Soon to be separated

[GoBison]

Wow it hasn't even been one full day and I want to call my wife and try to talk her into working on our M. Spent half, ok most of the day trying to research separation in marriage and how often it works and what works etc. The rest of the time ressearching on how to talk my W into going to Retrauville. Trying for two weeks with NC but am having trouble making it through day 1. I am even trying to make up excuses on why I should call her. Tell her that I hope that she does not think that I was mad when I left last night so abruptly or anything else that would be an excuse. Unbelievable what a someone can do to your own sanity. Or should I say unbelievable that I let someone else control my own sanity like this.

[1853dave]

Hi DB,

First off, I am no expert on DBing. My education has been coming from the forum, the DB and DR books, and seeing what does / does not work. If anyone has better advice, please jump in!

You are in the beginning of a separation that you do not want. I've been there, under different circumstances. Many of us have. First off, as Michelle says, "Don't Panic!" Easy to say, but you have to let things cool off a bit. I know it sucks, we've all been through that too... Please do not call her... See if you can make it through the weekend without calling her. She needs some space. That's a hard message to receive, as it implies that YOU are the problem and YOU need to keep away...but I am thinking this has some to do with you, and A LOT to do with her.
You are in a good position in a couple of ways. She has not contacted a Lawyer, or filed for D. So far, so good. That shows that maybe, maybe she's not 100% sure about D. If she WAS 100% sure, what would she be doing??? Filing today! She didn't, so that's good. So, do YOURSELF a favor and give her space - do NOT push her in that direction.
I've been doing this for 8 months, under different circumstances, and I still have occasional trouble giving her space. I'm thinking I'm giving her all the space in the world, and she probably sees it differently.
Also, about pursuing her. Calling her, testing, pleading, sending flowers, cards, etc... Very nice gestures, indeed, when you're dating. However, right now, she does not want that. So, don't do that either. No more than you'd send her a frog in a box, or your cut off ear. She wouldn't want that either.
So, instead, give her what she wants - some peace and quiet, some no-pressure time to herself...
There are no guarantees, but remember this - it's not over now, it's not over yet, and this is likely to take a while to straighten out. So, don't panic, take a breath, find a friend or friends to hang out with if you can. This weekend, hop in the car and go to that one place you always wanted to check out but never did, take that hike you've been meaning to take, go to the bookstore or library and look for relationship books... First off you HAVE to read DivorceBisuting, and The Divorce Remedy. I read them in that order; you might want to dive right into the Divorce Remedy to learn what to do RIGHT NOW.
If you can afford it, contact one of the DB coaches through this website. I see one locally, and while financially it is hard for me at this time to afford it, I feel it is money WELL spent.
So, for starters, do not push her away this weekend, so do NOT contact her - just let be be alone for a while.
My situation looked TOTALLY hopeless for a while, but then got better. I'm still sep right now, but at least we get alone great now (thanks to DBing and changing behaviors) and I concentrate on myself and my kids as much as possible. I'm facing a few hurdles soon, but I keep Michelle's advice in mind always - Don't Panic!

Also, last note - look at posts written by "SANDI2" - her advice is GOLD!!!

Take care; all is NOT lost. This is just now, and better days will be ahead.

[GoBison]

Thanks for the reply Dave. I have been giving her space. I did text her today though as it is our 6th Anniversary. No reply back from her but what else can be expected. I do not plan to call her the rest of the week and as much as next week as possible. She will have to come over next week or at least talk to me as I have tickets to a concert that I bought for her for her bday a couple of months ago that she plans to still go to with whom I don't know. I have the book DB and have read it. And I have talked to a DB coach a month ago when I saw that she first started acting strange.

I gave her space the whole time she was at home she just seemed to get worse and worse. I read almost everything that Sandi2 writes on here. Just about the only one that I really follow. sg as well and some of PDT.

Here is what I wrote her in the text today. Felt that I should at least acknowledge our anniversary even though she doesn't want to:

"just wanted to say hi & hope ur apt is in place. I am sure u decorated it real nice. Happy Anniversary"

[1853dave]

Well, keep on doing what Sandi and PDT and SG suggest - I consider them the experts...

Things will take time. Take some time for yourself, too. Good job on the weekend. I think I would have made at least some primitive contact on my anniversary day as well, rather than letting it go unnoticed. At least you didn't call her 12 times or something - so good job on that.

Take care, things will get better. It's hard to see that right now, I know.

Mentally prepare for next week. Remember, don't do things that will appear unattractive to her. Advice to me was "treat her like you would a treat good friend at work" - that does seem to work ok for me.

Hang in there!

[GoBison]

Well another day with no contact with W. I have not heard from her since I finished moving her stuff last Wednesday. I did send her a short text on Sunday as it was our anniversary. It is weird that I feel more relaxed at home though knowing that she will not be home and I can actually me myself instead of the usual making sure every little thing that I did was perfect and would not upset her. I do miss my wife but it is rather relaxing. Didn't sleep all that well as I woke up in the middle of the night looking to see if she was there. Should be used to that by now as we havent slept in the same bed for over a month.

[GoBison]

Well no contact for yet another day with my wife. Went on FB this morning to see if she was actually alive yet or anything. The only thing that has changed on her page is that last night she deleted her relationship status from FB. So she is no longer married. Awesome. I don't want to be divorced yet my W is out there living like she is a single person and it is killing me.

[1853dave]

Hi GB.

Remember Michelle's advice - DON'T PANIC. She's going through a thing right now, and it'll take time, regardless of which way it goes. Don't react to anything, and don't snoop... Give her space.

Yes this is killing you. Everyone on the board has been killed many times over - I know I have, and I still get killed again at times. You are amongst friend here. It isn't fair, it isn't right, but it is what it is. But, it is also quite possible, in many cases likely, that it won't stay like it is.

Oh, the reason I say 'don't snoop' is to give yourself a break. It is easy to read a lot into things, especially for the worst, when in reality "things are not always as they appear..." It'll just drive you nuts anyway. So, don't push her away, just continue to be cool... It's hard, very hard, but you can do it. You really have no other choice. So, go do something for yourself. You probably won;t be able to clear your mind of the situation, but you can engage yourself in something, I bet, which might help you, even if just a little bit.

Take care...your situation will not always be this way.

[GoBison]

Thanks for checking in Dave. I just got done reading your whole sitch. Well most of it anyhow it was pretty long. It seems that things are going in the right direction for you. It looks like it is a time for a decision on your W's part right now. I really hope that if you end up moving back home that it is not too fast and things don't go backwards.

On my side I know that I was to back off on what she is doing. She may be even testing me on whether or not I notice she removed her status. Trying to test the waters as to whether I am checking up on her or not. Or it could be that she wants to just feel like she is single. There is OM. I don't know and probably never will know.

The problem that I have right now is that there is absolutely no contact with her. We do not have kids so there is no reason for either of us to contact each other on that front. I would not leave the home so she is in her apartment. While it is probably best right now for no contact as she will hopefully stop blaming me for everything in her life. I do want to at least have some form of communication with her. It won't be today or even this week I realize but I am not sure how to rebuild the R or commmunication with her when we don't even talk. It has been one week since she moved out and I sent her a text on Sunday saying Happy Anniversary. Other than that nothing.

Well one day at a time and see where things go from here.

[jon2911]

While it is probably best right now for no contact as she will hopefully stop blaming me for everything in her life.

GB,
This is exactly what every WAW needs to realize, and the only way she can is time and space. But she will. And what will she find when she contacts you? What goals are you setting?

Hang in there buddy!


Jon