Steady, thanks a lot for the info. I was very confused about detaching but have a better understanding now. This is really good stuff. I have to save this info to re-read at a later date. Thanks.
Me-47 WAW-42 D-16 S-14 M-22 yrs T-19 yrs ILYBNILWY-3 years ago. Full Story and original posts: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...066#Post1781066
Very good post. Detachment #1 - what I've been calling the "Spiers Doctrine" -- the only way to function in combat is to assume you're already dead.
And you're right -- detachment doesn't mean you don't care about WAS. It means you don't care to let the outcome of the situation with WAS define your life. It means that Frodo Lives. No matter what. With her or without her; with him or without him.
What I know now -- what I really KNOW -- is that there's Someone Else out there for me. No matter what. She may be WAW -- new and improved. She may not be.
But the End of the Marriage, if it comes to that, is not -- is not -- IS NOT the End of Me.
I only got there by detaching. Detaching saved my life. Because it saved my sense of Me.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
@Coach should put this in his Quotes Hall of Fame.
You are so right about Pseudo-Detaching...
I understood it way back when; knew I had to do it; thought I was there in December; and realize that I'm still not all the way there now, but I AM close...
But, it IS the KEY to what we are all trying to UNLOCK.
This should be required reading for newbies, because there will often be false starts and recognizing that that happens may keep some from having a false sense of security when things apparently "go north".
Don't fall for it; it isn't easy to achieve. If you THINK you've detached, you probably haven't. If you have detached, you will KNOW it.
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
It's LFH again. I'm having a terrible time with this detachment thing. Today, I took a terrible backslide in my PMA and detachment. AlexEN is correct...if you think you've detached...you probably haven't.
To me, it seems detachment would be simple if one were to start dating. By focusing attention on someone else, I bet detachment would come sooner and easier. I'm not talking about anything inappropriate (ie jumping into the sack or falling in love), but spending time with a female whom I could share my daily experiences. This may be too dangerous and it could backfire. By loving my W as much as I do, I don't see myself ever completely detaching, unless she does something very inappropriate (like an affair). Maybe I need to pray more and have more faith in God. Oh boy, do I sound pathetic today!
What are your thoughts? -LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
It's LFH again. I'm having a terrible time with this detachment thing. Today, I took a terrible backslide in my PMA and detachment. AlexEN is correct...if you think you've detached...you probably haven't.
To me, it seems detachment would be simple if one were to start dating. By focusing attention on someone else, I bet detachment would come sooner and easier. I'm not talking about anything inappropriate (ie jumping into the sack or falling in love), but spending time with a female whom I could share my daily experiences. This may be too dangerous and it could backfire. By loving my W as much as I do, I don't see myself ever completely detaching, unless she does something very inappropriate (like an affair). Maybe I need to pray more and have more faith in God. Oh boy, do I sound pathetic today!
What are your thoughts? -LFH
LFH,
The idea about spending time with other females to help you detach is not a good idea. Don't do it. I know how you feel about your W, I feel the same way. Stick to your guns and work on yourself, go GAL- do stuff with your (male) buddies and if you have kids, spend as much time with them as you can doing fun stuff. Lots of prayers and continued faith in God is definitely a good thing.
Hang in there!
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.
I hesitate indeed to issue blanket injunctions concerning other women. For my part, the companionship of women has been invaluable. Yes, I absolutely see the dangers if you're simply redirecting your affection or desire for WAW to OW.
However I've never been troubled by the idea of Female Friends -- in fact, I find the notion that one "can't" have a Female Friend if one is "spoken for" to be rather repellent.
For me, as a sounding board, as a source of validation of my Manly Assurance (TM), as a perspective on the divorce process (especially from Divorced Female Friends), the experience has been a ticket to Emotional Autonomy, via Detachment, Dropping the Rope, and Getting a Life.
Nothing wrong with female company if it's a part of social interaction. The problem comes if you are using those interactions to somehow distract or deflect you from dealing with improving yourself. Most times for men it is just for a quick fix for an internal issue that needs to be addressed. So use caution.
It can set you up with a fake sense of detachment.
Last edited by steady; 07/02/0912:31 PM.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
