Oh I definitely am not planning on dating. Although when my W and I were dating and had broken up (her call) when she found out that I had a GF, she started crying and said we were on a break and that she couldn't believe I found someone so fast.
Right. Maybe the lesson there is that she wants to be so special, so cherished, that really, no one else could get on the radar screen. This is great intel for you! That would be one of the problems I would have had if Coach had dated. So sad at being overlooked by my H that I felt I had to leave, only to find that he was very capable of moving on. Ouch.
Originally Posted By: stuck808
Sometimes I do wish that she'd take a hard look at me and think...what the hell am I doing? If I don't stay in my M, some other lucky girl is going to get him.
You can achieve this, I think, without crossing any lines. Be the best unStuck you can be. She'll notice. And you don't want her to notice just b/c you're sitting with someone else. That's not gonna stick - you know that. You want solid this time.
I imagine most of us "wish for" what's going to cost us the least with the largest return. LBS and WAS, too. The truth that Coach and I have learned - THE hard way - is that everyone has to pay tuition here and there are no bargains. Bargain = new screen name on DB in 3-4 years.
Cheers ~~
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Stuck: Have you confronted the OM? If not you should, just go to where he works when your wife is not around, walk up to him and give him your best shot right in the face.
O.K probably shouldn't do that, but holy [censored] would it ever make you feel better, well it'd make me feel better if I was you.
_________________________
Me 42, Her 34 M 3yrs, T 8yrs D 5 S 3 S 2 ILYBINILWY 02/09 Sleeping in same bed/no intimacy "I,m done" her words: 05/28/09
This has been discussed on other threads and not a good idea in my opinion. He could confront him and he might feel better. But this could also push his W to the OM.
And at the end of the day, what is really accomplished? Probably nothing or just more damage.
Jag: you're probably right, there is no OM in my sitch so easy for me to say.
It's just when I think about it it drives me stark raving mad.
You have to ask yourself though, at what point do we stop being doormats and start to "Man-Up" and get on with our GD lives. I know you know what I'm saying, we're always saying "Act as if you don't care" Well how about "I actually don't care".
You'll have to excuse me I've had a few vodkas and my W is out late.
_________________________
Me 42, Her 34 M 3yrs, T 8yrs D 5 S 3 S 2 ILYBINILWY 02/09 Sleeping in same bed/no intimacy "I,m done" her words: 05/28/09
I just read your entire thread, its late and my brain is tired, lol, but I didnt want to ignore your request for my POV. I will post some now and continue tomorrow.
Let me say this - I have been separated (not legally) for 18 months and there has been another woman the entire time. Due to my H's behavior I am *very* detached from the situation so my advice might seem hardcore but I realize all situations are different. I am simply giving you my opinion based on my experience because I wasnt always this detached. In fact, I do from time to time still feel a bit sad, betrayed and disappointed but its not life altering and the feelings pass quickly. I simply have no respect for my H and I feel he is pathetic which makes me feel compassion for the man he is.
I am very pro marriage and I do believe in standing for your marriage as long as you are doing it for the right reasons AND you are working on yourself in a true fashion at the same time. I also believe there is a time where you just have to let go and accept that things are over and no amount of "goodness" will change that.
For me, affairs of ANY sort will not be tolerated. I found out about my H's affair and kept it to myself for five months. But, during the five months I did not allow him to come over. In fact, he hasnt been at MY house since May of 2008. He does not get both - his comfy house and caring W working her ass off to save the marriage and an affair on the side. If he did have to come here to pick something up it was placed in the hall and he was not allowed in. If we had something to discuss that could not be done via the phone or e-mail he was regulated to standing in the courtyard and discussing it with me there.
Cleary this had very little impact on him because his affair is still going strong but I didnt do it to send a message to him, I did it for me. I deserved better than to hang out with my H when he was available for an hour or two then have him ditch me for his GF. I would not and still will not allow that. A few months ago he started crying while we were on the phone and told me that I wouldnt even let him come over. He can cry all he wants and I told him that - as long as the affair was goign on you were not welcome. If you want to cheat you will be treated like a cheater. Very simple.
