Some of the guys and I -- @AlexEN, @Coach, @Thinker -- have been thinking about / planning for a line of greeting cards for people in our situations -- "awkward moments" greeting cards (recall the convos we had up and down the threads, we fellas, about what to do re: Mother's Day).
I have another project in mind, though I don't have the technical wherewithal or the chops to do it.
A 7-minute video. Uploaded to all the "how to get a great divorce" and "what to do if you're thinking about divorce" and "easy divorce 1-2-3" and assorted other bullsh*t websites.
Children. Ages 3 to 17. (18s are adults). Simple lighting. Simple backdrop. Close shot, full face. Interviewer (off-screen): Is there something you want people to know about what's it like when your parents get divorced?
And let it ride.
It could be called, "Out of the mouths of babes." Distribute it through church groups, counseling centers, state family clinics, etc. etc., for free or for a small donation to some worthy charity of (our) (the producer's) choosing -- battered women's shelters, Al-Anon, whatever.
As they say in those Guiness commercials, "BRILLIANT!"
Funny you should suggest that Alex. About a year ago, NoCodeBlue, one of the posters on this site, gave a few marriage self-help books as a wedding present to a young couple. He was later ridiculed by his W and MIL and it was generally agreed upon by her family that this was a gross transgression. Very sad. It seems good intentions are always punished.
Don't even talk to me about pro-divorce counselors. I thought our few visits to a MC were about recovery but they were nothing but an exit interview.
Marriage books as a wedding gift are a good idea. "Men are from Mars..." and "Passionate Marriage" by Schnarch come to mind.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
O Dog, I just gave Marriage Fitness to my cousin for his wedding. They promised to read it together.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Funny you should suggest that Alex. About a year ago, NoCodeBlue, one of the posters on this site, gave a few marriage self-help books as a wedding present to a young couple. He was later ridiculed by his W and MIL and it was generally agreed upon by her family that this was a gross transgression. Very sad. It seems good intentions are always punished.
That's why I do it anonymously -- with a note saying -- As in love as you are today, these are not books to read now, but as your marriage grows. Love evolves. These are books I wish I'd read during the first few years of my marriage as they would have made the following years even better. So, put these aside and read a chapter from each each time you argue... Here's to hoping they take a long time to read...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Hey SP, Just read through your thread and learned a lot about your sitch...I'm sorry it's such a tough situation. I came to this site when my second marriage started falling apart - have an S2 with STBX and an S12 from my first marriage.
My first D was amicable - civil - and mutual - and yet it still tore into me for many years. I had many heartbreaking moments and often worried that I would somehow have less of a connection with my son than if I had stayed with his mother (despite knowing, as she did, that we just were not right for one another). Slowly I started to see just how much of an opportunity I had been given to become a better father - a better man - and I embraced it as best I could - that started ten years ago...cut to a couple weeks ago, and my S12's mom hands me a copy of my thesis from college - inside is a short essay my S12 had to write in school last year - the topic - the person I admire most in my life...
I read the first line, "The person I admire most in my life is my father" - and my eyes watered more than they are right now...My S12's words reminded me that, despite all the pain and the confusion he might have gone through as a child - because I did the work, because I decided not to allow myself to become like my father (who was verbally and physically abusive) - I had managed to be a positive force in his life...while I might have accomplished that had I stayed with his mother, the fact is that I got there on my own...and that's precious to me - and it's also something I keep in mind when dealing with my STBX - and how different this demise is from my first marriage.
I've gotten into the habit of looking at these darkest moments of our lives for the seed of opportunity they might offer us...this time around...it seems like everything fell apart so that I might finally find myself and no longer try to expiate the shortcoming of my own father...and the (failed/unrealistic) expectations I was born into...
You're doing an amazing job with your children and for yourself.
A cautionary tale should not focus on the effects on the children. Once a spouse has crossed the line in their mind to leave, their focus changes. "It will be tough, but the kids will be fine." No amount of statistics or heart wrenching video will change that. After all, it's biased and their reality. It's common knowledge that kids would rather have their parents together than apart... period.
It should be marketed to adult partners who pull inward emotionally, distance themselves, give in, take things for granted, act out. The most effective way to get folks to listen to quitting smoking is not listing all the bad things that will happen to them in the future, but how it impacts their present. Smokers will not have the energy to play with their children. They will not have the endurance. They won't be able to be the parents they want to be. Physical prowess is diminished puff by puff.
Goodness, in retrospect I wish I'd had the wherewithal to continue working on my marriage, even as he brushed me aside. We both tried in ways that were ineffective. We both gave up in different ways, opting for the passive route of it being more about the children, accepting separate roles and divisions.
We were required to go to marriage classes before the wedding, its emphasis on building better communication skills. All I remember is thinking the couple with us would never make it. Like teenagers, people in love feel like its immortal.
The sad thing is that marriages break because of the actions of two people. And they break, not because of the kids or affairs but because primary issues are not faced, dealt with. The continuing commitment and hard work is shirked.
So, we're in this quandry by our own making. We start hurting our children the minute our marriages are taken for granted, second fiddle. Where we no longer respect or show respect to the one we pledged our troth.
Tough stuff.
If you're lucky you find a place like this, with the focus on the positive, what you CAN do to improve yourself as a person rather than wallow in growing anger, bitterness and self entitlement. And guess what.. all the maturing that stopped in the jungle of self defensiveness, codependence, turning away starts again.. helping you grow, become the person you're meant to be.
As long as we blame our spouses for the loss of the marriage, we're trapped.
I was very clear about my role right up to the day I moved out. And it showed. We were getting closer. But I have no idea what the role is during separation. What is "to try" when sep'd?
I've got it that DB is about making a better me no matter what happens. I've changed a lot of things in myself, got more active, got a life, and W noticed it and mentioned it on several occasions. In fact before I moved out she even said "You've changed so much and we could call this off. But I'm afraid things would go back to the way they were."
But how or when do we work on the R when it's already been declared dead? When we don't make small talk anymore. When we've been told not to pursue. Not to ask questions. When we're supposed to work on our own life.
I show my "friendiness" when she's around. And I know I'm being watched as Coach says.
But what am I missing? How do we open it back up again to begin the work?
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
But I have no idea what the role is during separation. What is "to try" when sep'd?
Originally Posted By: orangedog
But how or when do we work on the R when it's already been declared dead? When we don't make small talk anymore. When we've been told not to pursue. Not to ask questions. When we're supposed to work on our own life.
Originally Posted By: orangedog
But what am I missing? How do we open it back up again to begin the work?
Sorry to be chiming in with no answer, just to say this is exactly what I struggle with now with a WAW who feels it all withered, doesn't want to work on it ("just leave me alone") and no arguing, no animosity, no nothing except a weary "fait accompli" attitude on her part (I think; I'm mind-reading, here).
Anyway, fwiw, my questions exactly...
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
