He got upset about the whole i'm movin on with life, etc. but he seeme to get it. we talked about work and fried, et. Seeme ok with me having a GR. hard slad with OW in the pictore.
I don't know what happened with that post? - guess it posted while I was still typing thoughts? -
So, we had the talk. He came in to the bar, and looked SO good! We talked some about work, kids, family. I asked him a couple ?s about the sprinklers and S17's basketball hoop. Then he told me that he's still planning to move to the mountains in the fall, and is looking for jobs but it's hard to find something that will cover the bills. Just continues looking.
Then he told me that he plans to file for D before he goes. I cry. He said "are you really surprised"? I told him I wasn't really, but it was hard to hear it. He said he tried to tell me after he got back from Taos. I pointed out that was 2 wks after he left me. So, anyway, I got it back together in the bathroom and came back and told him 'I'm sad, the kids are sad, I have loved you since we met and exchanged 'the look' while we were dancing the first night and for me it was love at first sight, and while this hurts very much, I just want you to be happy and I hope you find what you're looking for'.
Then he got a little emotional. He wiped away tears and got glossy eyed several times throughout the talk. That was a big deal for me b/c he hasn't shown any emotion since he left. We talked some more about moving, where he'd like to be. Talked about our best friends and how things have been weird for them. My BF really let him have it early abt the kids, and they haven't talked really since. Told him she cares a lot and maybe they can work on things. Her H is his boss, and was his best man at the wedding. Things have been tense there too and we talked some about that.
I talked about the kids... they miss him but hide it with apathy and anger. He knows he needs to talk to them too but still no commitment on addressing it. It's like he wants to run away from everything and everyone.
So, that was abt it. Nothing about OW, so I didn't bring it up. In his mind I guess he wanted to meet to tell me he was going to file. Or maybe it was to talk about OW but he changed his mind.
I looked great! Haha! I wore my tightest jeans, flip flops and a top. Casual but put together. Cried all my mascara off, but before that looked good if I do say so myself!
Afterwards, I went to my BF's house and then my sister's place. I was strangely thrilled b/c my H showed emotion. Maybe the shell is cracking...
So, that's about it. The reality is he plans to divorce me. That sucks. Or rather, he says he plans to. Maybe it won't happen. I still feel there is hope. I really do.
So, suggestions at this pt? Stay dark? Try something new? It was pretty friendly... maybe I need to reach out a little in a friendly way. Something to think about.
H asked me more questions about myself this time. He knew from his dad that I ran the 10k and getting out more. He said he was glad to hear that and I needed to do more for myself.
So, I think that shows my emails with FIL have been effective... both maintaining and repairing a R with FIL that is important to me, but also a way of communicating to H while being dark that I am GAL.
I guess maybe he brought that up because it eases his guilt about D - that I'm doing ok and will be alright without him.
Looking at my goals for the evening:
Stay as calm as possible Listen Validate Let myself be REAL Say MUCH less than H - really hear him
I think I did Ok! Yes, I got upset initially but then I pulled it together and we had a good talk. Long enough for 3 beers for him, 2 for me. I listened well, validated, was real, and let him do most of the talking.
I think you held yourself together with class and dignity-great job!
And remember, time is on your side. Just because he says he's going to file for D doesn't mean that he will. Afterall, it's been 4 months and he hasn't filed.
Can you take a trip somewhere that you've never been to right now? Go with your girlfriend or your kids or both, and don't tell your H where you are going. Have fun! Get out of the house for a few days.
The next time he contacts you after you get back from your mysterious getaway, tell him you are thinking about putting your house on the market. When he asks why, just tell him you've been thinking about everything and leave it at that. You will ignite curiosity in him. And he may ask you if you would be interested in moving to the mountains with him.
Hang in there!
Me 40 WAH 43 T 4 years M 9 1/2 months stepson 9 H moved out 3 weeks ago No D filed
You did very well and I'm glad he's showing emotion AFTER you said you wished him happiness and did not guilt him OR pursue him.
Please do NOT pursue him at this point. I'd say stay mysterious. HE IS NOTICING...and he's relaxed enough around you he may actually talk with the kids and see what he is missing without the pressure of you thinking he's changing his mind. He'll pull away then , imo. I can't see how detaching hurts you when HE KNOWS you love him. You just told him again and he sees that you were hurt BUT yes you are a good catch and you are moving on...he's not going to say to himself, "Gee maybe I made a mistake BUT now it's too late since she's getting a life..."
If he wants back in, you will know. Keep on GAL and moving forward and being the author of your life. Regardless of what he does/thinks/feels/says/ he IS noticing, no matter the outcome, to some extent, it is working. It's the best you could reaslistically hope for at this point. (Meaning, seeds were planted...so don't pursue. Be interested and interesting...b/c you are a woman only a fool would leave....)
((( j )))
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 06/11/0907:59 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thx all. I was pretty nervous beforehand that I wouldn't be able to handle it, but it went pretty well! Reflecting today, I realize that I may very well end up divorced which will stink. But, I know I'll be okay. Strong moments today when I felt very sad about this and taking it very personally. Y'know, thoughts like my H doesn't want to be married to me, what's wrong with me, why doesn't he want to even try & work on the R/M. But, I keep coming back to H's comments and emotions last night. It's progress. Even if we get D, I imagine we'll be friendly. But hopefully it won't happen. If I keep working on myself and give H the space and time he needs, only God knows what could happen!