Now, had he not lied to me for so long about it before I confronted him I might have taken a different stance. But, for the five months I knew, he knew I knew and was too wimpy to tell the truth. And when I confronted him he lied some more. He also said his affair wasnt about us but something just for him. The usual BS most cheaters say. I also told him I thought it was pathetic that he would be attracted to a woman that thought it was okay to sleep with a married man now close to 1.5 years.
Personally I dont think exposing the affair is a good idea but this is just my opinion. It rarely has the outcome that one hopes it will have and it causes drama and more anger.
If I had to guess I think your W is still having an affair of some sort and IMO you are making things much too comfortable for her. She has her comfy house, her doting husband, her financial needs met, can bitch and complain about you and the M all she wants because you take it and she gets the fun of the OM. I dont suggest an ultimatum because those rarely will work in your favor but in a way, your actions are telling her that the affair, while not great is acceptable for now.
I would stop with the gifts, dates and any other perks that marriage brings. You ask so many questions and try and figure out so many things and chances are, as much as this will hurt, you may never get any answers and you have wasted a ton of time and emotion on something you will never know.
Use that time for you and your children and take ALL the focus off your W. Let her know that living like roommates is no longer acceptable to you. If she considers herself separated than perhaps its time to take some steps to make that legal - that will mean finances, living arrangements, child custody and so on. Right now she is way too comfortable being separated because nothing is really different for her. Again, that is just my opinion but right now you have made things far too comfortable for her to proceed forward in any way (working on marriage or proceeding with a separation or divorce).
As far as your daughter sleeping in your bed with you and your W that needs to stop. The bedroom of a husband and wife is meant for the husband and wife and not the children. If your W is unwilling to adhere to that then she should find another room to sleep in until she is ready to show the marriage bedroom and you the respect it deserves.
The thing about ALL WAS's is they will continue to find reasons not to like you, love you or bash and blame you (even if most of them are not true) so they can keep justifying their decisions to leave the marriage, break a family apart and have an affair.
Your W sounds like she has some issues (ex: depression) but what you have to realize and accept are her issues are her issues to own and rectify and until she is ready to do that, you cant help her at all. Its really easy for her to say she is depressed because of you or the M. Well, that is HER issue and once she owns it (not likely) and fixes it things might change. But a WAS will rarely own up to their issues.
You mentioned in an earlier post you cant compete with the OM. No, you cant so dont even try and stop letting him fill your headspace. Nobody can compete with the new feeling of lust and attention of an OW/OM when they are coming off a bad marriage. Its exciting, romantic, sexy and a whole slew of other things that are too powerful.
So many WAS fear giving their LBS "false hope". But what I rarely see is the LBS worrying that they are giving the WAS false hope that the affairs will continue to be tolerated, that they will be patient forever or they will just be friends forever.
Marriage counseling wont work as long as the OM is in the picture in any capacity. And while your W might have given you small glimmers here and there IMO glimmers after one year simply arent enough. Life is too short to be in limbo over a marriage for years and years on end. You have value and worth and your W needs to know *you* know that even if she doesnt feel it.
The whole "I feel it or I dont" thing is nothing more than Hollywood BS. The people that say marriages shouldnt be work are the ones that usually have the issues.
Right now your W has all the power and control and she knows it. You need to take back your own power but only you can decide how to do that or when you are ready to do it. As long as the OM is still around (I think he is) and she still says you are separated then maybe its time for you to take some steps to show her what *really* being separated is all about.
WAS are usually stunned when the legal part starts and they realize there are consequences to their actions and everything isnt going to be "even Steven" all wrapped up in a neat package. Now, I am not suggesting you have her served papers tomorrow. But I would perhaps start broaching the subject of YOU needing some changes and one of the big changes needs to be to (A) either stop living like roommates and begin a new phase of the R or (B) move forward with some sort of legal separation so you can begin to rebuild your life in a new way.
