My therapist gave a copy to my W while she was still going to therapy with me. My W got through a couple chapters before throwing the book up against the wall. I guess she didn't like reading about herself. Anyways I read a couple chapters already, it has some good stuff in it.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
AAk, I can understand the spin that H puts you in....it can and will drive you insane! I don't have that much hope for a new M these days....so I get that feeling as well. Remember, the reality has not changed much. Its the same. I do agree that it makes things more difficult and complicated to have kids in the pic. Of course you love them to death....but how to take care of you in the midst of your kids and husband constantly being there.
When I started this process, I was envious of all of you with kids. At least you have a connection and you are not alone all the time. I knew it was messed up when I was thinking it, but its the truth. I still wish I had kids, but I am being given so many challenges right now, that I just am trying to hold on. I think its the "grass is greener" thing and you want to have another place to psychologically place the burden.....even if for just a second. I think you are doing amazing. I don't even have my H around anywhere near me and I am still having days where I really just struggle.
I think this is the most difficult part for most of us. And I don't think there is anything you can say to him about the M or your R that will make any difference. I have just stopped talking to my H about the R - at all. Of course he's 6 states North of me- so it makes it easier! But, if he starts to talk...just listen. NO Talking. Listen. Validate. Listen.
Don't tell him it was hard for you. Tell him nothing. If he says that you are showing that you don't care (my H has said that), I'd stay calm...don't react....and say, "I do care for you." If he says you are being selfish or this is proof that you don't care, say "Yes, I can see how it seem that way". Don't try to make it better. Don't try to make it better.
He has done this....let him deal. Someone on this board once told me to say or text or email half the words he does. It works!
You've got the idea though. Take care of you...look hot! feel sexy! Be evasive and mysterious! GAL! in short, BE YOU! and ENJOY IT!
I have the weirdest of situations. I have kids. They are not my STBXH's. He left telling them he didn't want to be responsible or a dad. He hasn't contacted them since he left. Hard to understand someone walking out on three children who everyone and I do mean everyone talks so highly of. They have no respect for him anymore. This in a way makes it easier for me. They no longer want him to be a part of their lives because of his choices. They believe he is a hypocrite, liar, and a cheat. I do not believe that there is anything he could possibly do to regain their trust and him not contacting them just further cements that in their minds. He has truly lost something he said he has wanted his entire life, a family.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
So, just saw a text on my phone from 4:30am saying we should talk today about plans for the kids.
So he texts to say lets talk basically a few hours from then.
I know it sounds paranoid but I know he does that to provoke me, show me that he is out partying til the wee hours...
And me, just becoming more aware that he wants to get to me and give up on the why. I have to see it as giving me some advantage regardless of how juvenile it is.
Guys, help me understand. Assuming he doesn't have an actual personality disorder, what's the deal with trying to "show me" how fab he is and how great he is without me?
Guys, help me understand. Assuming he doesn't have an actual personality disorder, what's the deal with trying to "show me" how fab he is and how great he is without me?
OK, first, you are making a conclusion as to his motivation for texting you. Again, this is still under the heading of wondering "why." If you are wrong, then he called to set up a time to talk about the kids.
Second, assuming you are correct, IMHO, it could mean he still feels some pull towards you. Again, that assumes you are correct. Even if you are correct, it doesn't mean he will come back.
Point is, put the focus where it belongs - on YOU, not on him or his motivation in doing X or Y.
Guys, help me understand. Assuming he doesn't have an actual personality disorder, what's the deal with trying to "show me" how fab he is and how great he is without me?
Do any of you relate to that?
I'm still gonna go about having a great day!!
Maybe he has some insecurities (feeling inadequate and unlovable) and he is overcompensating for them by behaving this way?
Happy 4th aliveandkicking...hope you have a really good day!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
