WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Sandi

I think in the past she had tried to and I would be supportive and caring and attentive until the last couple of years. That's when I see that I had felt that I neglected her by treating how she felt as an annoyance or inconvience. There I see how she felt neglected as she was bit feeling well fairly frequently as that's what happens with her when she is stressed

I would still help her but would do it reluctantly or would look annoyed. I would bring her things (ie tea or medicine) but wouldn't spend the time to just hold her like I used to.

I know that was horrible of what I did but I'm trying to be truthful I myself as I reflect on what I did

[confusedinpa]

It was a crappy start to the morning. She text me to say her stomach wasvstill hurting but had stopped vomiting. I called to see how she was doing. She sounded crappy as she just woke up. I asked if there was anything that I could do to help. She said her mom was coming over to visit with the boys as she hadn't seen them in a while. I tried not to sound disappointed as I wanted to spend another day with then but I know she sensed it

When she came over, she looked bad. I gave her a hug to comfort her which she leaned in for. We chatted about how she felt as the kids played. She said she was hungry since she didn't eat anything yesterday. She said she lost 4 lbs since Friday. I asked if she wanted to go to a breakfast place that we both liked. She said ok but when she asked the boys, the 7 year old said he didn't want to go. I tried to ask him but he still said no.

It was a real bummer as my 3 year old was excited about going

So I told her that I guess they should get going then as I knew she was hungry

I gave the boys hugs and kisses in her car and told them I would talk to them tonite and see them soon

As they drove away , my boys yelled I love you out the window. I tried to keep an upbeat smile on my face as my wife waves bye as well

Then I went to church. It's going to be a busy day today as I hadn't had time to run errands since I had the boys so much

It was a dissappointing start but I will make this a goods day

[sandi2]

Does the 7 year old usually make the final decisions for the family?

[confusedinpa]

Does the 7 year old usually make the final decisions for the family?

Not on "my watch" but she generally differs to him when I wasn't around, even before she filed for divorce. In the past I would have just told him that we were going but since it's her day with the kids I let her decide how to handle it. I didn't want to make her feel like I forced her/them to go

This is part of who she is, she doesn't really press for what she wants, except for leaving and divorcing

A really crappy time for her to choose to stand her ground

[confusedinpa]

It was a good of a day as it could have been for me in my situation.

After church, I did some shopping to replenish consumables (i.e. cereal, tissues, soap, etc.). Then I changed the oil on my truck and mowed the grass. After I also did some laundry.

At 2PM, she sent me a text with a picture of my 3 year old playing dress up as Bob the Builder I had gotten done with the yard work so I sent her a reply (about 25 minutes later) thanking her for the picture and asking her how she felt.

She replied back about 2 hours later that she was tired, but her stomach was feeling better so she thinks she can finally eat a normal meal for dinner. Then she asked how I was and what I did today.

I replied back with a very positive and upbeat message of how it was a beautiful day today and I hoped that she was able to enjoy it and at that moment I was thinking about what to do for dinner.

She told me that she didn't feel good enough to be outside with the boys (I thought big bummer for the boys to be cooped up in an apartment on a day like today) but had the windows open since it was so breezy out. She told me my 7 year old was playing on the computer and my 3 year old was working on building the fire truck project. Then she said that they were thinking about getting pizza for dinner

I got a little annoyed with that as last weekend, my 3 year old asked her if he could bring it home so he could build it with me. She had said yes although several weeks ago, when he had asked, she said no. I thought she was easing up a bit, but now I feel that she never was going to let him bring it home. It's pretty much true to form, that she never lets them bring anything back.

It was ironic as this morning when she picked them up, the boys asked if they could take a couple of things with them. I told them of course so they did.

Anyway, I replied back saying it was too bad she didn't feel up to getting ouside as it was really nice out as I was reading a newspaper out on the patio and relaxing with a beer. I then said that pizza sounded like a good idea for me as well as it always goes good with beer. I also asked for her to send me pictures of the boys building the firetruck project (which she did).

She called me about 45 minutes later with a tactical question and then told me about how much pizza they had left over. I told her that I still hadn't decided on dinner yet (it was almost 7PM) so I should get going on that before it got too late. She asked if I wanted to go over to pick some up as she had so much left over. I said sure.

