thanks. I went from wanting to drive away forever to wanting to file for D to wanting to get H to go into counseling with me to wanting to insist that he get counseling for himself or I wont speak with him to showing up at the ridiculously fantastically surreal place he's staying, hanging out (other people there that I met for the first time), having a bite, being personable and leaving on a positive note...I really feel nuts but it felt better to just go with the flow. I looked good, my energy was good...don't know how I did it.
I don't want to judge but I also don't want to condone.
I say this in a gentle fashion but IMO you make yourself far to available at the last minute with your H. It seems when he has a spare moment that is when he wants to make plans and because you mostly agree, you enable this and allow him to continue to think you will be there when he feels so inclined to see you.
I would text back (and this is JMO) and let him know that he is welcome to come get the kids for lunch but you have plans so you will just have to take a rain check on the lunch. I might even say... "hey H, I may have a few available days next week for lunch so let me know your schedule, I will let you know mine and we can see what day would be good for both of us".
This serves several purposes (A) you are allowing him to see his kids (B) you are not dropping everything to be with him and meet his last minute requests for plans as they suit his schedule (C) you are requesting some consideration for your schedule (D) you are making yourself less available as your time is of no less value than his and (E) you are letting him know that getting together for lunch is cool but your schedule is busy too so some advance planning is the route you would prefer.
CG- Thanks. He had the kids all weekend so I'm not sending them with him. He'll get them on Wednesday and I wont be invited to hang out. I think I would like to just be too busy but my kids just want to hang at home today (which they usually want to do after exhausting weekend with him) so, since they tell him everything, I can't really pull of how busy we are...
I know I'll get chided for making assumptions but H has serious mommy issues, I dare say he hates her deep down but he can't get rid of her so that leaves me to work it out on. Just disgusting.
What is it with the WAHs and their MOMMY ISSUES?!
I could have written that paragraph.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
You wacky girl you. All I can say is you are SO not on the right thread if you are seriously thinking your h's problem with you or your m, is a sexual one. Unless you are the worst liar here, It is not. It is HIM...all him...and the way he gets away with mistreating you (which is you).
Since all you control is you, why not focus on that? You search and search for the answer to your riddle of why he treats you this badly. In his case, as in many narcissists and even many ordinary people, it is b/c they CAN. And when you lower your standards there are many who will sink to meet them.
I suggest you read a book (or 5 or 6), on "Boundaries" (one has that exact name and though it begins with some religious quotes that may make you uncomfortable, it does cover some good techniques). Set some and Then enforce them. It's not easy but it's also not complicated.
I can't think of a single consequence your h has suffered for more than what, 2-3 days? And what is this stuff about you getting "Scared" when he threatens to be an [censored]. Honey, what is HE BEING NOW??...come on.
I guess I have to ask you, what is it that you will have to see or hear from him to let him go? What will it take? Does he need to hit you? More than once - if he is really sorry for the first time? Does he have to confess to cheating on you AGAIN and without any remorse?
Does he have to promise that he WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO? Hasn't that more or less already happened? Hasn't he pretty much has given himself permission to sleep around by virtue of telling you, and by leaving the home. B/C he comes and goes as he pleases, and b/c you allow this, still, He has truly freed himself without the hassle of obliging you to behave the same way. After all, there are the children for YOU to consider...
In HIS mind, he has the ultimate; a wife and kids at home who understand his special and unusual needs...to be with other "people" and not abide by ordinary rules or constraints or responsibilities that other plebes follow. NOT YOUR H!! He's far too gifted and different and really, genius when you contemplate Him in all his glory.... And you, A/K, seem to agree with him and to this. But for the life of me, I don't get why.
I am not a shrink and have no inside info. But when I post, well...I pointed out sometime ago, the obvious. That what you are doing is not working, which you know. I have told you what I did that succeeded in my case and what I've seen here on these boards. From that info, I can tell you that I see your behavior as being kind of a "head in the sand -I can take this crap and more" and It has never worked. And it is hell on you and your well being.
I'd like to help you and I know we're not far geographically speaking. But I don't know what type of support you really need. I'm tempted to give you 2 x 4's b/c I don't see the progress at all.
I see withering self esteem & childhood issues and I recall your background & fears that paralyze you only to bring about the very thing you most fear; a divorced family.
As for OW, Does it matter that much to you if she's only a fling, one of more to come, or if she's the great love of his life? How much will you let him do before you say "enough!"?? You really need to KNOW that at least SOMETHING(S) definitely would get you off the fence. For instance, I KNOW A punch in the face would end my M and honestly there were times I wished for that type of clarity. But I never (knowingly ) dealt with a wandering spouse, let alone one who would "share" that info with me...thank God.
Jesus, what kind of disrespect is that? IS he that pathetic and self centered that your needs and feelings are soooo far behind his, that he'll tell YOU - of all people - about his exploits or whether they worked out or felt good or who else he met and blah blah blah blah BLEH!
Or is he just cruel? Or all of the above?
What about Moving his "office" somewhere else ASAP? ((please...PLEASE....office?? Come on, tell him to use his cell phone and a notepad...come on)). MAKE A PLAN TO GET HIM OUT OF YOUR FACE AND GET SOME SPACE....see how it feels to HIM to be separated b/c honey he is NOT...he has the cake and he's eating it too and I see no end to this situation. Honestly- if there is going to be an end to this it won't be you ending it. It'll be him meeting enough of an OW or being sure enough of the single life that he's ready to fully cut all ties and you will have wasted so much time "with"//without" Him, and not moving on and probably ruining the slim chance you have of turning this around. You think by letting him do this stuff and facing no consequences, and seeing you just take it and take it, that he'll wake up and say "OMG, I am not being kind to my w! WTH is wrong with me??? I will change my ways and go home now!!" Do you think that is likely? I don't think it is at all likely. If it were, it would have happened by now. He has had his chance to realize, apologize and return to do the right thing. That time has passed imho. Sorry.
But I think if there's a chance of waking him up (there may be as he is not indifferent, but his immaturity is so extreme, seriously--that I can't tell if he is the type of guy who doesn't have to love his W to want her to wait and wait in case he comes home. It could be that he likes having you there, even if he isn't that crazy about you. I can't tell....BUT as I was saying, if he loves you somewhere in there and his insatiable ego can be handled BY HIM, than maybe there's a chance you can enable him to wake up but it would ONLY be by doing something VERY DIFFERENT than what you have been doing, including actions for more than a week. PLEASE...make a month your minimum for testing results. Since when are you in a hurry? You have put with this crap for how long now?
Okay, end of speech. Tell me how I can help you b/c I'm not clear on that. It IS frustrating b/c you don't seem clear and when you sort of are, you come up with reasons why you cannot set a boundary AND then you cower and cave in again.
Set boundaries. If they're reasonable, you won't have a "reason" to doubt yourself and cave in. IT will all be about whether you can be strong enough to enforce one. No more explanations about why his behavior is somehow not the behavior of a cad - who should be taken behind the woodshed and have things "splained" to him...
