY now and then lash out at you rather than h b/c they don't want to alienate him and make him come around less. So on one hand the good news is that you will have them most often but the bad news is that you won't get all their best behavior. He won't get their worst either, you will. But he will miss so much.

Yes, I've got this down. I spoke to H last night. Lucky for me, due to his mommy issues and guilt, he will pretty much do what I want so we arranged a pretty good plan. I am already dealing with the issues that come with separation; they pine for him and give him their best. I get it, they share the hardest moments with me.

The anger is fine under one condition, that it NOT Consume you. I think that is what you fear, so when you say "he wins, b/c of the anger", you mean b/c you are giving him too much power over how you feel about yourself and your life. So don't give him so much of that power.

Yes and I realize that I desperately need space from him. So, today when he called I texted him do you "need" to talk to the boys? He answered yes. So I called and he wanted to ask some inane question and I was in the middle of a very nice time with the boys and it was BS that he needed to interrupt.

So, I just told him, I don't bother them when they are with him unless it is critical and he said I can call anytime and I said that I refrain even when it is hard because I want to respect their time with him and I do not want to be enmeshed and I have let them know they can call me whenever THEY want to. That is healthy to me even though it is very difficult as I have been used to being with them nearly every day of their lives.

I let him know that I need to not have to deal with him. I am hurt and disgusted and I have listened to him tear into me for months now and I'm done. I need him to leave me alone. He said "Ok, if that's how you want this, I can get ugly too." I said look, if every time I set a boundary to take care of myself and the kids, you threaten me this will be a nightmare for all of us. And he made some comment about my "negativity". That is the mindf*ck right there and I caught it. No, I intend to have a wonderful day, I just need you to leave me alone. I can guarantee he doesn't get it and probably never will.

I have spent all morning really focused on the kids and they relish in it because I have been so sort of gone emotionally these months.

And, I am excited to focus on myself and my work.

Thanks for your support.

Oh, last thing, he is only moving a few things out and it is irking me because it still puts us in a bit of limbo.

[25yearsmlc]

how does it put you into a sort of limbo? How about YOU take charge of that and get some storage space or pack the rest of it up and find a place for his stuff to GO....??

Just a thought. OTherwise you are doing so well. Glad to hear you say you are "done" with the mindf--- AND you handled the convo with him fine.

So he can get "ugly too"?? WTH? B/C You set a boundary...oh no!! You have no right to do that?? Geez, and he was being so nice and all...

All things considering, I'd say "Well done!". Have a great weekend!

J-

[CityGirl]

Setting boundaries is for YOU and YOU only. Of course the WAS doesnt like it because it lessens (or eliminates if you hold strong to your boundary) their ability to walk all over you, call all the shots and remain in control of the R. Its not uncommon for the WAS to lash you at you and say you are being negative, mean, unfair or some other BS.

The key to boundaries is enforcing them. They are for you and your stability, growth and forward movement. And they are not easy to set and stick to (trust me, I know). You can set your boundary in a calm, polite and firm fashion. Just be sure not to react in a negative way when the WAS expresses their displeasure with the boundary. Remain cool and calm. Eventually it will become second nature to you and its an excellent way to help you move forward for YOU and your children.

If having the remains of your H's things in your home make you feel like you are still in limbo then pack them up and tell him to rent a storage unit or move them elsewhere. I packed up all my H's things he left behind (I did that for ME though, not as a favor for him) and put them in our storage unit. It was kind of sad and empowering at the same time. I was tired of looking at them and I wanted OUR place to become MINE. As I told my H you are welcome to come home and live but if your choice is not to do that then MY home will not be your free storage unit until you are done drifting from place to place like some sort of frat boy nomad. In 1.5 years he has lived with his grandparents, friends and on and off w/his girlfriend. It must be a terrible feeling for a 34yo professional man to have no home, no roots and no stuff.

Honestly, I still do worry about my H from time to time and how he is living and how little he will be left with but that is because I am human and not a robot. But, choices have consequences. Nobody told him to leave and not come back, that was his choice so he could carry on with his GF, so, it is what it is.

You are going to be fine. Yeah, it will hurt and be sad and you will feel rage and anger like you never knew you could. But one day the dust will start to settle (but may get stirred up from time to time and that is ok too). Stay on the path you are on for you and your children - nobody said your H cant join you if he so chooses but right now he just isnt "path material".

Hugs!
PS - I am sad today too - this is the weekend of an annual charity event for my H's family. For the past 10 yrs. I was a huge part of it and this is the 2nd yr in a row I havent been there. I need to practice my emotional thought stopping because I keep thinking my H's GF has "taken my spot". Doest help that I am as hormonal as hell today. So, we all have ups and downs. I am thinking a martini might do the trick