Oh and also, it would help if he would refrain from texting me this cr*p. The one thing I deserve to get out of being separated is not having to be subjected to his opinion or those of his "friends." Believe me, I spare him my drama and pain and the opinion of those around me UNLESS he opens up that dialog. Regardless it is unhealthy and mildly abusive for both of us.
I can ignore them, but preferably I will find a way to communicate that he needs to stop. Perhaps if we make it into counseling or even as a stipulation.
Okay, then let me refine... Carrying no guilt might be better described as appearing to do the best they can to shed all guilt and project it upon someone else...
Does that move it from mind-reading to a more descriptive place?
New: What a Weekend
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Okay, then let me refine... Carrying no guilt might be better described as appearing to do the best they can to shed all guilt and project it upon someone else...
Does that move it from mind-reading to a more descriptive place?
I do want to add that asserting that the WAS has no guilt or has no clue is a big dose of mind-reading. Much of their crazy behavior can be attributed to the guilt they are feeling. I am not saying that we know one way or the other, just saying that just because they spout out blame and vitriol doesn't mean they don't know somewhere that they are f*cked.
Yes, but, per prior, is knowing somewhere that they are f*cked necessarily a function of guilt, or self-preservation so that they won't feel guilty later? After all, if they can be so lucky as to have someone else accept that blame, they can absolve themselves of it. I know all the while W was carrying on her affair, she may have felt "guilty" about it, but she certainly didn't do anything to dissuade me from thinking the ILYBINILWY was ALL my fault(if anything she would remind me of all of my foibles) ... Yes, it's a rhetorical question, I know... but, at least in my sitch, there appeared to be an overt attempt to shed/fight off any pangs of guilt...
New: What a Weekend
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...preferably I will find a way to communicate that he needs to stop. Perhaps if we make it into counseling or even as a stipulation.
IMO, you're better off coming up with a stipulated plan that works for you outside of counseling so that you can, as Puppy and Coach like to say, OWN it... It's easy for me to say now, because I made that mistake; I don't think you can rely upon a "negotiated" communication plan worked on with a counselor. At this point, and it's much easier said than done, figure out some ground rules for this now and set it as a boundary.
New: What a Weekend
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there appeared to be an overt attempt to shed/fight off any pangs of guilt...
Well, I wish all the cheaters luck with that...they'll need it.
The cheating aside, as my IC likes to say, there will be a right side and a wrong side of history. Sooner or later others, and one's children, will figure it out and that's when the cheater is f*cked.
Last edited by AlexEN; 07/08/0904:55 AM.
New: What a Weekend
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The only thing I can do is stop giving a sh*t what he says.
It helps just thinking about the mind games (per your last post about your W). My H left once before, blamed it all on me, promised there was no one else...then it came out that there was someone else who he had met prior to leaving (so he left to cheat basically). He tried "but we were separated" and eventually came the mea culpas and the apologies and the "what was I thinking?" and the "I was such an a**hole" and blah blah blah. And now, here we are 6 years later. Mind you our R was hellish in many ways but the behavior that has emerged this time is exactly the same as last time (and me, the brain surgeon falls for it AGAIN).
I don't know why I am listening to any of this sh*t. I suppose I want to gain some insight about myself but by now, he should have little to do with that. He isn't teaching me anything constructive. And, the one thing I want to change most about myself is my reactivity so here's the ultimate opportunity. Maybe I couldn't do it within the M because it was too challenging but I could possibly grow exponentially by doing it now.
LOL... I was just wondering the same thing... It's already tomorrow here and I gotta get me some sleep...
Hey, if you have a chance, check out How Can I Get Through to You, by Terrence Real...
In it he talks about:
• Listening “Relationally” - moving past right and wrong toward repair • Negotiating: learning to stand firm and mean it • Developing “Relational Integrity” – making a commitment to stay moderate and smart even when your partner behaves like a jerk.
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