I am glad you are seeing a C'ing tomorrow. It really can be a very freeing experience.
My H recently told me (as in told me last week) that he was so filled with guilt for the way he handled things, the way he left me, his failure to communicate what he was plotting for months and months and his affair that he simply had to lash out at me every chance he got. And he did this for over a year. Then I just cut him out of my life because I was tired of being his verbal punching bag because he could not own his own issues.
He also tried to talk to me about his new R (well, not so new as it has been going on for 1.5 yrs although he claims it is not serious but I dont believe him) but I wont listen to a word about it. He did manage to sneak in how guilty he felt when the R started and I nipped that conversation in the bud. But, starting an R while you are still married and loaded w/guilt, well, OW must be a real gem.
My H has given me the line that he has tried to "work with me" on a settlement for over a year. I finally had to explain to him when you bomb drop, have an affair, walk away and behave how you have for the past year you have bypassed any opportunity to "work with me". We are no longer a team and that was clearly established when you walked away and engaged with another woman while still married to me, while still LIVING with me. Of course he didnt like that one bit but who cares.
He can moan and cry about money and unhappiness and how things arent his fault and how I should have read his hints until he keels over. I *will* do legally what I have to do for me to be sure I have what I need for the present and the future. I will do so in a civil fashion but I wont bend and I certainly wont "team up" with somebody that chose to leave and have an affair.
My H and I are civil and when he tries to get more friendly I just end the e-mail. He actually said he is mad because he doesnt get the respones he wants from me and I dont tell him everything like I used to. Again, walk away, have affair = no team.
You need to do what you need to do for you and your kids. Being friendly is great, especially because you do have children with this man, but it seems you have some expectations that he will change. IMO a WAS that has been away for 6 months or a year or two that has done ZERO to change or even attempt to heal the situation in some way has no intentions to. Its my opinion, some may feel differently.
I might considering requesting a meeting with him and keeping it very professional and business like. Make a debt plan that would show several scenarios (A) working together (B) separating (C) divorce or whatever other options you have available to you. Let him know that you need some stability and direction and give him some time to think it over. If he is unwilling to participate in *something* then take matters in your own hands so you and your kids can have the life you deserve.
Sorry if this is harsh but my H jerked me around with money for over a year despite a temp. agreement we had in place and blew through close to 20K of our savings acct. in one summer on partying, golf, vacations, shopping, the casino and his GF. We lived for 13 yrs debt free other than a car note and now we are in debt. So, a solution must be made and I will find the solution most comfortable for me. It sounds cruel but its how these things go when WAS think there wont be consequences (financial, emotional, long term damage to any sort of R).
Now, I did not get to this point overnight but eventually you will reach your point of utter saturation and when you do, you will take action even if its really hard to do. Eventually though enough is enough.
Too bad if he thinks you are controlling. I find it awfully controlling on his part that he can call you when he is bored enough or available for a bit and think you will drop everything to run out and be with him. I find it awfully controlling that he still thinks he can have sex with you when he is around then leave, go to his other life and continue to do so. But you can control that as well.
Not responding in an emotional way is *very* tough. But he expects you to respond that way so dont do it around him - it will change the dynamic. The person that cares least about the R controls it and all WAS know that.
Today, my housekeeper came (yes she still comes occasionally, he would blow the money some other way if she didn't though I am prepared to live without it soon).
Anyway, this lovely woman took it on herself to take most of H's clothes and shoes and move them out of my closet or tucked away so that I don't have to see his things every time I go in there. Also, my things are nice and organized and neat and it felt so good I cried. Not because I'm that into my clothes but because it was a tiny step toward me having my own space and my own life. Bittersweet but good.
Good to take in CG's post b/c it largely applies. Your h, blaming you and trying to suck in your dad so your h can drown him too (in addition to you and the kids) is scary.
