Karen, thanks for your support. I find it so amazing that these WAS act according to script. We might be different people with different lives but it's uncanny how close our sitch really is.
I wish a psychologist has finally figured these men creatures out. That there is a test to do when they are in their 20's so we can tell which ones are going to go thru MLC and which ones are committed and family oriented.
I love my kids and wouldn't swap them for anything in the world but feel like that I had given up 18 yrs of my life to someone who doesn't really care abt me and my emotional wellbeing. What a fool I have been.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Looks like we were typing at the same time and thinking of each other.
Yes, my H is foggy. I thought he has been thinking clearly abt his 'final decision' to leave me and not work on our M but still it's with a foggy mind.
You are so right, he is hurting himself SO MUCH more than he is hurting us. I can handle it, I know I am strong and I have weathered the worst (2nd bomb a year ago). Now, I see my sitch and I see choices, good choices and I feel blessed.
I am the one with good choices, he has made a mess of his life and has to sleep in this mess. God knows what kind of R he's gotten himself into, not good I think. Oh well, I think to myself, 'He is not my problem any longer. I don't need to worry about him anymore.'
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I'm glad you sound as though you're on top of the sitch PM. It's good that you're so focused on your kids and you and getting the best you can.
I must say I'm a bit surprised that your H has suddenly decided to take the kids away for a whole month! Do you think that might help him build a much stronger bond with them? Surely that would be a good thing?
You make me a bit red-faced with your compliments PM. I know for a fact though that there are many guys out there who love kids and would do anything for them. The problem I have with faith though is when women bypass those guys and go for the exciting, bad boy who adopts the 'Treat them mean, keep them keen' way of thinking. It's frustrating when I realise that no matter how much I love Wee Man and how nice a person I am to all those around me, it's still not enough for my W. Aside from all that though, thank you for your kind words PM. For my part I know I would have found this whole experience a lot harder if I hadn't had you in my corner. You've always been an inspiration and a rock when I've needed one.
Kev X
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
You should be surprised because you've misread, it's me who is taking the kids to see my Mom and Dad for a month. H is complaining that it's so long. Though he didn't complain when the original plans was for us three to visit HIS mother.
So, he is feeling things are getting out of control. OK. New situation, new rules. He just hasn't learned that he can't mess up everyone's lives without his own being messed up as well. None of us live on an island. It's all a chain reaction.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Oops, I read your post again and have to admit it makes more sense now! My mistake.
In that case, it's great you've decided to take the kids to see your family. You said it would be much easier for you since your parents would be able to help out a lot more and let you get on with some work. I don't suppose your MIL will take it very well though. Not that you should be worried about that though. His family = not your problem any more. You did well to give him the opportunity to take them to see his Mom in August too.
Oh and one more thing PM,
Originally Posted By: PositvelyMommy
None of us live on an island.
Actually, I do. It's very small! Lol.
Kev X
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
Ha ha. I chuckled out loud when I read your last line! Yes, I live on an island too technically but with one million other people so no that does NOT count.
No, I am sure MIL think of my parents as the evil enemy who has taken the grandbabies away from her. I am sure she doesn't see her hand in this situation but again, I am detaching now and don't really care about how others perceive me. It's a big 180 for me as I was always a people pleaser. But H is taking them to see her so that's good for her.
My BFF's friend came down with breast cancer this month. This lady had gone thru a divorce for two years, no cancer in her family at all. We believe it's the stress that caused her cancer.
So my friends, monitor your stress levels. Do everything to please yourself and take care of your health. Without health, we cannot do ANYTHING. So just let go.
Last edited by PositivelyMommy; 06/09/0902:06 PM.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
i had shingles a few months ago, totally from stress and im still feeling it.
hope your friend is ok and makes it through just fine.
do u live on long island? is that the island u refer to?
if it is, i live there too...
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
PM just checking in. You have made leaps and bounds these past few months.
You have turned into a Goddess! Your H does not know how to handle this woman. He was used to making all the shots and now you are asking questions and making decisions without him. That is a reality check in itself.
Glad you are going to see your family. I will be seeing mine sometime this summer. I need it but it triggers the start of the A last year when D15 and myself went on the visit and H was deep in the A and I had no idea.
Your MIL is now at the mercy of her son. She has lost more than she can imagine.
Take care of yourself.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I am feeling a bit under the weather today so having weird dreams and not being my normally positive self. I can't wait till the kids come back from school. Really miss them today.
mdoodles, I know abt shingles, my H had it at the beginning of all of this. I think the stress of hiding his secret life got to him and he came down with it then pneumonia! He almost died. Most people take an experience like that and thank the lord for a second chance and to change to improve their lives. Nope. Not my H. He drifted into A and fogland. Still has not returned. BTW, I am not in Long Island but it sounds lovely.
Hope, thanks for your clarity. Yes, I guess you are right. I am now a different person and he doesn't know what to do. I know he must be pis*ed off at me but thankfully I have reached detachment and don't care abt what he thinks of me. I am striving for my happiness now (see thread title).
You are also absolutely correct that MIL is at the mercy of her son. Well put. She knows this and that's why she called me in tears. I guess she is regretful now. I was thinking about it today. I read in another thread that there are three entities in a Marriage, the H, the W and then the M itself.
With my MIL, he was trying to nurturing my H and myself concurrently which was fine but she did not stand up for the M. She neglected our M, she disrespected it by meeting and accepting OW and possibly hosting her ( I haven't confirmed this and don't need to). What she doesn't realise is that the M is what holds families together. It's the glue of everyone. So even if you nurture everyone individually, without the M, the solution is piecemeal and the family unit still breaks apart.
So now, the R between her and I are fractured. The R between her and her son is not good, they don't tell each other what they truly think, trying to walk on eggshells. The R between my kids and her and as best as can be at long distance.
My H is the same. He didn't nurture the M. He kept doing the caveman 'I must provide for family' thing then realized he wasn't happy. He didn't connect with kids. He connected with me but betrayed me. So now he is also alone. The glue is not there.
These people don't see the whole picture. They think they will be just fine, everything normal even if the glue, the M, is gone. It's a misconception. They are not fine. The bonds are broken. They are broken people.
Last edited by PositivelyMommy; 06/11/0905:24 AM.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Yep, they're broken and messed up. From what I've seen, the OPs are too. But look at what they're missing and don't even realize. You can distract yourself with cellphones and OPs and stuff like that, but then you miss out on the best stuff in life: mature love and kids and all the important stuff. I guess that's why we try to focus on ourselves and not the WAS: b/c it's sad what they're doing to themselves really.
