nc.. I didn't even SEE your post about the mediation... What a vile person she has become.
Its unfortunate that there isn't more Fathers out there like you that are willing to take their sons/daughters more often and be more of a constant in their lives. And it is also unfortunate that the courts can be biased.. i hope that you get a decent judge that sees things your way.
Any way you slice this its sad. But What I always like to believe is "what comes around goes around"... she will be judged one day my friend, trust me.
You are a father that your boys will be proud of.
(((((((hugs)))))
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
And it is also unfortunate that the courts can be biased.. i hope that you get a decent judge that sees things your way.
What I think they should do, I don't think they do though, is look at prior history before separation/divorce. If the parents spent 50/50 with the kids then it should stay about that. In my case it was 90/10 the past 15 years so I think it should stay about that maybe 80/20 or something. Big changes in that I think are most likely due to financial or revenge using the kids as a pawn or some motive like that not love/interest of the kids.... Karen
I got a response from xW, and she seems to be backing off of asking for an early exchange of the kids on Friday. She was thinking I did not have the whole day off -- and in all fairness until early yesterday did I know that for sure myself that I had the 3rd off.
Now that we know I do, she is backing off. She just wanted to claim first right of refusal, or so she says.
Karen going through mediation this week has me reflecting again on my own mediation session a week ago. I feel that I was able to express my viewpoint effectively to the mediator, but because xW could not be rational, in the end, and decide for peace between us, and since we are thus still headed to litigation, I don't feel the mediation really had much use in our case. Sadly.
There was the briefest of moments where I thought xW might have been rethinking things... but then it faded away, like a puff of smoke.
On the other hand if xW could really be reasoned with then we might never have needed to D and she might never have filed a lawsuit seeking full custody in the first place.
But it is what it is.
For myself, at the time, I was really weighing whether it might be better if I just gave up and did as xW was demanding, which is to simply walk away from my obligations to S8 and S4. Certainly it presented the prospect of an easier path for me, to no longer have to put up with all the aggravation of dealing with xW on a semi-regular basis. All I would be liable for then would be to just slave away at work and tighten my budget to the bone to be able to afford the outrageous child support payment that would have been levied on me, but I could garner the relative peace in knowing I was no longer responsible nor have to answer to xW for anything but my wallet. I would be effectively buying part of my freedom back from her while subjugating myself to the whims of the court. At least the later party (the courts) acts out of impersonal bureaucratic mindlessness with far less of the heavy emotional (and added) cost imposed by a selfish and treacherous co-parent -- that would definitely be a plus.
But that is not why I became a father, not to have an "easy" relatively care-free life. No, I love my sons and I cannot lay aside my obligation to them, no matter how great the amount of pain and gray-hair their mother brings me. I cannot, in good conscience, abandon them. Much as one might try to rationalize the possibility of more peace and less strife in my S's life as a result of not having to be witness to the continuing conflicts between their parents, that strife is not the lessor of the possible evils. Nor would the evil of parental conflict be guaranteed to go away just because I made the sacrifice of Solomon's Test, to let the other party have their selfish way. Being left to xW alone, abandoned by their father , would be far worse. As such, I could never do that to them.
I had a friend mention to me that tomorrow, the 3rd, would have been my wedding anniversary. While I was touched and impressed she remembered, I have not said much to anyone about this occasion this year. I guess I have purposely tried to push it to the back of my mind. So my response to my friend was of the sort, "Yes, it it would have been our 18th. But now July 3rd is just another day -- it no longer has any special meaning to us."
Seriously, I just want all of this behind me and I don't ever want to think about xW ever again, if at all possible. But I know that I am just not going to get off the hook that easy.
NC, so sorry about today. ((((((NC))))) Hope you have a good weekend. I know things will get better. The more you nc your wife, the better you'll feel. And hopefully after the D she'll feel less guilty, and be a little more reasonable. Karen
The D is done (as of April 3), and xW has been acting increasingly less reasonably since then (filed the custody suit), and I am struggling to get any thoughts of her out of my mind. It means that I have to refrain from thinking about the past, especially on days like yesterday (anniversary date), and thinking about what I (we) were doing once upon a time.
Fortunately/unfortunately, it is beginning to all seem like some vague dream I had. And were it not for the frequent pangs on my heart that connect these memories to reality, they would stay just like unbelievable fantasies and random thoughts in the back of my mind.
(It's sorta' like Rascal Flatts' song "Help Me Remember".)
...
Well, my time off yesterday with my little boys was very good. We went to the pool, swam and had a barbeque cookout, hamburgers and hotdogs. (Although we got bombarded by flies -- that wasn't so great.)
xW picked them up late in the afternoon, so now I am without my kids. That sucks.
Oh, well, I think I'll take it easy today. Do some writing, sit by the pool, soak up some rays (maybe).
I cannot sleep for concern over what my xW is doing to my two small impressionable S's tonight. Right this minute she has them over at the OM's place camping out in a tent, in his back yard.
While I am no longer concerning myself with what she does on her own time, it infuriates me that she would continue to expose my S's to this sack of dung she thinks so much of. This is entirely unfair and harmful to my S's -- one should never expose one's children to a love interest except when things are serious and there is intent to marry. xW still refuses to acknowledge there's anything serious between them, and claims she intends to never marry again. If true, then why confuse and complicate the lives of our children with this cr*p.
And since this dirtbag is also an accomplice to destroying their family, there's even less reason for them to ever have any dealings with him.
I know xW thinks she's being clever, getting to spend time with her "boyfriend" overnight while not technically under the same "roof" as our S's, for legal reasons. I would not put it past her to sneak off to OM's house after the boys are asleep.
I also know there's really very little I can do about this from a legal standpoint. It seems the law turns a blind eye to these things, even if immoral.
To add insult to injury, because OM is an hour's drive away from here, she's going to fail to take our S's to church tomorrow. And I'm sure she's going to rationalize that the OM's presence is more "healthy" to our S's than a commitment to one's faith.
Should I write her a letter to state my view and to let her know that I disprove of her doing this, even though we both know there is little I can do legally? Or should I just continue to bite my tongue and suck it up? I am torturing myself -- what is the best course of action for the best interests of my kids?
NCB, I don't think there is a thing you can do about it. I had the same issues with my X and his gf (who started off as the ow). They now live together, and there are even times when he has visitation, the kids are with her and not with him. They are not married but live together and share the same bed.
It sucks. The law is not about morality, but legality. So, unless the bf does something that could be considered illegal / puts your kids in danger, there are no consequences. You can't control who she is with or what she does with the boys while they are in her care. All you can do is do is focus on being the parent you think they deserve while they are with you. I'm sorry that there isn't anything more...
A letter from you will do nothing except make matters worse. WAS's usually don't even consider consequences from outside sources like therapists, since they have already justified their actions to such an extent. Anything you try to direct through her will only fall on deaf/hostile ears.
