After last night's Batsh*t-Crazy-a-Thon, I had interest approaching Zero in engaging with WAW this morning.
She, on the other hand, clearly wanted to reach out. She was contrite, quiet, practically meek. No thanks.
She inquired, meekly, would it be okay if she called the kids?
Of course -- I will never interpose myself between the children and their mother (assuming there's no potential harm, abuse, etc.).
Could she see the kids? Not this weekend. We're just going to get ourselves straight, the kids and I.
And so off we went on a day at the beach. We stopped for breakfast -- pigs-in-blankets for the two younglings, ham-and-eggs for Himself. We picked up some sandwiches and drinks. And then off we went.
The kids had a great time. We saw jellies, sand crabs, pelicans. We made sand castles. Stopped for frozen yogurt. Did some shopping.
Prepped them for the sight that will greet them upon hitting the door -- empty living room, empty breakfast nook, etc.
They took it pretty well. We made a pizza and fired up the new big'un LCD teevee.
They spoke to WAW briefly, both rallying.
Went upstairs to get bath and bed underway. Sat down at my computer.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Usually I would wail about a cliffhanger. Remember how tough it was a kid reading those words "To Be Continued" on the screen not knowing if Fonzie landed the jump at Al's Diner? Oh, the agony!
But not this time. When you're ready.
I so wish I could I be there. For a beer, cigar, a man hug, or whatever it takes. You're in my thoughts.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Shoot, I don't drink beer, smoke cigars, and well I have two rather large mammary glands and the wrong plumbing to give a man hug, but I'd drink a beer, smoke a cigar, and give you the biggest hug I could if it would help. I realize we must have rainy days to appreciate the sun, but damn if life couldn't be easier to get through. *hugs* and peaceful thoughts coming your way from me to you!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
SP - Your W will at some point look back with regret. She has some reality checks coming her way.
Her future is much much bleaker than yours. Yours will not contain regret and it will have a couple of kids in it and who knows how many grandkids. Hers might have a splattering of that but lots of ' could I of done it differently '.
Its not our careers or ourselves that keep us warm and loved in our old years. Its our family. You have preserved your family and it might look a little odd at the moment but it will become the norm.
Chin up . I think all of us here feel what your feeling right now. It does get better.
And there is no right or wrong. You're doing the best you can, every day.
A few things I try to keep in mind..
If the emotions are mixed, avoid the blender.
If everything starts boiling in the stew of life, don't stir it with your finger.
Nice deep breaths are wonderful.. getting all that oxygen rich blood to the brain.
I imagine the action of my spouse as a pretty big deep wound on my body.. usually my arm. What he did hurt... alot. How I treat the initial wound determines how it heals. If I keep picking on it, poking and probing it.. it doesn't get much better, sometimes even worse. For a while all I could do was look at that gaping wound. It took almost all my attention. Eventually it becomes an arm again, something damaged but usable. I find my laughter, my body as a whole, the 'boring' in life rather than the emotionally charged existence. It heals as much as I let it heal.
So.. big guy.. there are no answers.. just you.. the man, the dad with open arms and cuddliciousness for your kids. The stillness in time realizing this is just the tip of the iceberg. Choices. Triage.
You don't need this but here's permission to cry, to let go, to drop the well crafted entertaining and/or engaging posts. Do what helps heal.. you... emotionally, physically, spiritually..
SP, Sorry you are going thru this, I can relate like most of us here. A short piece of advice:avoid the drama. In your head,your thoughts, your feelings. Distance yourself a little bit -I know it is nearly impossible- take it slow... The reality will be MUCH easier than what you anticipate. That is for sure. xxxx K
But I recalled something from the Batsh*t-Crazy-a-Thon that I wanted to get down. During the pause between Wacko and Wakco II: The Return of Batsh*t-Crazy WAW Herself was sitting on the floor, listening to me -- "hearing"? dunno -- and she said the oddest thing:
"They make it impossible for people to reconcile. The state says it has an interest in marriage, but it makes it impossible to reconcile. And all the people involved? How could anyone ever reconcile? Your family? They hate me. We'd have to move, get new identities. It's impossible."
And she said that at least twice that I recall -- maybe three times. "They" make it "impossible" to reconcile.
I'm not sure I "heard" it as I should have, or perhaps I just ignored it because it was so discordant with the rest of the "conversation."
But who, exactly, are "they" supposed to be? And what's this insanity with "all the people" being made equivalent to "my family." Yes, my family is ultra-p*ssed -- but she's spent 4 months (as far as I can tell) having created this Parallel Herself, who "can't stop smiling" and is "living bliss" about the whole thing. If there's a "they" there, it's "them" -- how would she possibly confront the dozens of people she's laid this fairy tale on and "backslide" home?
I said as much to her once, you'll recall (from the previous or previous-to-that thread), and she said she'd never let her ego get in the way if something like reconciliation were possible.
But that little "and all the people" -- her own acknowledgment that, in fact, it would get in the way?
Amazing how this "barrier" becomes part of the WAS's drive to push forward.
I was told "I can't go back" and "I'd never feel good about myself in our relationship again, I'd feel like I'd always owe you".
My response: "You'd owe me the same thing you've always owed me, the same thing I would owe you, your best. I wasn't talking about going back. I was talking about going forward".
I saw reconcilation between my cousin and his wife...after an A, exposure, separation initatiated by the unfaithful spouse,horrible fighting and bizarre details. They have 3 kids and it was bad bad times all around. They lived apart for about 18 months. They both said it was very very over. During their initial reconciliation, it was hard on the family who had witnessed it all, but once we all saw that both spouses were genunine and commited, everyone began to be tentatively supportive.
What the WAS doesn't realize is, we the LBS, in considering reconciliation, have to live with stigma too. We get to live with people's quiet (or not so quiet) judgements, their own assumptions about what they would or would not do or accept. The WAS thinks they are the only one that has their dirty laundry aired in the process.
I think that when and if it gets to that point for anyone, the emphasis needs to be on why reconciliation is what both people want, and not just how difficult it would be to make happen.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
It must be so sad to be always right then get a second thought.
It's too bad "they" make it so tough to go back. Oh, but we know who "they" is don't we. "They" is not the family, the friends, or the neighborhood, who would see this so called backslide and think less of her for going back on her decision. No, "they" is the fragile ego of herself that doesn't like the taste of crow. As Pogo said, "We have met the enemy and (s)he is us."
So how do we make it easier for them?
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
