Thanks for the good words, everyone. At the moment. The moment. I need to eat something.
Had to borrow the mini-fridge in the garage to Herself, as she bought a new fridge w/o bothering to measure the space. "Well, we're on our own now."
Her text was sad. So I asked her if she wanted to take the kids to supper, which she jumped at. I've been using the time to get somewhat more situated. Putting the clothes back in the dresser.
Which means I had to confront the t-shirt drawer. With all the stupid t-shirts from the stupid places we stupidly went when we were stupidly a loving couple. New Orleans, Tahiti, the Police concert, Alexandria, Cambodia, on and on and on. Good thing we have a clothes-for-the-needy bin across the street.
I'll have to take the comforter to the dry cleaner. Washed the outer on Super, twice, it smells of Billy Mays now, may he rest in peace. But the comforter itself still WAWly.
Who'da thought. At the end of it all, it comes down to smell.
Redo the bed.. new comforter (duvet? down comforter?), pillows, mattress pad, sheets.. anything bed. Give your nose, your heart.. relief.
The twinges come in many forms.. those tee-shirts, knick knacks, etc. Get it out of your day-to-day life.
Although this goes contrary to your personality.. consider dropping the 'rescuing'.. "her text sounded sad so I asked her if she wanted to take the kids to supper"..
She's the one who has to learn to ask, to evolve. It's not your job (nor was it ever) to do her thinking for her. Letting her wobble on her own two feet, fall and stand up is all part of the process for her.. AND you.
It's easier to focus on someone else rather than yourself. Mojoloscity is a tremendous vehicle.. but it's time to focus on you.. healing, being healthy, getting on track.
Only after the divorce did I realize how insidious pursuing was. Let go... only then can she find her way.. one way or the other. Letting go helps you find your way forward. It's not giving up hope or belief.. it's allowing the next step.. a new relationship in one way, shape or form.
Five years out of the marital bed? Out of the marital room and its dresser? Something broke.. on both sides. Learn.. just learn about you. You can't 'fix' her... you can heal you.
Children model after their parents in good times and in bad. It's not about being perfect.. it's being human. I learned so much from my husband's departure.. that in some areas I hadn't matured at all. Oops.
Is it soldiering on? Is it surviving? Uhhhhhh.... maybe...
I like to think it's learning how to live... a devastating shock that allows tremendous growth.
Although this goes contrary to your personality.. consider dropping the 'rescuing'.. "her text sounded sad so I asked her if she wanted to take the kids to supper". She's the one who has to learn to ask, to evolve. It's not your job.
You're right, you're right, I know you're right. I felt bad for the kids, though, too -- it was as much for them as for her. Maybe more (he said, knowing he'd like to believe that). Saturday night S cried, "I need hugs from Mommy now!" at bedtime.
Last night, after I put them to bed upon their return, D6 asked me to stay with the door closed. She hid under the blanket and told me she can't cry, she can't cry, she can't cry. Why?
Because it will be even more sadder if I do. My heart is in the dumps. It isn't even red or pink anymore, it's grey. Why can't you and Mommy ever stop arguing? Why can't you be married? That's how it's supposed to be for kids, don't you get that?
Tried to comfort her, to let her know it's okay to be sad, that Daddy's sad, that even Mommy is sad, too. And we don't argue; things happen in the lives of adults that don't make sense to kids, and it's okay they don't make sense. [Whoever would have thought that more-or-less amicable D could be worse for kids than the alternative???] What matters most is that she has two parents who love her very much -- they don't have to be married to each other to love her. And there's nothing wrong with crying. Told her she can always come to me, and that if she doesn't want to do that she can whisper her secrets and her sadness to her "Scooter" (a little stuffed animal she's attached to).
But she wasn't buying it. Just lay there, little hands balled up into fists pushing against her eyes, trying to keep the tears in.
