I can't advise you as someone who has seen his spouse move out, but I can advise you as someone who moved himself many times as a child (military brat ) and as someone who has moved his own children. I know this move is going to be REALLY difficult for you, but for a minute, I am putting myself in your children's shoes.
My memories and coping techniques as a little Thinker who kept moving was not to focus on the loss of the old, but on the gain of the new.
Remember that, difficult as it is for you, they are also moving. As I understand it, they are going to be spending part of their time with Mrs. SP in her new house, so this is also their new house as well.
With this in mind, my recommendation would be not to focus their attention at all on her moving out, but to allow them to be focused on themselves moving in to their new house.
Unfortunately, you can't be the one to focus them on this. Your W has to do it.
Is it possible for you to step back for a day, acknowledge that it's moving day but take them out and entertain them while the movers take everything out of your house, and then hand them over to your W so that she can "Celebrate" their new home with them. For their sake, she really needs to do that.
Your focus should be on distracting them from the move out.
Also, one of the most distressing parts of a move out for a child is looking at the empty hole where all of the familiar stuff used to be. Have a plan for how you are going to fill those holes and make your house still a complete home (for your kids) once her stuff is gone.
Just my opinion.
I am sorry that you have to go through this. I really am.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
It's very weird, I'll admit. But I've come to the realization that we LBS tend to create caricatures of WAS -- just as they create caricatures of us -- in order to facilitate the process, whatever the Way of the WAS is. We know ourselves to be greater than the sum of our parts; we know that we're better than what our marital failings indicate; we know we're capable of better and more and deeper and richer -- hell, it's why we're working so hard at this thing. So why doesn't WAS see that, s/he says in anguish?
Because they can't see that, at least not while they're in the fog. Who're they going to believe, the Way of the WAS or their lying eyes?
Smiley, this is SO true, and a really insightful observation. I'm guilty of this myself, and -- like ANY prejudice -- while it may be HELPFUL 90% of the time, it can HOLD YOU BACK the other 10%. Waywards really do follow a basic "script," and studying that script can help you, but you need to be really careful that it doesn't turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy, too.
Puppy
Puppy are admitting there might be some grey area between the black and white? It helps to remember your beloved isn't a WAS, MLCer, DAM, etc but a person with needs,wants, goals, dreams and fears just like you. I have made it a point to try and stop using those labels here. If it were your spouse posting on here the perspective would be a whole lot different.
Cheers
ps Lying Eyes- that would be a great song title.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
#1 objective is GUARD THEIR HEARTS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. As much as this particular change is about Mr. and Mrs. SP...it is going to be a DEFINING moment in their LIVES. So... that's how I would frame my moves.
Suggestions: *In kid-speak, as clearly as you can, explain what will physically happen (movers coming, stuff going out of the door, where it's going, WHERE THEIR THINGS WILL BE). Keep it simple, SP. Then let them ask what they want to know beyond what you present. Keep answers simple and only answer what they ask. If you don't know, say "I don't know." Keep eye contact with your babies. They'll be watching for signs in YOUR eyes.
*I know you wouldn't...but just in case the moments get the best of you, DO NOT SMEAR MRS. SP at all to her children. This matters to THEM. My parents are divorced - my father has NEVER said an unkind word about my mother. My mother never misses an opp. to slam him. Guess who I respect more.
*Take them away from the house while this whole operation is going on - start to finish. Do something fun, meaningful.
*Bring something home from the get-a-away so there is diversion/distraction when you walk in the door the first time. Something that needs to be eaten quickly, a puppy or kitten, a bird or turtle, something to plug in and do immediately ~~~ ease them into the space with a distraction.
Just suggestions. None of this will make it easier for you. But the goal is to help the little SPs - as you know.
*Bring something home from the get-a-away so there is diversion/distraction when you walk in the door the first time. Something that needs to be eaten quickly, a puppy or kitten, a bird or turtle, something to plug in and do immediately ~~~ ease them into the space with a distraction.
If you don't already have a pet in your home SP, and are open to the idea, I think a new puppy or kitten is a great idea.
A new animal really changes the dynamic in the home in a positive way, and would prevent all of you (Little SP's and You) from focusing on the sudden absence.
It will, however, probably also anger your W, because she will read it as an attempt to compete with her new life.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
The "hole in the house" is a big problem. (There's already a dog.)
I'm going to ask Herself if she'll have her people move the sofa and lounge chair from my office into the front room to fill some of the hole, and I think the kids and I will "suddenly" decide to buy an air-hockey table and put it right-smack-dab in the middle of what once was the living room.
But I have a fair sense of how weird it'll be -- the closet in the master bed is mighty empty-looking.
Hug the kids and love them. They need to lean into you now, more than ever, in order to get through this. You have to push your own grief over the situation to the side. It is not easy, I know. I try not to get emotional in front of the kids. IT is too damaging for them. I tell them, repeatedly if need be, that we will all be fine, that God's grace is sufficient for any trial in life. They know that God always loves them, is always faithful, and they are leaning into His strength, also.
As for all the empty space---SHOPPING TRIP!!
Living God's blessing with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
) and as someone who has moved his own children. I know this move is going to be REALLY difficult for you, but for a minute, I am putting myself in your children's shoes.
