I need a lot of support in managing the effects of my behavior.
When you were single once upon a time, did you need help "managing the effects" of your behavior. The more you look at him to see how he responds to your behavior, the less detached you are. Instead, do what you want to do for yourself, to make you feel better about the person you want to be, and don't consider what he does (at least for now). He's in la-la land anyway, so you might not get any meaningful info from looking at him anyway. Detach from his drama. He's not your problem.
Ah, but the secret weapon, using the kids and related issues to provoke...as Mr. Unmentionable knows they are the key to my heart.
To be continued...off to a fabulous and fun place with the kids.
Fabulous, fun day out with the kids. Still, my mind is no where near in present time or space. Tomorrow I get to spill the mother load here if I have the energy.
Controlling your emotions?? Me too. I am with you today...this s**t sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AK...at the risk of being too forward...maybe we could connect IRL...I think we are close in proximity. It is better to have people IRL sometimes. Let me know your thoughts on this.
too forward? No, not unless you're coming on to me.
let's think about how we could connect.
I'm so pmsing right now so I am just going to do nothing regarding h.
iPod typos sorry.
Ha ha...well I guess this was the wrong term. So sorry, but coming on to you would only complicate my life that much more!!!! Lol!
I don't know...I was just thinking that if we are in the same city, perhaps it might be a good thing to connect when the kids are with the significant other. I know for me this is the hardest. The back and forth...the "daddy's house this...and the daddy's house that". Or "we saw so and so when we were with Daddy"...etc. It is always nice to be busy and have fun and would be at these times! Not to mention being with people who "get it". I guess I could start an IRL support group of my own!!!!! Anyway...updated on your long thread! You are doing well...it is so hard...and I am not trying to hijack...but maybe my recent attitude will rub off...(maybe less intensely though, I am pretty heated right now...)
So, my H is being a jerk...and I am detaching easily for some reason right now. I am so irritated with him actually. The lies and the bullsh*t. It is like stacking up...and I am sick of it. I don't even know where to start sometimes, trying to peel back the layers of WHY this happened and how I can fix it. Screw that. (can you tell I am cynical and angry right now??) I just found out there are more lies...financial stuff. H was NOT a good H for awhile...and while I DO recognize my issues in the R and my part...I will not be treated like this anymore. So this may change (like in an hour!!!) and it may not be a very good DB attitude, but right now I am considering it over....because until H changes the way he treats me...it IS over. Talk about a boundary. I wouldn't think that my kids deserved to be treated this way in a R...and as for making it (the R) work for them...so they aren't hurting, I am doing that being separated...keeping things more than amicable, especially in their presence...and it is hard, but it is the only way them being "resilient" will shine thru. So...IF and WHEN H gets his head out of the sand and realizes that this is all the biggest mistake of his life, I will be in good practice of keeping things pleasant and working on the R in a positive way, and maybe...MAYBE he will be worthy of me again. I mean this.
Anyway...on a tangent, sorry. It is just that there are worse things than a R ending. Being treated like a piece of sh*t. That is worse. And I will be damned if I let my girls see me take it. I will be stronger for them and show them the right things to expect.
H caused this. H gave up. H walked......HIS LOSS, unequivocally.
Somehow the notion that we can control these sitches by DBing fosters a rather unhealthy mindf*cking paralysis of objectivity.
We, on here are at the edge of the frickin' cliff. We are not the people the book was written for per se, we are the last resorters, the ones who she has to remind that it may not work out etc.
Anyway, my moratorium on posting about the un-mentionable one is almost up.
I would love to connect in person. Just need to figure out how. No private messaging on here.
I don't even know where to start sometimes, trying to peel back the layers of WHY this happened and how I can fix it.
"Why" questions are dead-ends. "How" questions -- those can get you somewhere. How can I adjust to this? How can I assure WAS that..? How can I help my children cope?
Why? That's above our paygrade -- my paygrade, anyway. Why? Because they're so frustrating, as you're both noticing.
We, on here are at the edge of the frickin' cliff. We are not the people the book was written for per se, we are the last resorters, the ones who she has to remind that it may not work out etc.
Good morning aliveandkicking.
We are exactly the people the book was written for! It covers a broad range of situations...but it definately includes us!
You're right about us being on the edge though, and many of us are down to 'last resorts', and things might not work out for many of us. But...we are better people as a result of DB'n, and we are better parents, and we are better partners too!
Our kids see and feel the difference...and that matters a bunch to us! You rock! I know it's a mutha...and your situation is different from others...and only you know the specifics...but, persistence and determination alone are omnipotent! You keep at it, because you are definately better now. We all have times where we are more discouraged than at other times.
Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent! Add to that the valuable knowledge and support you get from being here, and you're gonna do excellent...it takes time for all of us...but all of us are gonna be OK!
I'm gonna have some good thoughts for ya' today.
ps - My kiddos and I are at the Great Wolf Lodge in Grapevine, Texas and we have been having a blast. This place is really great. When we go back home tomorrow, we will have been here for 3 nights...solid entertainment!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Yes Antlers, I knew I phrased that awkwardly. My point was that whereas in many sitches, the aim and focus is rightfully on the spouse to really pay attention to what works and actively try to get them to come around, it seems the aim and focus for most of us is ourselves and survival and accepting the loss of the M (at least to some degree).
I think that I just think my sitch is different but it is just a distinct environment. In reality, I'm sure we are all going through the same feelings.
How do I exorcise this feeling that something has/is being taken from me and my children?
I can amp myself up, get the PMA, focus on other things. But, at the end of the day, I feel really screwed over.
But, at the end of the day, I feel really screwed over.
I heard this quote here and from my IC: "It s*cks to be you." You have to see your situation for what it is and deal with it. My mantra became, "I can handle it."
Make a list for what you are grateful for, keeps things in perpsective and in a positive light.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
So, H has pretty much admitted that he is relishing in getting attention from another woman/women and showing me that he has his mojo (paraphrasing).
He has been provocative and I think I finally understand that he is pulling a big neener neener neener. IYKWIM.
I will get to the boundaries I set later (gotta run soon).
But, what Hs behavior tells me is that a) he still cares about what I think and staying engaged with me and there is some remote possibility of healing IF he gets this out of his system and sees that I respect him and understand his value (so that's a big if)...AND b) hurting me is not only acceptable but necessary (he has to show me and that tends to hurt) and using the kids to do it is not beyond him (and I don't mean him hurting the kids, I mean, for example that the reality that having my kids away from me this much hurts me is a-ok or that they are being immersed in a world that I loathe etc).
So, on to my Emotional strategy And my Financial/logistical/marital status strategy...
