Tundra - maybe this is a perfect time for you to get back to kayaking & rafting too, and more skiing next winter. I don't know why we give up our passions... but it's never too late to get back to them.
I'll be careful - last time I was on this stretch of the the river, 3 of the 4 boats flipped on a Class IV rapid. Hopefully we'll have better luck this time!
Let me know when you get back in the water. It would be good for you.
And as for being a "work in progress"...aren't we all? Yes we are. My m is a work in progress & I'll never say "all is well" and end a sentence like that, b/c it's not going to be static again. For better or for worse, it will always be a work in progress just like we are as humans.
How true.
When is your H coming home? Are you ready for his return? I forget how long you said he'd been away so perhaps it will be an adjustment to have him back again?
H IS Coming in 2 weeks and we did just have a great 3 week trip to Europe to "retrieve" our d20. They will have adjustments to make as h must repair his r with her some more. But I feel pretty good otherwise. Nervous in a way but we spent last year in Alaska together with d11 and just came back to the lower 48 when mil AND my sister's h became terminally ill. BIL died in Sept, grandma died in August, and a 3rd unexpected death also happened. BUT H has spent most of the past 8-9 months with his mother due to her cancer. Now it's time for his brother to take that over as "We" have done our part and when she gets closer to the end, which will happen this calendar year, we are told, then h can attend to her of course.
I feel our M is restored and we are reconciled and "together" in all senses of the word. But he does have some other work to do as you know. With the kids. AND yes there will be adjustments to be sure. I expect some very rought patches as he gets to know these d's of ours better and sees what he missed and how he does NOT know them as he should and wants to. (I have a db coaching session this week and will have another one before h gets here)
AND I will set up an appt with a c, for me and H at least once. Also for d20 (and h with her IF she and he both want that), which I suspect he will want but can'ts speak for d20.
He wants "back into the family in full" and I feel for him. He knows he has missed out and looks like the proverbial "jerk dad".... On his own he says he'll go to an acting workshop b/c he wants to understand what we are all talking about when we discuss acting/theater. (S23 and d20 and I all do theater & film and AND s23 and d20 are making it their full time careers) so for h to get out of his comfort zone so much is a big deal. (H is an MD, so this is NOT what he does for fun...at least not yet).
It's touching really. (Watch him turn out to be way better than all of us and get work!! WTH? You never know...) I am CHOOSING to be positive about this, without being blind to the warning signs and risks, if you kwim.
I want to post "div busted" but will wait at least 3-6 months before doing so just to be careful. Nothing worse than seeing someone say "D-B!!" only to have them back on the boards a year later.
FaithfulH, and Brandnewday are still doing well but we all had this talk about "piecing VS reconciling". We realized we are using the terms SO carefully, and not realizing that to 99% of the people on these boards, we are "done"...but we know better. We are grateful that DBing helped save our M's...but we'll never say never.
We are never "done", with or without our spouses....make sense?
(( j ))
PS THANKS FOR ASKING...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm excited to hear more about the adjustments when your H gets home, and it sounds like he's ready to work on all of the R's. It's really neat that he wants to take an acting class to better u/s what the family's been up to. That will take him out of his comfort zone and maybe he'll really enjoy it! Charades at home could go to a completely new level with a family full of actors! haha!
I think it's great you're planning to visit the C and make sure everyone's doing alright. Also, the DB coaching... your posts are full of insight and encouragement, but absolutely it makes sense you would need someone to bounce your concerns and plans off of...
By the newbie standards, yes, it seems you have busted your D but, your caution makes total sense. Can't wait to see your revised signature re: DBusted - b/c I think you can/will/are doing it!!
How's everything going for you? Thanks for the advice concerning my MIL. You're right, contacting her to see my SS would probably make her feel uncomfortable.
Any exciting outdoor plans for the summer? I want to learn to flyfish better, go rafting, and take some backpacking trips. Summer in this state is so short, so I better take advantage of it before it's gone!
One thing that perplexes me about being in limbo is not knowing how much time to give my H. I decided, for now anyway, to give him 6 months. (He signed a six month lease) After that, if he's still ambivalent and conflicted, I need to just file for D so I can move on with my life, (meaning I can begin to date others) Do you think this is a good idea? I don't want to be in limbo forever.
