Hi 25, I know you are exasperated but trust me, if you knew me IRL, you would see that I have changed and I am growing. Unfortunately, it can take time to really build up the strength to change the dynamic and follow through.
Just last night S9 was talking about wishing H would come home. It is difficult and I want to do the right thing.
That said, I woke up this morning feeling so clearly that there really is no hope for a sane life with H.
I think what we are devising is hopefully some kind of sane separation...
As for the sex, I did withhold sex in the M. Our sex life sucked and I was also very controlling and neurotic and stressed out. Of course he was provocative but I'd be shortchanging myself if I didn't acknowledge my shortcomings.
The sexual issue is/was HUGE for him. He felt totally rejected and unloveable and that is why he throws it in my face now that he is "wanted". That doesn't by any means make it healthy for me to endure. But, I do understand and I find it sad.
I'm sure his "in" with me is who he has been in the past and his expressions and exhibitions of concern just when I'm about to totally give up on him.
He is not the mastermind that I convince myself he is. Rather, he is a big insecure baby who knows that my achilles heel is my desire to have my family together (thus, the invitation to have lunch today) and since I said we might not be around, he mentioned coming by the house. This is going to be a huge drama because I really don't want him coming here.
I need to run for now because I want to leave. But please don't disappear. I want to have this conversation with you.
I'll be around AK, but have family coming tonight so may only check in briefly.
Also, don't get sucked into how all this is your fault. You withheld sex...okay, own that. It sucks but then somehow I feel as if two other things may be possible. He may not have been terribly lovable at that time, so guess what? You didn't feel loving...and 2nd even if you were a cold fish, okay, you are no longer that. NEXT..."a problem being worked on, is a problem solved". So you can say that you "get it" and won't do that in your NEXT R, but you cannot tolerate this crap right now anyhow. I mean do you need to take this BS for what, a decade? 15 years? How long does he get to use that "blame assignment", without any responsibility on his end and while ignoring that you are different now? Your approach is not working. And it's not healthy for anyone. End of story.
Sorry. That's not to say there won't be other "chapters" possible later BUT your desire to "have a family together" cannot be at the expense of having a healthy R with yourself, or a man, or your kids, and how can you have any of those if you tolerate this insanity? Besides, your family is not together anyway....and you cannot have this craziness - as you are really starting to recognize. YOU ARE GETTING IT and I can see that. SO - in a way it IS simple, but not easy.
((( j- )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Oh good. Now get out of that house! It's a pretty day and tomorrow will suck if the police are right about the MJ memorial turning crazy later on....wacky.
(And sad.)
ANYHOW never mind that. You need to go BE FUN! j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I had a nice day in just about the nicest part of town today.
Back to earlier. H wanted to have lunch with us and I said we probably had plans. H said he needed to come by to get some things.
Despite the fact that I really wanted to just stay home and chill, gathered up the kids and booked it out of here.
H called again to see if we could meet for lunch. Was surprised that we were out, he was "convinced we'd be home" (wtf??). I Made the mistake of letting him know what area we were going to as I wanted him to know we'd be far. Wow, H told me by coincidence he would be in that area later, maybe we could meet up. I said no, that we had plans. He said "I don't know why I'm pushing it." Tried one more time and then said "fine I guess I'll just see them on Wednesday!"
Then he texted an apology for having an attitude. Left a message about having come by the house and someone he knows says hi. Then texted later to see if kids wanted to talk to him...which I did not answer until much too late.
Now, this was all a huge challenge for me. Left the house on a dime. Didn't accept lunch invitation. Didn't accept dinner invitation. Didn't respond to texts or message.
Why is it sooooo hard????
25- I thought a lot today about what the heck I am doing. I am a smart woman, why am I dragging this out?
a) obviously there is much more to H than the nincompoop he is being now AND, there are still moments that are thoughtful, touching, reminiscent of better times (yes in the midst of mostly juvenile absurdity)...point being, you know I wouldn't be wrestling with this if I didn't have some awareness of what H is capable of. Not saying that is valid or working, just explaining. And, I love him...don't barf.
b) as of now, he gives me LOTS of information regarding work, money coming in, deals he is making (some of which will be oversees and I would have no way of knowing of without his disclosure). While we are friendly, I not only get this info but I also will benefit if the deals happen prior to D or big falling out. I know this sounds crass and it just occurred to me today when he mentioned something about an upcoming deal.
c) In my heart of hearts, I think I need counseling to deal with the repercussions of shutting off H. Despite the fact that he is the WAS, he is so erratic and completely oblivious to the reality of what is coming with a legitimate separation (which I am trying to enforce) and I do have fear regarding how he will respond when the sh*t hits the fan. I am way too reactive emotionally to his perception and/or characterization of what is happening. I am also very concerned about my kids' emotional well being and them not being used in any way here. All I can say is that I am trying to get assistance and I doubt very much that we should proceed with anything legally until we have someone helping to deal with the emotional issues as clearly neither of us are emotionally detached. If H is actually a clinical narcissist, then, from what I've read, I will need to get the upper hand and work his behavior to my advantage or he will run me over and charm the pants off of everyone else while he's doing it (lawyers, judges etc)...I have seen him put on the oh so together and conscientious dad routine when we dealt with a third party and I almost vomited (was like a different person).
Anyway, today required a lot of strength and I think most days will for a long time to come.
Oh, and as for what I want from you all here. Like everyone else, I want support, I want a place to vent and sort it out and live my ups and downs out of the purview of those who are so close to me. And, I want advice that I can chew on and digest and even if I don't totally get it or implement it, it goes in and I ponder it over time. I have actually gone back more than a couple of times to your posts from months ago and they hit me very differently today than they did back then.
Change can be slow and it is hard to witness, I know. But, I am the only one living my circumstance and facing my future alone. I can't possibly give you a full enough picture to expect you to walk me through this step by step but I sure do appreciate all of the wise words and passionate input I receive here.
You're "dragging this out" because you love him and are honoring your commitment to the M. Period.
Many of our WASs accuse us of "holding them back" or telling us to "let them go". What they are instead saying is "hey, I need your approval to show that you approve of me treating you like sh*t so this stupid conscience of mine stops bothering me."
Like I told my W when she got angry at me last week, I told her that she was getting everything she wanted yet was still getting mad. I told her if she was so unhappy, to just leave. And I really didn't care one way or the other.
Plus I think you're showing your kids a great example of doing the right thing.
I think it's a crock when people say they are divorcing and they are doing it for the kids so they don't see them unhappy. And how they would do anything for their kids.
What a pile of sh*t. If they really cared for their kids, they wouldn't be sleeping around with someone else. If they really cared for their kids, they would stop complaining about how THEY are unhappy and get some frickin' help to work the M out. And if they REALLY cared for their kids, they would stop treating the LBS like crap everytime they saw them.
Your H is doing the same. He's teaching your kids that it's okay to treat mommy like dirt because after all, daddy was unhappy.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I think the issue on the table right now is whether it is healthy for anyone for me to be treated "like dirt" and what I'm going to do about it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
