Yay!!!!! Finally a new thread.

[25yearsmlc]

A/K,

(Sigh)
Be grateful for the clarity you feel now. It's a gift. Seriously.

His request for money from your parents, again, is um...ahem, "remarkable"...(how's that for a euphemism?)
He sure isn't "getting it" is he? No I guess he's not getting it. So you have to.

For the recrod, let's discuss the GAL. Can any of it lead to moolah$$ down the road? Go after the jobs that are most likely to lead to something like that, first. It's not "selling out" it's being grown up and not giving up your dream at all. Just arrange the order of pursuing which dream first, etc. And you would feel so much better I think, if you knew you could
support yourself. I KNOW YOU WOULD. We both know that financial insecurity is a HUGE part of your m's problems AND your fear of getting a div. Interesting bind you find yourself in but I'm telling you there are ways out.

What does your cousin the div L say about how you'll do financially? Compare how "fine" you feel now...not.

And don't forget the "ticking time bomb" analogy to your h's approach to money, which was earlier posted. It's a good analogy. Your h might be clueless about how it feels to you OR more likely, he just doesn't care much about it. I am ALMOST amused at how proud he was of his "success" in decreasing the payment amount AND tells you this as if you should praise him and then asks you for money from your parents!! Yikes!
And your h will not become financially savvy, he doesn't fit that profile.

Financially speaking, he acts selfish and sloppy and this is not new behavior, is it? You have never approached money the same way and perhaps some of your controlling attitude was b/c he lacked any control. I mean if we're into the blame game, you can give him some of that too.

I'm big on staying in the moment A/K. You made mistakes in the past and you won't make the same ones again, correct? Okay let's assume so, and move on...so when your h brings up past stuff, tell him to stay on track and solve AN issue or ONE problem like whatever you are then discussing. He hurls out old stuff b/c he knows that as of today, he's the problem. NOT YOU. So keep that in mind when you go down the "blame myself for his crap" mode and shut off that inner critic. It's not helping.

You may need to file for div, and later on see how the bills go and whether you need to file for bkrutcy, OR if your parents can help you then? I mean if you are going to ever borrow from them, I'd say don't do it til he's out of the picture. Geez,
why should HE benefit? If you div, you will need to list the debts and assets and that means all of them. Maybe your cousin knows more and he surely knows your h and I don't. But ask him about what to do financially speaking, with the assumption you do NOT STAY married. I say that so you can visualize some financial stability.

As for the anger...yi yi yi. I recall our electricity almost getting cut off when the fires were near and we were packing the car for evacuation...and I called h "up the road" by 300 miles, and he asked if that would hurt his credit rating and I asked him if he was kidding. Silence...but in our case, I know for a fact that people in his family and our circles did tell him he was being selfish. And He was embarrassed as this was a first time thing. I'll give my h credit for always taking care of our money--I think he's too cheap/thrifty and I am the one who manages investments, but he has not ever wasted money on himself. Usually takes his shoes in for repair, rather than buying a new pair, literally. (I didn't even know you could get shoes fixed til I met my h). So when the bill wasn't paid I knew something was really weird with h. But I took over paying the bills and thanked him for paying them all these years. That was a big 180' for me. We do struggle with different approaches & money can stress us too. A lot of couples are like that.

Thing is, you are not making it now. You are getting behind and your h isn't dealing with it - b/c you are. (I'd want to switch phone numbers if I were you.) Can you get some work, without hurting yourself vis a vis the div? I know you are not sure yet but let's hypothesize for just a minute...let's say you know you are getting ready for the possibility of a div. If you were to suddenly get a great paying job, even though you were still on "newbie probation", that could hurt you financially -in the div, b/c if your h says "Oh she makes almost as much so I'll only have to pay 'x' now"...that could hurt you.

So balance it all out and get the jobs you can writing, and hope they lead to paying work down the road when he's out of the picture. You'll meet new people and that leads to good things. Imagine how it would be to get a set amount due from him with a divorce decree and if he has some wages garnished to pay off the debts-it's NOT your problem and you won't be getting calls from creditors anymore. How nice would that be?

Try hard to imagine the good things that you know would come out of being free from him; the constant financial concerns, dealing with the idiotic requests for parental loans, the texts that trigger, the "stop by whenever" moments, the sexual "jokes", the bragging, the whining, the sudden needy calls for you to lift up his ego, the grandiose nature of his "plans", the OW, the blame game he plays - no matter how obvious it is that it an issue is clearly on him, and and and and...

Blaming you for spending too much...so, does this mean he isn't doing that anymore? How would you know? If he is still spending too much, how's that your responsibility? NEVER MIND we don't want to know!! This is an example of engaging in his blame game and we have to remember NOT to care about his delusions and the whole 'you are a purple lesbian' claims he can make if he wants. His data isn't real so it doesn't matter.

You are at the point of awakening. You see the negatives of the M to him all over and around you, and you are starting to think there might be a positive just by removing the negatives and that's true. If nothing else, some peace. And down deep, you know there is more out there for you. Good things await.

Your anger is totally reasonable but it can consume you. You'll need to learn ways of not letting it. Have you tried the book "Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson? There is also a new book called "Advancing Your Spirit" by her and Wayne Dyer which I found very interesting, particularly her sections. Helpful and relevant to this time in your life and how productive it can be now that you won't care so much about what someone thinks of you or your course of action.

You will need to find ways of letting go of the anger. But a lot will improve if you get free of him. Sorry to say this but I just don't see a choice here. Gotta end on that note for now. Sorry. But most of the advice you are getting deals with either you doing this, moving on, OR you somehow trying a new technique for "reaching" him. I don't understand wasting more time trying to "reach" a man who left you and the kids months ago and contacts you whenever HE feels like it and OR wants money
from your family or (see things that will improve, in my list above) says one of those things that drive us all crazy to read.
So I am trying to prepare you for another route, a route to peace and growth for YOU and the kids...

