H called last night to express that he thinks we should stop the texting which I enthusiastically agreed to. We talked a bit and then I got off the phone. It felt healthy but sad because we are both finally realizing that this is not working.
The healthy and sad feeling is one I can relate to. BUT there is a positive in your post... the both of you realized what you were doing was not working and when you continue to do something that does not work nothing can change. Now, maybe with some space you both can find something that *does* work. It wont happen overnight but when you take away what doesnt work, you leave lots of room open to find things that *do* work because you arent so consumed with feeling bad about what is not working. (sorry, that was wordy and hopefully made sense)
My H and I, after a 1.5 yr separation, are still trying to see what doesnt work with our communication and what does work. Its not a quick thing to identify. Its really in the past few weeks that I have been noticing that he has been using "I" statements rather than just starting off w/blaming me for HIS feelings. So, the other day I simply said I appreciated how much effort he was putting into using "I" statements and it helped us a great deal to communicate better. I was STUNNED when he said that he noticed I used "I" statements and had mentioned it to him before so he thought he would give it a try. So, he *is* trying and for that I felt I had to show my appreciation because it is working and eliminated something that was not working.
In my head this post makes perfect sense, I hope it doesnt read all garbled and confusing. And hey, I am proud of you!
Well, yes, you will have to work hard but it doesnt mean you wont be together. You just havent yet defined *how* you will be together (as co-parents, friends, a married couple).
I know it might not feel this way now but defining what is not working and both of you agreeing to change it is huge.
Some things we can control and some things we cannot. And there is nothing wrong with being sad but dont let it control you. Feel it in all the ways you need to then take another step.
Lately I have been thinking about all the ways I can empower myself. I actually made a list (us Type A's like lists, lol!). Just a suggestion but I came up with some ideas that made me feel powerful as a woman just for thinking of them!
The other day I had to carry four HUGE bags of stuff to my car (I dont have a driveway and had to park 3 blocks away). The bags were so heavy. I cursed my H up and down because he was not there to haul the stuff. But I did it - because I am a strong woman and I can survive just fine (even while hauling bags but I am considering purchasing a mule, lol). We are not shrinking flowers - we are strong. I know you are, I can just feel it!
Well, C session was interesting. I think he will be helpful. He met with H a few times early on after the bomb. I was surprised that he said he had my H pegged in about 5 minutes. H hasn't seen him in a few months.
It was validating in one way to hear that he saw H's narcissism and saw him as a "dangerous" person emotionally. Kind of feeds my fear a little but at least I know I'm not crazy.
He wants to help me become un-enmeshed so I can see more clearly. And he also thinks that H needs enablers so he finds them.
I see my role in this. I also see that I need to be gentle with myself and not beat myself up for struggling to find a path out of this dynamic.
I don't feel validated to the extent that I will rest on my laurels, I guess I just feel relieved to have someone who sees the complexity of the situation and the anxiety I have with the kids in the middle.
I think the answers will have to come from me but I really need support to keep my perspective and follow through.
Well, C session was interesting. I think he will be helpful. He met with H a few times early on after the bomb. I was surprised that he said he had my H pegged in about 5 minutes. H hasn't seen him in a few months.
It was validating in one way to hear that he saw H's narcissism and saw him as a "dangerous" person emotionally. Kind of feeds my fear a little but at least I know I'm not crazy.
He wants to help me become un-enmeshed so I can see more clearly. And he also thinks that H needs enablers so he finds them.
I see my role in this. I also see that I need to be gentle with myself and not beat myself up for struggling to find a path out of this dynamic.
I don't feel validated to the extent that I will rest on my laurels, I guess I just feel relieved to have someone who sees the complexity of the situation and the anxiety I have with the kids in the middle.
I think the answers will have to come from me but I really need support to keep my perspective and follow through.
Good job. You are worth it. Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
A lot of earlier posts from yesterday dealt WAY too much, imho, with what the hell is going on with your h, or someone' else's, and whether he'll feel guilt later or does now and is projecting it. BLAH BLAH BLAH!
For the 456th time, this is now, ALL about you and your kids. Your h is the cause of some pain and strife in your life. Yes. But we already know that AND we know we have no control over what he feels or says or thinks or projects and soooo much energy keeps getting diverted back into a totally fruitless discussion. EVEN if you could read his mind, you could not change it.
Also, we are not always "half" the reason. Though we play a role in the problems of our marriage, and though it takes two people to make a m work, sometimes it really does just take ONE to end it. Besides, you already owned and apologized for your role in the problems and problems being worked on, are no longer problems. If anything, your h has gotten more self absorbed and certainly has not come home. He has had the time to "make this right" and he chose not to. Instead, his course has persisted and he is still not home. And he isn't "getting it" and NOW that he can live for free somewhere else and doesn't have to "borrow" money from YOUR father... he feels even better about himself (I don't care AT ALL if that is "real", or a sham for his deep insecurities, b/c what he does is all that counts now...actions...the way he treats you...is all that matters...no more time for mind reading or guessing or wondering- blah blah blah x 70987!!)
But he says all is well now, b/c now he can mooch off some semi-celeb's home and stay there instead of living with you and the children HE is the father of. "Gee, Wow, Great job H!! I sense SO MUCH GROWTH THERE! THANKS for HELPING OUT!!"
A/K, I'm glad you are seeing a good c and I know you are ripe for using the tools he'll give you. Thank GOD! He may be just what you need now. As for not texting anymore...hope it works for a whole week. (Sorry but yes, I am smirking, but at him!)
