Hello all-your posts hit the nail on the head with what I am going thru. We were best of friends and he told me he loved me and "wanted to hold me forever"-this was right after he started seeing the OW. They were not intimate but I don't think that matters. She broke up with him-to work on her own marriage (poetic justice) and he was hurt by rejection. That was when he said to not make any rash decisions. That was 2 months ago. I told him to leave the house in April when I found out about the OW. Was that the right thing to do? I have no idea. What does it mean that he tells me he stills loves me? And that if the shoe was on the other foot that he probably couldn't forgive me? He never has taken all of his stuff out of the house and has to come by every couple of days to work-self employed. He has asked me to dinner a few times and we sat here an laughed for two hours Sunday lloking at the net. CONFUSED? That is an understatement. He is unhappy with what he has accomplished in life, is trying to start a new business since the old one not doing so hot, bought a new car, and plays golf and joined a baseball team. I feel bad because he won't try to get help to make himself feel better. He just thinks he needs to be by himself. I wish I had words of wisdom but some days I feel like I am sinking in quicksand. I just want whoever reads this to know that there are others right along with them. To me, that brings some measure of comfort.
There is also one thing H said in his complaining time and that was"why dont you give more compliment" Well I do but that is not enough for him. The therapist was suprised to hear why he needid so much compliment. Where he worked where he met OW I think he was treatid lika a king, well I think he thought he was king and when he came home from work, I probally did not show him enough respect. I must have forgot to lay on my knees.
There is a big help reading the post from you all and I try to read everything I find.
I agree with Mach1. One of my H's big complaints that I'm just now getting out of him is pretty much the same thing. He needed to feel respect from me. And for him that would come in the way of affection. Here's something I think you may have a hard time with because I did: Yes, my husband screwed up when he started the EA. HOWEVER I screwed up too. I had done things that got us to a point where he wanted and sought affection and attention and respect somewhere else. Basically, it was my DB coach who broke it down for me and it sounds like it will apply to you.....my H was crap at home and he was the king at work. Soooooo.....guess where H would have rather been....not at home with me, where he was feeling crappy, he wanted to be at work, where he was treated like royalty. Guess who he wanted to talk to? OW because she made him feel good and needed and not me because I made him feel like crap.
You need to find out what it is she does for him and you need to slowly start doing it too. BUT only if it's something you are willing to do for the rest of your life.
Meaning, if your husband really needed you to bow on your knees when he came home and you really can't do that for the rest of your life, then don't. But if your husband needs you to kiss him hello and sincerely ask how his day was, you could that, right?
Remember, you might not like what he's saying....doesn't mean it's not valid. Also remember you may have screwed up here too and if that's the case, figure it out and correct it.
If MLC is about resolving something in childhood or a skipped life transitional period, could this not just be an excuse? Or the way they "set you up to be" during the withdrawal stage? Could you not have been the perfect wife, but at some point, the ugly "crisis" child would have reared up it's head to assert itself no matter how strong the M?
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Hi again and thanks for your posts. Its helpful. I have been so tired last days. Well on saturday I had a graduate party for our D21 here at home and invited our both families and few friends. I ofcourse invited my H and was very polite to him. We had a great day. I think he didnt feel well here because this was strange, he was guest in his own home. When my mother saw him she havent since Januray, she just put her arms around him and cried, and he was not letting her go they just stood there together for awhile hugging. He only felt love from my family. He was the first to leave the party, he didnt look good, its like he is not in his body, I was looking at some pictures I took. I thanked him for the day and kissed him goodby and hold his arm. I felt good I did a great job holding this party for our families and our D was happy. But I miss him terribly. Guess what happened to him on Sunday? Someone broke in to the house where he live and stole both his computers, and a flatscreen tv. Thats a big loss for him because he have everything in these computers. Bad things have happened to him lately, also someone broke into his car two months ago and stole from it. My D19 said to me "mom karma" bad things happen when you act like he does. I feel it is good to read and write when you are in this situation. I am sorry my english is not perfect and sometimes this computers stuff is complicated for me but thanks all of you who writes to me. Disa