I went over and picked it up. My 3 year old showed me the fire truck that he had built and my 7 year old just gave me a big hug and kiss. I chatted with them at the door for a bit before I left. I said good nite and told them that they can call me again to say goodnite if they wanted to (which would have been in about 25 minutes). My 3 year old said he wanted to. When I left, I heard my 3 year old calling to say he wanted to come home with me. It really made me sad.

So I got home and ate the pizza while I talked on the phone with some of my relatives. They didn't call to say good nite and I was tempted to call, but figure that I did see them just 25 minutes ago so I didn't call either.

So right now, I'm not sure if it's the 4 beers I've had or what, but I'm feelign ok. I'm a little down, but I'm not a wreck like I was on Father's day.....

[sandi2]

Sure is a lot of contact from a woman who claims she wants a D from you, isn't it? Glad you had a good day.

[confusedinpa]

Sure is a lot of contact from a woman who claims she wants a D from you, isn't it? Glad you had a good day.

Sandi,

I agree. It does seem a little conflicting as she is the who filed for divorce on Jan 9th and seems hell bent on proceedign with a divorce. That's the part that I really don't get. As you mentioned in one of your earlier posts, she doesn't seem to be full of hatred/anger like the typical WAW. Maybe you are right that she's keeping me on deck in case she needs something to fall back on.

One of the things that came up today was how I had an interview for a job about 2.5 hours away. I told her that it's just an interview but before I decide anything we will talk about it. I know that was one of her issues in the past, I would change jobs for more money or promotion and wouldn't really consult her. I would pretty much come home and tell her that I was starting a new job in 2 weeks. I know that was wrong of me and it made her feel unimportant and not part of the decision making process as these decision does affect all of us.

But we will cross that bridge if/when we get there.....

Thanks for stopping by again. Hope you are feeling well still.

[confusedinpa]

I know I'm going to get 2x4's with this one, but remember, I am a DAM.

My wife called tonite about 45 minutes after the kids normally go to bed. We talked for about an hour.

It started with some tactical stuff about our 7 year old's first week of camp. Then she asked about the custody agreement that her lawyer sent me a couple of weeks ago.

I told her that I hadn't had a chance to really look at it, but remember that the first right of refusal wasn't in there so I asked if that was a problem for her. She said no. Then she asked if there was anything else wrong with it. I told her that I really hadn't looked at it. Then she started get frustrated and yelling about why didn't I look at it yet or tell her that there was a problem.

I told her that I got it the day I lost my job so she really expect me to look at it back then? She said no.

Then I told her that right now, we've been working together with the kids and until I know what my job situation is, I really can't say for sure what type of custody agreement will work. Nevertheless, I wanted to get my lawyer friend to look at it before I signed anything

Then she started getting upset about how she hadn't been able to get anywhere with the the divorce and saying that she needed me to go over the document so she can make some progress.

I stopped her and said that she has already made the biggest progress in the divorce already, she had moved out and left me and that had really hurt all of us. Right now, the only thing missing from the divorce is the legal status and that is on a clearly defined time line in 18 months.

I then told her that I don't know what else she really wants as right now she has done everything that she has wanted. She moved out and we have joint custody of the kids. If that's not making her happy, then she really has to think about that.

She then started to cry and went on about how she sees how much I've changed and how we can be such good friends as I'm someone special in her life, but she just can't see being married to me anymore.

I cut her off saying that a divorce is not what I want but I can't see being friends with the woman I love and not being able to show her that. She said that a divorce isn't what she wanted in life, but she does see being married to me as a good choice either. She just wants to end the chapter of us being married to stop her hurt.

I told her that if that's how she chooses to feel, then there is nothing I say that will convince her, just as nothing she says or do can really change how I choose to feel. Right now, I still feel towards her like I had back when I first fell in love with her (we talked about the first time we said I love you to each other).

She continued to cry as she said that she feels that most of our married life together we were like really good roommates but that I didn't make her feel special or important to me. She said that it was over the last couple of years she had really reached her limit that she couldn't stand it anymore.