You do of course have the option of simply not reading the texts if he doesn't have the kids. Tell him to type out "911" if it's an emergency and if it is not an emergency, don't read it. If he misuses the "911" line, don't ever answer again unless he has the kids with him. What message does he have to get thru to you right then and there that he cannot pick up a phone for? And if he's goofy on the phone, tell him to call when he's ready for an adult conversation and hang up. If he tells you that you lack a sense of humor, tell him he doesn't know the difference between humor and cruelty, that he lacks the insight that usually comes by age 12. And if he tells you that you are a purple lesbian who is color blind or that HE is the leader of the free world and a musical genius....do you see that you spend too much giving a s*** what he says? Who cares? Laugh off his weird commentary and tell him THAT IS FUNNY! (to PROVE how much of a sense of humor you have) and hang up! No one is holding a gun to your head forcing you to listen to the crazy narcissist you married who lives somewhere else, again...
I think the texting will be a boundary you will have to set and enforce or the mind f*** will continue. You can stop them. I have a feeling he won't stop them. Not on his own.
Good luck, and btw, any thoughts about GAL for you? And have you tried to visualize the positive possibilities of being single, or truly free of him, yet? One would be a lessening of the mind f*** AND maybe even the cessation of them. I think you'll find OM someday. And you'll have the tools for spotting someone with a smart heart and mind, and guess what?
THEN You might even get and keep that family dream you have. Ever wonder about the possibility that this whole crazy time, if it ends the M, might be a gift in the long run? A blessing well disguised, but a blessing nonetheless? God knows my older sister is so much happier now than she would have been if her h had come home, again. Like your h, he cheated at least twice on her and claimed "it didn't really count b/c blah blah blah" and whatever. So now she is remarried, and in a pretty normal M with a guy who thinks she's beautiful and great, not "aging or getting plump". He Does things for her without her asking, and NEVER rolls his eyes at her requests, or acts as if she has made a huge demand on him when the car has a flat tire. He just rushes to help and changes the tire, and asks if she's okay, etc. Her first h would have cursed the whole way about the inconvenience, or wondered why HIS work was interrupted....maybe not to her face, but you'd KNOW HE had been inconvenienced....and she'd be nervous calling for help. There was always the question of what mood her h would have when he came home and THAT decided the happiness level in the family of 5 people. That's so unfair and unhealthy.
Yes He broke her heart leaving her with 3 kids,but he also freed her. Two years later she met OM and now OM is her 2nd h. And she's happier. In her case, her exh DID wake up but that does NOT matter. What matters is ONLY that SHE is happier. Spend NO time on whether your h will get it, wake up and change or come back or if he does, whether his changes are real or will last. That is a waste of time. If any of that happens you can address it then but for the forseeable future I would make ALL of my energy and focus be on making me and my kids happier and more secure. That cannot be done constantly looking over your shoulders and wondering what it will take to get thru to him. NO BOOK has that answer. I'm sorry.
Your h will listen to you IF AND WHEN HE FEELS LIKE IT...and he doesn't and he hasn't and this is not the first time he has broken his vows or your heart. SO, the question ONLY YOU can answer is, will it be the last time?
Be strong. You can do this. You have to. xoxo j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well, I'm just going to let out how f*cking angry I am right now and it is something I will have to work on.
H called very excited about having worked out a settlement with a law firm (regarding one of his credit cards)...he wanted to know if I would ask around (my parents) for help paying it!!!!!!!!! The health insurance hasn't been paid, nor my car payment and I have credit card companies calling me incessantly and he wants me to ask my parents to pay off his debt???????????????? I f*cking lost it on all fronts. Yes, everyone, I lost it. Sorry, I suck.
He wanted me to give him props for shmoozing a settlement out of them (sure he used his heart-wrenching impending D)...
What am I most angry about? Aside from the part about my parents; that for how many frickin years have I been trying to get him on board with handling this??? I told him that I believe my parents would have preferred that he thought about handling this BEFORE leaving their daughter and grandchildren!!! He said he couldn't have done it without leaving (you know, because it was me that was making him overspend on himself!!!)....I hate it. I hate that I loved him so much and tried so frickin hard for so long and that he makes EVERYTHING negative about me and our M. It pains me in a way I can't describe.
I did things I so regret in our M. I was neurotic and controlling, reactive and moody in many ways. Toward the end, I was so much like some of the Ws in Thinker's and Stuck's sitches. I read their threads and I think what the hell was wrong with ME???
But, I guess I didn't have an H who was willing to step up like they are. Man what I would give...anyway...
As for my GAL, I have wonderful opportunities presenting themselves. Unfortunately none will likely generate much income right away but they are writing opportunities and I am so excited. I also have some new friends and some older ones reconnecting and I feel enthusiastic about that. I am still exercising and am waiting for assignment on some volunteer work and have been thinking about checking out a Buddhist temple in the area.
My mind however just swirls with this and all of the variables, money, kids, emotions etc.
There are peaceful moments, there are moments I see the beauty of being D from H. And still, I can't really envision ever being rid of him unless he dies unexpectedly (not wishing, just saying that is really how I feel).
How is it that I can feel responsible for turning him into this beast?
Aaaaargh. Can someone please give me permission to go on facebook and comment on Hs page??? Anyone????
25- I'm here. I'm reading. I'm paying attention. I must tell you. People have to grow and feel it under their own skin to "get it."
Just as the WAS are so hard to get through to, some of us have to wiggle our way out of some nasty foggy insidious mindf*ckery to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
For what it is worth, it helps to have you back on my thread.
A/K, I'm glad you are seeing a good c and I know you are ripe for using the tools he'll give you. Thank GOD! He may be just what you need now. As for not texting anymore...hope it works for a whole week. (Sorry but yes, I am smirking, but at him!)