But I'm dammed if I'm going to sit idly by while I get disrespected like that. Not when I'm doing what I do for me and the kids. Not when I'm trying to Roll My Way and Walk My Path. And I'm not asking for "fairness" or "justice" or "payback." I'm not talking about Schnarch's "covert contract." I'm talking about simple respect. As a man. As a father. As the father of her children. So -- Just. F*ck. That.
I'll take my godd*m mojo and football and go home.
OK, I'm 14 hours late to the stadium, and I see by the little red numbers in the upper corner of my screen that there's still two more PAGES of responses, but before more time slips away from me:
STANDING. F&CKING. OVATION.
That's five Puppy whistles. I don't think I've ever given more than three.
I hadn't seen this before, must have gotten a phone call when I was listening to that part of Passionate Marriage on CD while stuck in traffic... But, what you cite here is such a strong emotion the LBS feels... and it, too, is "script"...
Quote:
A...Schnarch pointed out that when one spouse lies and keeps plans or actions (or an A) secret, then they are taking away the other spouses freedom and right to think, feel and act. In effect, they are saying "I am important and have the right to do things that are in my interest, but you are not important and do not have the same rights or even the right to react to what I am doing"
...What hurts is the realization that your spouse has so little regard for you that they don't even see you as another person - just a resource to be used for a while during the planning phase, and then a barrier to be manipulated past.
...I also think this is a barrier that we all have to set - "I matter and you are not going to do that to me!"
I can so distinctly remember having this feeling that to her, I was merely background noise and an annoyance to put up with, until and while she carried out her secret plans...
I even got the line: "Why do you care if I do whatever I want to do, we're already psycholgically separated."
Your mantra is one that all LBS's have to remember when dealing with that feeling under similar circumstances...
-AlexEN
I think that's the essence of compassion is showing another person that they matter to you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Now I might be wrong - and I am sure someone will tell me that - but we all need to dig deep and find our brass ones once in a while.
Wifey,
You aren't wrong, but I'm having another one of those bad mental images... This time conflicting ones...
First, I see Captain Queeg with his brass balls... and, I guess, those are the ones we cannot let the LBS drive us toward in their Mutiny...
But, I also chuckle when women make reference to getting, finding or growing some brass ones... I can't remember who it was, but another LBS of the female persuasion made such a comment not too long ago... May have been @A&K?
Although, the more I think about it I like the brass balls reference, as long as the LBS is conscious of not letting the WAS's actions make us into Captain Queeg...
By standing up as @Thinker and others have said above, the LBS can turn the tables, by instead allowing the WAS to become battle-weary and paranoid. Because, if I remember the story correctly, he played with his brass balls when he was anxious and it was his instability and hypocrisy at the time of crisis that led to the Mutiny that saved the ship from disaster.
So, let's put the brass balls in the hands of the WAS... and find another metaphor for what the LBS needs to find, especially the women-folk...
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
But.... When my W lies to me, when I realized that she had been carrying on an EA with OM for some time without ever even telling me she was unhappy, when I found letters where she talked about her desire / plans to get D'd by the end of the year that were written before we had even started talking about any of this ---- NOW THAT HURT!! It hurt badly.
You are completely right SP. What hurts is the realization that your spouse has so little regard for you that they don't even see you as another person - just a resource to be used for a while during the planning phase, and then a barrier to be manipulated past.
GOD, this is a great thread. Epic. I hope the mods stickey this one for the archives. There's just way too much good, deep truth in these to digest them all!
I hadn't seen this before, must have gotten a phone call when I was listening to that part of Passionate Marriage on CD while stuck in traffic... But, what you cite here is such a strong emotion the LBS feels... and it, too, is "script"...
Quote:
A...Schnarch pointed out that when one spouse lies and keeps plans or actions (or an A) secret, then they are taking away the other spouses freedom and right to think, feel and act. In effect, they are saying "I am important and have the right to do things that are in my interest, but you are not important and do not have the same rights or even the right to react to what I am doing"
...What hurts is the realization that your spouse has so little regard for you that they don't even see you as another person - just a resource to be used for a while during the planning phase, and then a barrier to be manipulated past.
...I also think this is a barrier that we all have to set - "I matter and you are not going to do that to me!"
I can so distinctly remember having this feeling that to her, I was merely background noise and an annoyance to put up with, until and while she carried out her secret plans...
Me too! This SO describes how I felt! I had never really put a finger on it until now.
So by not being honest and open about what you are doing, you are trying to control me and taking away my freedom to act.
Responding to my own post here (I know, bad form , but this topic hit a hot button and got me worked up...)
The line I get whenever I catch my W at a lie, or discover her doing something secretively, or when she doesn't want to tell me what she is thinking is "I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd get angry. See, your angry, so I was right not to tell you"
And now I finally understand why this makes me so angry. It's not what she is doing - I normally get over that quickly. It's also not the lie itself - although it takes me longer to get over that. It's the infuriating fact that she wants to be able to do something that she "knows" will make me angry, without me having the right to decide whether or not to get angry about it.
It's all about control and respect.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
But, I also chuckle when women make reference to getting, finding or growing some brass ones... I can't remember who it was, but another LBS of the female persuasion made such a comment not too long ago... May have been @A&K?
I might have said balls but probably not "brass balls."
Mojo, balls, fortitude...what have you. Someone has to be steady.
But, when the sh*t hits the fan, it is a frickin' D and people get angry and emotional.
Personally, it breaks my heart to read about, however, I know that you push through it and come out the other side.
, but this topic hit a hot button and got me worked up...)