Breathe. Blink. Step. Breathe. Blink. Step. And somehow find enough of the Mojo, the Right Stuff, the Life Essence to think, clearly, coldly, vigorously, systematically, about The Book; the Article; the 4-month Overdue Report; the deltas on next week's trip; doing the household budget and bills for the first time in...in ever; getting out on the road for my charity marathon [FYI, never let a concerned and well-meaning friend convince you that a great GAL activity would be running your first marathon, particularly when the kind of Scotch whisky that comes packed in its own little wooden box is involved.]; and Being Present for She Who Cannot Cry and He Who Needs Mommy's Hugs.
I'm impressed.. you agree agree agree with me! Now why not embrace it?
This part sucks beyond words.. the pain it causes your children. You can't talk for their mommy, you shouldn't rescue her from her actions in their eyes. You can listen, you can be their rock. Sometimes it's time to silently sit beside them in their sorrow, other times distraction might work.. If your daughter can't cry, then have a bottle of bubbles and ask her if she can show you how she feels by blowing them.
Some kids (my daughter and yours truly) communicate better when occupied with something else... drawing, playing with baby ratties, blowing bubbles.
Stop rescuing mommy. Stop doing her thinking for her.
Work on you. The mask is unnecessary.. you're incredible without it. Get healthy... look in the mirror and be good to that guy looking back. You're worth it.
[quote] Saturday night S cried, "I need hugs from Mommy now!" at bedtime.
Last night, after I put them to bed upon their return, D6 asked me to stay with the door closed. She hid under the blanket and told me she can't cry, she can't cry, she can't cry. Why?
Because it will be even more sadder if I do. My heart is in the dumps. It isn't even red or pink anymore, it's grey. Why can't you and Mommy ever stop arguing? Why can't you be married? That's how it's supposed to be for kids, don't you get that?
But she wasn't buying it. Just lay there, little hands balled up into fists pushing against her eyes, trying to keep the tears in.
Smiley--
This all broke my heart an I am crying for you little girl who cannot cry for herself. The worst of it is the person you should be able to share it with is the last person who wants to hear it BECAUSE THEY ARE AT THE ROOT OF IT.
As DH pulls out of the driveway every night, S3 gets out of bed to watch him leave and then D17 and I fight for the next hour to get him back to bed. Even after we do, he often times ends up sleeping in with D6. Finally, last night, I decided "screw it, I am done protecting DH's feelings." When he asked (as he does EVERY night) what time the kids had to go to bed, I reiterated bedtime, and then told him that it really did not matter, as S3 was going to (see above) the minute he was gone. DH's solution was a bribe of an extra bedtime story. Well, S3 stayed in bed when DH left, but by 2am was in with his sister again. When I asked D6 of she minded, she told me "No, mommy. S3 and I miss Daddy and we hug each other to go back to sleep."
I so get the hurt and anger. I want to punch something--preferably DH--scream, rage at how unfair it is for my kids to be hurt so deeply by their own father. But, I bite my tongue, hug them, and let them know that I am always here for them, that they are special and loved. My reward?? D6's class did a special gift for the parents at the end of the year. It is a silhouette of our child with things that the child told their teacher about themselves. the last line on D6's says "I am special because my mommy says I am." Keep letting them know they are special.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Some of the guys and I -- @AlexEN, @Coach, @Thinker -- have been thinking about / planning for a line of greeting cards for people in our situations -- "awkward moments" greeting cards (recall the convos we had up and down the threads, we fellas, about what to do re: Mother's Day).
I have another project in mind, though I don't have the technical wherewithal or the chops to do it.
A 7-minute video. Uploaded to all the "how to get a great divorce" and "what to do if you're thinking about divorce" and "easy divorce 1-2-3" and assorted other bullsh*t websites.
Children. Ages 3 to 17. (18s are adults). Simple lighting. Simple backdrop. Close shot, full face. Interviewer (off-screen): Is there something you want people to know about what's it like when your parents get divorced?
And let it ride.
It could be called, "Out of the mouths of babes." Distribute it through church groups, counseling centers, state family clinics, etc. etc., for free or for a small donation to some worthy charity of (our) (the producer's) choosing -- battered women's shelters, Al-Anon, whatever.