((( j )))

PS Sorry this is so long!

[aliveandkicking]

PS Sorry this is so long!

What??? Don't you know for an LBS, the longer the better???

Honestly 25, I am absolutely open and ready to take a good paying job. I'd do it in a heart beat. I would love to be self-sufficient. The only precedent I don't want to set is "you're a waitress, alright, seems to be working for you." IYKWIM.

I think H is tightening up his spending (I have his bank statements) and he is starting to sell things (OW must be very attractive, he's so motivated)...H is just really awesome at mooching and he is getting by nicely thus far.

Of course, H says he sees other perspectives, he sees all sides. The "people" around him are just asking, you know?

Anyway, I'm getting you. I hate to have to cast such a negative light on the M in order to work up the gumption to follow through. It is and may always be malarky to me. There was so much good and a lot of bad too. If we wanted to make it the priority and grow ourselves, we would. I don't know why I always feel the need to qualify but I just can't delude myself.

I want to soften as a person in general. But for now, I have to be so strong.

Maybe my new mantra should be "Speak softly but carry a big stick."

Oh, and as for Marianne Williamson, I'm still working on "The Gift of Change." But if you and I ever meet IRL one day, I've got a funny tidbit for you.

[aliveandkicking]

One more thing. I will absolutely ask my parents for help if and when we have divorced and/or done everything in our power to manage our own problems. That has always been my stance, that it is a last resort.

[traveldane]

AAK,

So much going on for you right now. Been following. I can hear you getting stronger.

Hang in,

TD

[aliveandkicking]

Thanks! I hope you're doing alright.

[25yearsmlc]

It's not that you are are casting the M in a negative light. Some "facts is facts"...For instance, he's gone, he doesn't live at home, his financial plans suck, or don't exist except borrowing from YOUR folks, he lives well himself, and oh, he is with OW.

And he blames you for bringing any "unpleasantness" up b/c evidently this living sitch should be...what?? "Fine" -with you? Does he know that there are NO women in this nation who think this sitch is just "fine"? Does he know that slavish women in the Middle East would not find this arrangement "fine"? (FYI that's literally true come to think of it.) He's being what used to be called a "scoundrel" or a "Cad" and brothers or fathers used to have them beat up for this. Or worse. Publications and ruination...etc.

So, no, you are not "casting" him or the sitch in a bad light. I didn't mention his other behaviors, just said some facts. And they are the ugly truth.

It really sucks to see it in writing some times and I know this from experience but it is what clicked for me, and then I changed. And so did "it" and so far that has been a good thing. It's the truth - so it has to be faced at some point. Why not now? LIfe is so short.

((( j )))

[goingtofixME]

I want to point something out. I could be way off base, but it is something I see. Why in the world are you expecting your husband to change and be responsible? You are expecting him to care about something he has never had to deal with (your finances). Then you talk about your parents possibly bailing you out. From a soon to be single mom of 3 who put herself through nursing school while working fulltime at Wal-Mart, get a job and take control of the finances that you are giving your irresponsible spouse control over. You can't control anyone but yourself, your actions, and your reactions. BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE! Stop complaining about what he isn't doing and you DO something!! One of my fave expressions, Put on your big girl panties and deal with it!!! You can do this! You just have to believe in yourself and want it bad enough.

[25yearsmlc]

A/K,

what she said...amen. Oh, And...you CAN do this.

((( j )))

[aliveandkicking]

I want to point something out. I could be way off base, but it is something I see. Why in the world are you expecting your husband to change and be responsible? You are expecting him to care about something he has never had to deal with (your finances). Then you talk about your parents possibly bailing you out. From a soon to be single mom of 3 who put herself through nursing school while working fulltime at Wal-Mart, get a job and take control of the finances that you are giving your irresponsible spouse control over. You can't control anyone but yourself, your actions, and your reactions. BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE! Stop complaining about what he isn't doing and you DO something!! One of my fave expressions, Put on your big girl panties and deal with it!!! You can do this! You just have to believe in yourself and want it bad enough.

I hear you and believe me I have had moments of wanting to just move into a tiny place and do ANYTHING to make my own money.

But, IF I can get out of this with some money and IF my parents can help just to get over the hump (if necessary) of moving etc so that we can have some degree of comfort and a smoother transition for the boys, I will take it. I have a dear friend who D'd her H, her parents did help her with the transition and she has since become self-sufficient and works her butt off. I do not need to make this worse than it is.

And, I have to assume you were a bit younger when you forayed into single motherhood, my point being that at 37, IF I can cultivate something a little more fulfilling, seeing as I spent 14 years helping H and being about him, I would like to. I waited tables for years in my youth and I will do what I have to but IF I can get on more stable ground I would like to.

Putting on my big girl panties has to happen for sure. I don't think I have to go get a job at Walmart to qualify as doing that.

BTW- I admire you for your perseverance and, of course, when it comes to my kids, I will do whatever I have to do.

[CityGirl]

Sometimes something stable happens when you do start at the bottom so dont rule out possibilities.

My moms friend went through a divorce that was so foul, disgusting, horrific and every other awful word you can think of. It was one of the most horrifying divorces I have ever heard of.

She was left broke and took a job as a housekeeper at a national hotel chain. Hardly an ideal position but she did what she had to do. A few months later she was promoted to head housekeeper. A year later she was made head of the entire housekeeping department and all of a sudden had an office and was the boss. A few years later she was promoted to a regional position of housekeeping managing several hotels. Not bad for somebody who started off a few years earlier cleaning rooms.

There might be some golden opportunity that sounds less than ideal but you can make it *very* ideal. Just my 2 cents.