So, improving myself... as you noted, Antlers, this is very important. I've challenged myself in some ways, but I think I can stretch myself much further. No concrete thoughts on this yet, but I'm thinking about this. Secondly, showing love for my beloved... I guess I'm showing love by respecting his space and needs. Being loving in my communications. But there's more to consider in this area too - without pursuing. Something to chew on!
Ok, 25mlc, I agree - no pursuing, stay mysterious. Do things I enjoy, things we used to do together that I'd giving up, and who knows what can happen. I'm going rafting next weekend which is a big GAL activity for me. Not a commercial trip - just rafting with friends, one of whom is a former guide, so it's safe. I rafted before H and I met, and I took him on a trip early in our R with my friends. I think he admired my adventure side early on.. somewhere along the way I lost that when the kids started needing more time/attention with sports, school, etc. This trip will be with mutual friends so H will hear about it. More importantly, I love being on the river. Especially love overnight trips where we camp along the riverbank and get back in the boats in the morning to float further... it'll be awesome!! Yes, Antlers, Colorado is truly beautiful. I'm so glad to live here!
Tmrw, I'm playing tennis with a friend and having another buddy over for pizza on the grille. So, I'll try to keep busy and keep my PMA going strong.
Quote:
Be interested and interesting...b/c you are a woman only a fool would leave....)
Wow! I don't know if I'm there yet, but I'd agree H is being foolish...! I am a work in progress, but getting stronger by the day. Thank God and this board, and my friends and family for that strength!
That is great to do a river trip. I too used to do a lot of kayaking and rafting along with skiing and also lost it along the way when the kids came along.
Funny how when we become parents our focus is on our children and we somehow "put them first" and forget about taking care of ourselves and then after a few fast years we are here, where the message is GAL and take of me first. I think that after many years of taking care of kids, we lose sight of ourselves and I am struggling to get that back.
Good for you on the river trip and be careful!!! The second week of June is traditionally the peak run off so have fun and make sure the PFD is buckled up tight.
H will hear about it and I can assure you he will be like....Humm, and ponder over what was said and how it went and who you sat with etc....If he asks about it you can answer very short and sweet....It was awsome!
Thx all. I was pretty nervous beforehand that I wouldn't be able to handle it, but it went pretty well! Reflecting today, I realize that I may very well end up divorced which will stink. But, I know I'll be okay. Strong moments today when I felt very sad about this and taking it very personally. Y'know, thoughts like my H doesn't want to be married to me, what's wrong with me, why doesn't he want to even try & work on the R/M. But, I keep coming back to H's comments and emotions last night. It's progress. Even if we get D, I imagine we'll be friendly. But hopefully it won't happen. If I keep working on myself and give H the space and time he needs, only God knows what could happen!
So, improving myself... as you noted, Antlers, this is very important. I've challenged myself in some ways, but I think I can stretch myself much further. No concrete thoughts on this yet, but I'm thinking about this. Secondly, showing love for my beloved... I guess I'm showing love by respecting his space and needs. Being loving in my communications. But there's more to consider in this area too - without pursuing. Something to chew on!
Ok, 25mlc, I agree - no pursuing, stay mysterious. Do things I enjoy, things we used to do together that I'd giving up, and who knows what can happen. I'm going rafting next weekend which is a big GAL activity for me. Not a commercial trip - just rafting with friends, one of whom is a former guide, so it's safe. I rafted before H and I met, and I took him on a trip early in our R with my friends. I think he admired my adventure side early on.. somewhere along the way I lost that when the kids started needing more time/attention with sports, school, etc. This trip will be with mutual friends so H will hear about it. More importantly, I love being on the river. Especially love overnight trips where we camp along the riverbank and get back in the boats in the morning to float further... it'll be awesome!! Yes, Antlers, Colorado is truly beautiful. I'm so glad to live here!
Tmrw, I'm playing tennis with a friend and having another buddy over for pizza on the grille. So, I'll try to keep busy and keep my PMA going strong.
Quote:
Be interested and interesting...b/c you are a woman only a fool would leave....)
Wow! I don't know if I'm there yet, but I'd agree H is being foolish...! I am a work in progress, but getting stronger by the day. Thank God and this board, and my friends and family for that strength!
I understand all of what you've said here. Just a few "quickies"...yes it feels personal as he**, but b/c of his other choices, like not seeing the kids and other R's in his life suffering, this is likely NOT about you, so you should probably lose the "what's wrong with me? part of this. Besides, you are working on you, so if there are things in you that needed changing (b/c you are part of the human race, and MIGHT have a flaw or two...) they're being handled already! SOOOOOO NEXT!!
And as for being a "work in progress"...aren't we all? Yes we are. My m is a work in progress & I'll never say "all is well" and end a sentence like that, b/c it's not going to be static again. For better or for worse, it will always be a work in progress just like we are as humans. And finally, remember....sometimes divorce leads to remarriage...it DOES happen.
Stay on track, you are doing well.
((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am a work in progress, but getting stronger by the day. Thank God and this board, and my friends and family for that strength! 