That's when I slipped into some real pursuing behavior, I told her that she was always special and important to me. I may not have shown her the way she wanted to and it hurt her but I've appologized for all that already and am learning from it. I reminded her that I'm just a DAM and can't read minds, but have really spent a lot of time looking back to understand what I need to do differently. I am using that to make me a better person for me and the boys. Even with all the hurt, I still want her to be part of that life.

I've been trying to give her the time and space that she had asked for to heal her hurt and if there was anything that she needed to help her heal, to let me know.

I then went on talking about several special moments in our lives where I had really felt connected with her. She kept crying and sobbing. One of the times we talked about was the nite I proposed to her. She had stopped wearing her rings about 3 years ago because they got too big to fit on her fingers after our second son was born. She wore some fake silver ones in place of them. I asked her that if she had some time, to try to put them back on just to see how they feel and just let me know.

I then went on about how we can spend the next 18 months in limbo or we could spend it seeing what kind of relationship we could develop. She said that she doesn't want to give me any false hope.

I told her that it's not about hope, but more of giving us a chance. I said that it will take time for us to truly know where this path will lead us. All relationships/marriages take work by both people. I know I can't make her try but we won't know until we both try. That's not just us spending one on one time together occassionally, but by her moving back home so we can really try together.

So the spending the time together can be time where we can see if each of us are someone we want to try with.

She had still been crying that entire time so I told her that it was getting really late so I don't want her to be too tired in the morning nor get her stomach upset again so I said good nite and I told her that I still love her.

She just kept crying and sneaked out a good nite as she hung up.

OK,so let the 2x4's fly.....

[Gardener]

That's when I slipped into some real pursuing behavior

Oh, man, do I understand.

OK,so let the 2x4's fly.....

Right now, my 2x4 is just a splintered nub from whackin' myself over the head with it so much...

You're human, you're in pain, you love...

You learn.

[confusedinpa]

A pretty busy day. My wife dropped off my 7 year old at home at 8 am as him camp doesn't start till 9 am. She didn't say too much as she seemed to be in a hurry to get to work. I did enjoy spending a little one on one time with him unil I had to take him to camp. It was nice out so we took the IROC convertible as a treat

I spent most of the day paying bills and getting ready to leave for my overnite trip for a interview Tues am (it's about 3 hours away)

I did get a call from a headhunter for a position 4.5 hours away too. Guess we'll cross that bridge if I have to

My wife did send me a number of emails about tactical stuff.

I picked up my 7 year old from camp and he had a blast there. It was great to see him so excited. When my wife showed up with our 3 year old to pick him up. It was a real surprise to see him as well. He was excited as well.

I got a little down when my 7 year old asked my wife about staying at home with daddy tonite. My wife said not tonite as I had to go on a trip tonite.

They were both sad - 7 year old got ready eyed and my 3 year old grabbed my leg and wouldn't let to as he cried. I gave them both a hug as I told them that I love them both and wished they could have stayed as well. I said that I will see them on Weds and will talk to them tonite before they went to bed

My wife called me about 15 minutes before she normally would for the kids to say goodnite. She had some tactical stuff to go over but then started chit chattin about her day. It seemed like a very friendly conversation. Then she put the boy on to say goodnite. She got back onto the phone afterwards and made some comment about how far this place was and how long I have been driving. I told her what I said yesterday that we would have to talk about it I'd anything came out of the interview (I didn't tell her about the other call that was even further). She asked me to text/call her when I got there, which I did

I had a late dinner (9:30 pm) when she text me a couple of tactical things. I wound up calling her as one of her text didn't make any sense.

It was a good call where we joked and chatted about general stuff. We talked about 45 minutes before I said that I had I finish dinner as it was late and I wanted go get a better nite sleep than last nite

She asked if it was because if our call last nite. I just said it was either that or I was jus anxious od going on the interview I had this week. She said that there is a lot going on right now. I just acknowledged and validated

Then she asks if I wanted to so dinner on Weds like we had last week on Tues. I told her the sounded good. I decided to end the call on a positive note so I said it was getting late so have a goodnite

So right now I'm taking a break from prepping foe my interview to catch up on journalling. I need to stay focused on the job opportunity for the next 16 hours (there are 7 hours of interviews scheduled). I'm going to stay positive an think good thoughts as I really need something to start going my way