These are not suggestions I would make to somebody who just got left but in your case this has been going on for a long time and nothing has changed. Or, there hasnt been any substance in the changes.
As much as you need to work on you, the WAS needs to work on them. Usually though the WAS doesnt do the work, especially when an affair is present, because there are no problems in an affair.
Like I said - I am detached from my situation. I have been in intense counseling for 1.5 years and I am speaking from my own personal experience. For months and months I felt worthless to the point of being unable to leave my house. I also have some medical problems that really made the past 1.5 years hell.
I am off to bed - sorry for the novel and I hope I didnt upset you. This is all just my POV based on my experience.
If I had to guess I think your W is still having an affair of some sort and IMO you are making things much too comfortable for her. She has her comfy house, her doting husband, her financial needs met, can bitch and complain about you and the M all she wants because you take it and she gets the fun of the OM. I dont suggest an ultimatum because those rarely will work in your favor but in a way, your actions are telling her that the affair, while not great is acceptable for now.
I would stop with the gifts, dates and any other perks that marriage brings.
Yes, this advice is golden.
Quote:
Let her know that living like roommates is no longer acceptable to you. If she considers herself separated than perhaps its time to take some steps to make that legal - that will mean finances, living arrangements, child custody and so on. Right now she is way too comfortable being separated because nothing is really different for her. Again, that is just my opinion but right now you have made things far too comfortable for her to proceed forward in any way (working on marriage or proceeding with a separation or divorce).
The above is golden- and something I'd wished I had said but couldn't have said it so well.
Also, you had asked me how long I'd been done before I told him? Things had been bad for three years. I clearly remember the night that I knew I was going to tell him I wanted a divorce. When it really hit me I wanted to leave him. It was something silly to do with the kids and him not ever sacrificing for us but I woke up the next day and said to myself "He's never going to be different- he's never going to put me and the kids before himself ever"
I'd had a life altering thing happen to me a few months before the affair. I know I've mentioned that my life was dysfunctional but I did have one person in my life that put me first- my grandmother. I had a hysterectomy one week- and she died suddenly the next week. Heck, he didn't even want to give me time recoop from the hyst- much less grieve for my loss.
See, because I'd been through so much pain over the years and kept going- everyone thought I didn't need that- ohhhhh Kitty is so strong- she can make it. In reality- the only person who'd ever put me before themselves was gone from this earth- and what was I going to do?
Sorry, I got sidetracked.....but I was done for a bit before I told him. Kept trying to find a nice way to tell him.
Did your H make an attempt to change after you told him you wanted a D? If so, did you let him or were you just done? Would anything your H could have done at that point have made a difference?
Did your H make an attempt to change after you told him you wanted a D? If so, did you let him or were you just done? Would anything your H could have done at that point have made a difference?
I had told my exh way before I had the affair or asked for divorce that I would do one of the two if he didn't start working on our marriage. We'd been doing a dance for years. I would ask to have needs met and he would tell me he didn't have time (he pursued hobbies instead). I asked for counseling, etc. He would say he would change and it wouldn't last long. So this would have been I think the 15th or 16th chance.
If there was something he could have done I can't think of what that might be- he tried different things- begging and pleading- which didn't work- and calling me all kinds of names etc.
He and his family made my life a living nightmare. I couldn't run into someone from high school at the grocery who was unaware of what I had done (my exinlaws were prominent in the community). I think they forgot how tough I really was- and all their mistreatment just pushed me in the other direction.
I was done- but I made my own way. There was none of this be separated in the same house because I couldn't afford to do what I wanted to do. I got my own place and moved out. I didn't drag it out. In my opinion you don't get to separate or divorce and live in the same house- that's crazy. Just my opinion- but if a WAS wants to separate then they need to be big enough to just do it.