Me 40 WAH 43 T 4 years M 10 months stepson 9 H left 1 month ago No D filed
I did get back in the water this spring to train to do the swim part of a triathlon and it it was great ( I was a swimmer in HS and College). Since the triathlon a few weeks ago I took up running to compete in a 5k fun-raising type run and now I need to keep at both activities. My times weren't the fastest, but they were fun to say the least.
I have done more and more skiing with the kids the last few years and really enjoyed it, except my W doesn't ski, so it has been a drag with out her. Then there is the tension / pressure put on her to go and then she has a crappy time and..well, you get the picture.
Kayaking is next on my GAL activity. I still have my 20 year old kayak in the garage and want to get a newer one to see how they handle. I am sure they are like the new "shaped skis" and how much funner they are.
Enough about that......Did your H hear about your trip and did he say anything?
My sitch is still the same here, Same house, DB'ing every chance I get and it seems like I am backsliding at least once daily....even though I am trying to work on every chapter in the book.
everyone needs at least an "internal" deadline so they are not in limbo forever. Your h does not need to know this if you don't want him to if you are worried that he'll see it as an ultimatum. Any ultimatums, IF ever given, better be followed so be careful with them.
But for me, I had a 2 year timeline b/c my older d was in high school and I could physically keep them in the same place/school for that amount of time and feel that some stability was there. Most people cannot do that. If you can, consider it but you have to know that you will be alright and that there is an end in sight. It's a very fair reasonable thing. Internally I felt that 2 years was pushing it a lot for ME, but it was a goal b/c of the girls.
Will your h know? And what will be different for you if the 6 months ends and you decide it's over? Will you file? Are they any signs he could show that would make you change your mind OTHER Than a complete reversal? Like the "gray" areas.
J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
MT - I think it helps to put ourselves in the MIL's position (or FIL in my case). It must be hard. They love their sons, of course, but they welcomed us into the family too. Suddently everything's different and they want to support us both, but if forced to choose, we know what their choice will be. Awkward!! We have to do the right thing, and others will appreciate it. Even if they don't, we take the high road b/c it's the right thing to do.
No big plans for the summer... but now that you mention fly fishing, that's something I've always wanted to learn to do! I will have to check into that. Rafting in MT must be a blast! Backpacking too - that's great that you're thinking ahead like that. Nice job!
Yes, limbo land... it's a hard one to gauge. My family and friends seem to think I should move ahead, but I just don't feel it. Personally, I'm still hopeful and as long as I am I don't plan to file or move on. Right now I feel like I could honestly wait a couple years. My H didn't get into this mess overnight, and it's going to take a long time for him to sort it out. But, it's a very personal choice. If 6 mths is it for you, then so be it - but I think 25mlc gave you some good advice on this...
a triathlon... wow! I'm impressed! Is that something you did with your W or took up after the bomb? Either way, nice job! I like doing 5ks too... it's relaxed but social, and just feels good to raise money for a good cause.
My H and I used to ski a lot together, and then with the kids. But the last season, he went almost exclusively by himself or with friends... It really put some tension on our R. He resented me for not going. I resented him for always wanting to ski and not be at home with us... It was a big source of conflict, and maybe for you too?
I know I loved the fact my H was a ski bum when we met, and somewhere along the way that admiration turned into resentment. Sad... a big regret of mine. If I get another chance, I will really try to participate with H in his love of skiing, and get back to the trips we enjoyed. Sometimes we'd just find a room to stay in to ski another day, and he pushed me so much beyond what I thought my abilities were. I never hiked beyond the lifts before H, and finding a way down double blacks became routine. I'll never be as smooth as H was, but I know I'm a better skier and have more resolve b/c of the way he pushed me.
any who.... did you W ever ski? Living in CO, I imagine there are some outdoorsy things you've enjoyed. Maybe you could come up with something to do with the kids and invite W along if she wants. Something that is relaxing and fun. Just a thought.
The raft trip is this coming weekend. My friend stopped by tonight to give me details and look at my broken gate. I am really excited! I don't know many people going, but it's a trip just for me! No kids, no H, just me being me like I used to be.
Hope all is well for you, Tundra. It is good your W is still in the house. If you're having backslides most days, challenge yourself to go a day or two without one. I know it's hard... but you can do it!
You will get another chance of some sort with someone or something in life. You'll be more of a participant and less of a spectator and you'll define "family time" more broadly, don't you think? Point is that your changes are good for you and your future no matter what He does.
Hang in there, God's got something good around the corner for you. At least that's what I feel right now for you and thought should share it. And I don't say stuff like that a lot btw.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
