I have another project in mind, though I don't have the technical wherewithal or the chops to do it.
A 7-minute video. Uploaded to all the "how to get a great divorce" and "what to do if you're thinking about divorce" and "easy divorce 1-2-3" and assorted other bullsh*t websites.
Children. Ages 3 to 17. (18s are adults). Simple lighting. Simple backdrop. Close shot, full face. Interviewer (off-screen): Is there something you want people to know about what's it like when your parents get divorced?
And let it ride.
It could be called, "Out of the mouths of babes." Distribute it through church groups, counseling centers, state family clinics, etc. etc., for free or for a small donation to some worthy charity of (our) (the producer's) choosing -- battered women's shelters, Al-Anon, whatever.
This is a great idea... Like showing drunk drivers what really happens...
When I read your post above, I thought: "If only the WAS really knew what the children thought..."
I don't know that subjecting kids to having to express their thoughts on camera wouldn't be too hard to watch, but having a parent tell the story as a VO with pictures of the kids in question might be nearly as powerful... The emotion in the parent's voice recounting the child's words would speak volumes.
To your list of causes, how 'bout the psychological professionals who will have to work with those very children over the course of time?
The best thing about something like this is that it could be part of a larger "preventative medicine" program... DAMs like me might never have gotten where we are had we had "we only known"...
Because once we've reached the stage many of us are at, it is, unfortunately, still the longest of long shots... But, if we had seen a tape like the one you describe, read Chapman, read Gottman, etc., we may have been able to avoid the mistakes we made (which is not the same as taking the blame, but acknowledging our role in getting to this Place).
Preventative medicine early on in one's marriage (on another thread I told how I now give a package of those books anonymously at weddings for just that reason) or at the FIRST signs of trouble might keep thousands from ever having to come here...
And even if the numbers are far less than that, if just a few children can be prevented from ever having to endure this type of suffering, it would be a worthwhile program.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Saturday night S cried, "I need hugs from Mommy now!" at bedtime.
Last night, after I put them to bed upon their return, D6 asked me to stay with the door closed. She hid under the blanket and told me she can't cry, she can't cry, she can't cry. Why?
Because it will be even more sadder if I do. My heart is in the dumps. It isn't even red or pink anymore, it's grey. Why can't you and Mommy ever stop arguing? Why can't you be married? That's how it's supposed to be for kids, don't you get that?
As DH pulls out of the driveway every night, S3 gets out of bed to watch him leave and then D17 and I fight for the next hour to get him back to bed.
When I asked D6 of she minded, she told me "No, mommy. S3 and I miss Daddy and we hug each other to go back to sleep."
These stories absolutely kill me...
It's hard enough to watch how my 20-month-old clings to Daddy like he'll disappear if she lets go. My heart broke yesterday. Usually she's a mommy's girl, but when Daddy is around she won't let go.
I wonder if he gets an ego boost out of it or if he gets it. Someday he'll get it.
He rushes her off to bed before he goes home, so that he doesn't have to see her watching from the window.
It doesn't have to be this hard.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
SMV,
What a site... Seems like it is trying to help children cope with a D that has already happened... If, per above, parents Only Knew enough before the pain was triggered, maybe it would be triggered less often...
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
maybe family counselors should send parents to sites like that when they first walk in the office talking about divorce. It might make them think of the potential impact. But then again, the WAS is so fond of saying how THEIR kids will handle it better, so would it really matter? I am sure that is how all the parents of those kids justified it to themselves.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
As others have pointed out, not all counselors are pro-marriage, although I understand more are becoming, so that might be a tough nut to crack. Many are "neutral" and don't want to be seen as taking sides, too; in many instances, that could polarize a couple from the beginning. And, as you point out, it may already be too late at that point...
How about we all send out an anonymous "care package" with the 2 or 3 books we most wish we'd read to a handful of young couples? May not prevent any of them from that "first walk", but if it prevents just one couple from taking that Walk, something good can come from our pain and one less child might ever have to bear the even greater pain they would otherwise endure...
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
I know what you mean about the books Alex. i have attended three weddings in the past two weeks. All three couples received copies of For Couples Only--a set of books to help them understand how the opposite sex thinks and reacts to situations. Two have already read them and have thanked me for giving them, as they feel it will give them a head start on a great marriage.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
There are lots of books and websites that will help explain to anyone, WAS or LBS or extended family, whomever, exactly what devasation is caused by divorce to children.
And there are lots of books and websites that will help them move through this process, as best as can be expected.
Smiley - you are on mark in thinking of doing such a thing, but it has been done. Its just that no one knows about them until they need them. No one knows to look at them BEFORE things get to critical points. You yourself didn't look into how to prevent a divorce before the critical point either, correct?
This is why I still advocate that marriage classes should be required in college, and it should include this type of material, showing people that if they do choose to get married, have children, and then get divorced, here's what the sad faces of your kids will look like in the future. Want to avoid this? Learn what makes marriages last BEFORE you choose your mate.
Sorry you are going through all this crap, SP. I hope you have family and friends surrounding you and if you don't, please call them up. Ask your mom or sister to come have a slumber party for a week or two. You need support.
Ok. SMW. Those postcards. Crawling. Under. Rock. Now. Must. Fish.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Just brutally painful stuff. I don't even know what to say except that in my case, the tears and the talk have subsided a lot...the confusion and turmoil, I'm not sure when and if this will ever make sense to the kiddos.
