I don't want to hijack your thread and I am not ready to start my own yet.
My story in short is married 12 years, S/11, D/9, D/6 and D/19 from first marrige. 11/07 was the ILYBNILWY speech and MC shortly there after. I thought things were better till Feb of this year when I got the "its over" speech when she started up with her job again for the season and she took her ring off. Since then still in same house, with threats of "I am moving out" weekly.
WAW works long hours to avoid me and the kids and I am a stay at home dad. MC over the last couple of months has helped, until last week in counseling she once again says I don't love you anymore and want out. I am trying my best to apply DR and DB principals with some success, but I feel like and MC agrees that no matter what I do or don't do WAW is gone.
This breaks my heart and that is why all I can do is take it one day at a time.
Thanks for the encouragment mnt about reponding,and letting me post here.
I'm glad you posted your story and I'm sorry you're in this situation. I honestly don't know if it's easier if the WAS is still in the house or not. Pros and cons I guess, but I think as long as your W is there, you have an opportunity that I didn't to really show her you're getting on with your life (GAL) and even though you're not happy with her choices, you're going to be OK. Act 'as if', do those 180's. Since you're the SAH dad, I'm sure you need some time away from home to yourself. Make plans to do the things you used to enjoy and may have given up. Reconnect with old friends. Try something new.
Even though the MC thinks it's over, it doesn't mean it is. What's in your heart? Do you want to keep fighting for your M? If so, pay no mind to the nay-sayers and think positive thoughts and become the guy that only a fool would leave!
Oh, and although my H left us, from what I've read if your wife tries to get you to move out, don't do it. She can leave if she's determined, and you can't control her actions. But if you don't want the S or D, then don't leave if you can help it!
meeting H somewhere after work tmrw. At this particular moment, I'm really irritated! It's like he's kicked me to the ground by leaving, and now he says we 'need to meet'. What, to kick me when I'm down!! Ugh! Just expressing the emotion I'm feeling at the moment. And I keep crying today! I don't even now what he's going to say! Crazy!!
So, we'll see how it goes tmrw. Goals:
Stay as calm as possible Listen Validate Let myself be REAL Say MUCH less than H - really hear him
Take what you just posted and start your own thread. As you'll find out from others here, it's not over till it's over. There's still hope if you believe.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hang tough during the talk. Is there a way that you could say what it's about? I know he said he didn't want to do it over texting, but he can't expect you to sit there on pins and needles, especially if you are not in the right frame of mind to confront him right now.
If you can't look him in the eye and just validate what he says and stand strong, then you're not ready.
If you do intend to go through with the meeting, then just remember this. You are the strong one here. You are the one who stood up in the face of uncertainty and faced the unknown while he ran away with his tail between his legs. Go with no fear knowing that you are like the mother wolf that is guarding her children and her home.
What your H decides to do is his decision NOT yours. Sometimes it helps to imagine your H as the crazy homeless guy on the street corner just talking nonsense. I don't think he's going to bring up any reasons that you hadn't heard already.
Pray for the best and expect the worst. But none of it takes away who you are. Gain your confidence back and dig in your heels. You can do it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
While I don't know what he wants to talk about, I realized last night that I absolutely have to hear what he wants to say. If we eventually reconcile, I have to listen, validate and be strong. If we never reconcile, hearing what's on his mind is also important for my recovery and moving on as necessary. Either way, he wants to talk so I will listen.
Thanks, Stuck, for the great suggestions on the meeting. A crazy homeless guy... I love that! If I were talking with one, I'd nod my head, listen but not argue b/c it wouldn't do any good. I'll imagine that tonight along with the mother wolf.
I am taking control over my reality. I'm going to finish raising my teenagers, be good to myself, have fun, be responsible, and end up better than ever. 25 wrote here many pages ago that I need to be the author of my life. How do I want to write the next chapter? What do I want to say about tonight's meeting... it's certainly not that I sobbed the entire time, or got angry or defensive. Hopefully, I'll go into it with a sense of peace, no fear, and know that God is walking in the door with me and will give me the strength I need to listen to my husband and be real.
I just wanted to chime in and wish you a good meeting with H.
I watched this movie "The Holiday" and one line really stayed with me. A guy says to Kate Winslet, "Why are you living as a supporting actress in your own life? Shouldn't you be the Leading Lady in your own life?"
I try to think of myself as the leading lady when I am talking to H now. I can't do it for as long as I would like, but, it is getting better with each practice.
Its all about your frame of mind....now add on the homeless guy image that stuck gave (OH MAN!!! I LOVE THAT & WILL USE THAT!!!!), you will be golden.
I think you have it right....talk less than him , listen openly, validate. And remember your goal tonight is to start being the leading lady of your life! I think you are going to do great! You area sexy, strong, fierce, intelligent, and patient leading lady!
You are right. I will start my own thread when I am ready. I do have hope and believe that if I continue DB'ing then I will make it through all of this. A little backslide this AM, but still taking it one day at a time.
Mnt,
Be strong and confident. You can make it through the meeting. Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.
45 mins until the big 'talk'. I think I've prepared as much as I can. I will probably get caught off guard and hope to just take deep breaths and know I can get through it. I want to be the leading lady... always have since I was Adelaide in 'Guys and Dolls'. Come to think of it, she waited something like 14 years for her man to commit...!
Be Patient. Love. Be kind. Listen.
I'll post later tonight - hope to do you all proud!