He has not grown or improved A/K. He hasn't! Don't go down the drain with him, save yourself and the kids while you still can AND DON'T settle for less alimony than you are worth. And remember that IF he does make more money down the road, the kids are entitled to increased child support. So don't worry that you are jumping off the gravy train right before he makes real money. ON the contrary, if he were to make real money and get some more security, I have no doubt he'd divorce you for someone else. I am sorry to say that but I cannot imagine someone with his ego feeling CLOSER to you when he feels all puffed up. He calls you now when he needs his spirits lifted. If he didn't need that, he'd be calling OW all the time. I know that hurts and I could be wrong. I really could be. But for some reason, I feel pretty sure about someone I don't really know. Just mho.
Hope the meeting with the c goes well and we are all rooting for you to be happy. Soon, and at peace.
Good luck j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25- the thing with my dad really got to me and I let H know that tonight, my dad has his own reputation and is a stand up guy, really. He has done the right thing by NOT enabling us and giving us money he knows would be pissed away on BS. Perhaps not the right thing to do to get into it but it sure illuminated why I wanted out of this marriage before and how we differ philosophically. It was also more about what other people think and it makes me sick.
This was an argument that we had throughout the years. That if we lived within our means and had a budget and then needed help, I would ask for it. Otherwise, our finances are our responsibility.
Also today, he wanted to come by. I told him only after a certain time (so we would not be here). He guilted and acted like I was keeping him from his kids. I told him we were busy and getting out of the house would be too hard with him stopping by in the middle. I explained that if he wants more time he can schedule it. Hard stuff but I stuck to my guns...yes, separating is hard...duh.
Maybe the interaction helps me remember what his faults were. I have been in such a fog, feeling so responsible, so guilty because of course there were things I did or didn't do that I regret...but, it actually helps to have a rehash of an old spat to refresh my memory.
Hang in there. Sounds like you are doing the right thing.
I have been following your thread. You deserve better.
Thank you. I am so into personal responsibility and self-examination that it is hard for me to get into I "deserve better"...
Somehow I imagine people are saying the same thing to him. I hope that I am not villainizing him to assuage my only feelings of culpability...you know? I want to learn and grow from this and head out on a different path, not fall into some victim mode. I think that is part of why I have been so gun-shy, I don't want to take action while in the muck but maybe taking action will get me out of the muck and then I can make sense of it.
I'm not suggesting you rush into anything. You will know when you are ready for that.
Own up to your half of the reason for the situation (we are all half the reason), but there is another half out there that is NOT your fault.
I see you taking a lot (too much?) of the blame for this. I also sense you are having a hard time being nice to yourself (b/c of that?). It's easy to become the victim - and I would not blame you for it in your situation. That said, being teh victim doesn't hold anything good for you.
You can rise above this. It won't be easy, but you can do it. Just go easy on yourself.
I think you are doing much better than you think you are doing... My guess is a lot of us see it that way; it's hard not to be hard on yourself when the WAS is taking on no responsibility at all. I wrote letters to my kids from the future quite some time ago and shared them with my brother and sister. Independently, they each said to me: "Why are you carrying all of the guilt?". And it occurred to me that there is guilt to be felt because our failures to each other meant we had failed our kids (@Smiley said something similar one time, only much better) BUT W carried NO guilt; as a result, I think I carried that much more although from the outside looking in, as in your situation, any objective third party would say if anything, I/you should bear at MOST 50% of the blame given the trangressions of our WAS. So, I like what @GIMA is saying, own up to your half of the situation, but don't accept even that much of the blame. And I'm starting to see in your H what I finally just realized about W... They each have NO clue and can't see beyond their own shadows...
It will become much easier on you as you shed some of the blame you feel; realize it ISN'T you... I also think that will start to pave the path to detachment...
-A
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Thanks. I also see that it is malarky when we have shown that we can get along, we are still sexually attracted and we have these beautiful kids. It is possible.
I do however relate to his feeling of this being broken and unfixable and wanting to throw it all away and start over. I have had those feelings. I just don't have the bun buttering he has or the buffers. I know what we are in for and in particular, our little ones.
I do want to add that asserting that the WAS has no guilt or has no clue is a big dose of mind-reading. Much of their crazy behavior can be attributed to the guilt they are feeling. I am not saying that we know one way or the other, just saying that just because they spout out blame and vitriol doesn't mean they don't know somewhere that they are f*cked.
