Lucky - sitting here finishing a meal w/ my kids before we go to the beach. Thought the same thing: I need a pack of smokes. And I haven't had a puffer since 88 or so!
She's a train wreck right now as everything is coming undone in her life and nothing makes sense.
Take care of yourself and just get through it. More sleep. More time with the dog. More time with the kids.
I really feel bad for you right now.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
This is the kind of psychotic behavior that scares me when I think if my wife and I don't make it. Because I could EASILY see her "losing it" as well, because she just DOESN'T think things thru at all, until they're right upon her.
Been following. Lots of thoughtful posts from @coach, @greek, @lucky girl, etc., won't presume that what I have to offer is anything more than what has been so eloquently said.
Can tell you this. During this separation/pre D, whatever process, the worst times between H. and I have been when we actually got to the point of moving out of our house and the $ issues. It’s more difficult for them to compartmentalize when those things start happening for real. And it puts us in the position of having to set boundaries and preserve ourselves. Which they take as an offensive move.
While I think its an unavoidable scenario, it did give me some comfort, dignity and some semblance of control to continue to navigate this part of the process in a way that I could feel good about,or to borrow your phraseology, “how I roll”. I couldn’t always do it. There were times when I felt so disrespected and mistreated that I wanted to not only defend myself but to push forward with some sort of offensive, if only to shut him down and put a stop to the madness. I would fight back, lash out, and remember being horrified at times, saying to myself and those around me “I am done, so done”.
I have participated in the lights thrown on wake up call, the middle of the night trading of F’-yous, the leave-get away from me right now or I wills, both of us showing our ugliest. It’s terrible, terrible to be pushed beyond reason, beyond decency, by the person you love. I am haunted by the reality of what we had inside us, that we could be that way to eachother. Elizabeth Gilbert has a good quote “ We had been fighting and crying; we were weary in only the way a couple whose marriage is collapsing can be weary. We had the eyes of refugees”.
It’s also mystifying, strange and so confusing to still want to hold them, to be intimate in every way, in the midst of that destruction. The love, the history, the hope, the hurt, the anger and disgust-the fine line between all of these, ever moving. Weird cocktail for sexual tension/desire. But palpable, thats for sure.
It hurts beyond measure the way they focus on the $ and the stuff and the logistics. The first time H. and I talked after the move out, I was crushed and insulted when he indicated some resentment over the way things had been divided. As if I was getting some pleasure or satisfaction out of “things”, or that I was somehow benefiting from this sitch. I think its pretty common the way the WAS needs to pigeonhole LBS as vengeful when they set boundaries and stand up for themselves in anyway, particularly related to “stuff”. My response to him at the time was a measured “All of the stuff is in storage. You know how it got there and why. I'm moving on X day. If you want anything, go get it. Otherwise I don’t expect to have this conversation again”.
Now that those things are somewhat settled for a while, we are getting the necessary space. Its only been just recently, 3 months after we really separated, that we have had any semblance of an authentic conversation. H. finally is feeling secure enough living on his own to not lash out and resent me for “ties” that remain. Getting those arrangements made has been a SLOW process because, as you’ve noted, it’s too emotionally charged to know how to think and act without just re-acting all over the place. I hear you about what the mojo lawyer says about the time frame, but if you can "afford" in all sense of the term to take it slow, I don't think you will have any regrets.
I only hope that you both can have some space now. Let her be responsible for her self, you take care of you, your kids, and let yourself heal a bit. Write your book when it feels good, don't pressure yourself to if you are still reeling and need to just be for a while.
You gave me great advice a while back, told me to keep on rollin my way and to create some light for myself. At first I struggled between how to detach and do nothing without calling that a done deal. Sometimes it feels very much like a done deal. Who cares what it is right now. The picking at the scab needs to stop for a while. In the medical world, we talk about 2 types of healing. Primary intention, when a gaping cut is sutured closed. Effective, but the stitching is trauma in itself. Secondary intention, when you leave the wound open, and leave it alone. Slowly it heals, from the innermost layer of tissue, out. You improve the surrounding conditions to give it the best chance to do its thing (apply a loose dressing, keep it clean, dry, protected, promote rest and good nutrion) but you basically just let it be. Let the body, time, and whatever other influential factors a person believes in, determine the outcome.
Wishing you all the strength in the world. -Travel Dane
Last edited by traveldane; 06/26/0906:48 PM.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
SP - You have a rough road ahead. You knew it was coming but I doubt there is any of us that could fully of prepared you for that sense of loss and abandonment.
Dbing to me is not all about getting your M back together, i think its main purpose is to help you. Still follow the principals of Dbing but make SP and the kids the main focus. Drop her from your thoughts for a while. ( If you can ). Plan plan plan your next hour, day and week. Dont stop moving forward.
You have more hellish times to come SP. I have sat back and read all your posts, been impressed with the mojo stories but knew deep down that reality was going to be a bitch.
You are strong, allow yourself to grieve and be angry. You will come through this . Just not today or possibly tommorrow. Still come here because heaps of people can help you with the continu ing emotional rollercoaster ride that you have not got off yet.
I don't post much as I feel somewhat hypocritical as I am not trying to save my marriage. Mine is over and I am just awaiting the funeral (STBX filing). I do however read and learn from everyone on this board. Your situation and life story have me transfixed. I am able through your words to feel your emotions and am on this rollercoaster ride with you. I can't put into words, myself how very sorry I am that your life for the moment is so painful. It is so very cliché to say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but it has some truth in it. You are becoming. You are growing. None of these things are easy and you are embracing the pain that is necessary to fulfill your destiny and become the SP you are meant to be. Whether your wife ever appreciates it, please know that your children will always have it in their heart and for those of us that you have so kindly allowed to witness your transformation, we have grown and learned by your example. I have such warm thoughts for you and wish you so much peace in that wounded heart of yours. Breathe. In and Out. Life is good!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
