As for "scheduled check in meetings"...um, let them have an opportunity one on one to tell you how they feel and leave it open ended as in, "well if not now, whenever you feel like talking let me know"....and eventually they will probably open up IF they think you can handle it. Know what I mean? I just think something about scheduling it doesn't sound like a teenager way of approaching it. But that's maybe just my kids. Car rides and bed time are of course, when you get stuff sprung on you so be prepared. The night before D20 left for Europe we were driving to get something for the trip at the last minute, she gave me the "Why should I try with dad? YOU are recon and all but he chose to not to be part of MY life so...etc" and she was totally entitled to feel that way as what she said IS true, in effect. But he wants back into her heart and she wants to want to let him back in, if you know what I mean. So the trip was a good good thing.
But then yesterday When I mentioned to d20 the 'adjustment period" it'll take when he gets here from his mom's (mil has brain tumors now, from the lung cancer so....) and the d's and I have been on our own here a long time, d20 said, "What's new? His long hours and being gone always meant we'd have to "ADJUST to him..." and that's TRUE, unfortunately. See, the whole reconciling is just a big step but it's not the top of the stairs by any means. Yi yi yi. (SIGH)
But like I said, the timing of the questions is amazing, the car rides, the bed times... LIke as you are shutting out their light to say good night and the "one last question" is something like "so why do you believe in God?" I recall that question and thinking, "man if that is a bed time delay tactic it's brilliant!"
Oh, I took the SERIOUS lawm mower mulcher thing that also chops down trees and it worked! I have "deforested the Amazon like a nasty corporation" and have a lawn now. Probably less of a fire hazard too. Yay, ME!
So MTN, back to YOU!!
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
H came by this morning very quickly and got the title and mail. Think he noticed I was still wearing my ring. Asked S17 how he is feeling and he said "whatever, I don't really care". D16 didn't even come out to say hi.
Got a text tonight from H that we need to talk some night this week. Told him I was busy and asked what's up. He said he didn't really want to text about it and to let him know when I have time.
I'm crying as I type this... I'm sure in my heart that he wants to admit to seeing OW and will want me to move on. I don't think I can handle seeing him face to face and hearing the awful truth. If it's not the OW, what else could it be that's so serious?
I don't think I can act like I'm doing okay and hear these things... Could I ask him to call me? Or do I need to wait until I'm stronger and can see him? I don't even know what to say... I thought I was doing ok but I don't want to know what I think I know in my heart. This hurts so much.
My heart goes out to you. Do whatever makes YOU the most comfortable. If you think you'd rather talk on the phone, then you have that right. If you'd rather just email him and ask him what it's about, then do that. And if you want more time before you have this talk, take all the time you need. Treat yourself with dignity and he will respect that.
You are a strong woman and you WILL get through this even stronger no matter what the outcome.
Me 40 WAH 43 T 4years M 9 1/2 months sep. 3 weeks stepson 9
I know I'd be more comfortable over the phone, but as I think through this, that would make it too easy for him. He needs to do it face to face. I may not keep it together, but I won't beg or plead. I guess I'll try to practice what I've been learning on this site... validate, tell him I disagree that we can't work out, but understand how he feels. Any effective phrases that anyone wants to throw out here would be wonderful!
I was pleasant this morning... we made eye contact, and for a moment it was just like we used to look at each other. Now he's wanting to have 'the talk'. You're right though, MT, I will come out the other side stronger. As I read somewhere else today, our WAS are on a journey, but we are too... left behind but not stuck unless we choose to be. I choose to carry on.
Thanks for the great ideas with the teens... Yes, car rides work well for us too, and sometimes bedtime. I'll give that one a try. I agree my kids wouldn't like it scheduled either... Thanks for your advice - I plan to follow it. Your D20 has had a tough time with her D gone... I hope they can continue rebuilding their R. Life is too short to stay angry for long.
So, you will see my posts about the encounter today. Very short but I thought maybe there was a connection. Probably just guilt and now he wants to clear his conscience.
Back to you... WAY TO GO with the Amazon! Very nicely done! Doesn't it feel awesome to accomplish some of those chores that have just been sitting around waiting for someone to do something about it. And rather than waiting, you took charge. Nice!
I did have a good weekend. My son's basketball team finished 3rd in a Denver-area tournament against some tough varsity clubs. So that was nice, and a good distraction. I've got my C appt tmrw and she may actually see me cry tmrw. She's been commenting how strong I am and at peace... well, the facade is falling off and it's time to dig deep and figure out what I'm so afraid of. He already left me. I know I can survive without him. I know I can and will take good care of my children. So, what am I so worried about... rejection, having a door closed forever, what?! Maybe she can help me role play possible scenarios and how to respond.
I just really want to keep it together but the tears just come sometimes...
He already left me. I know I can survive without him. I know I can and will take good care of my children. So, what am I so worried about... rejection, having a door closed forever, what?!
The rejection hurts bad! The potential loss of all of your hopes and dreams for your future with your spouse hurts big time too! I understand. They've left, and we know we will survive without them, if it turns out that way. We will continue to love our kids and care for them. But it still hurts...bad!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Yes it sucks. But the things is, if he SAYS "it's over" what does it really change? It lessens the chances of a recon but it does not eliminate them. It probably will free you up some to move forward more. But who knows the future? Could he possibly say, "Hey I'm marrying OW"? Yes he could and that will hurt a great deal. I'd have to make him say it in person if it were me, BUT I'm not you.
Say very little too. I mean sometimes a "look" can say it all without making you "wrong to say it" b/c you didn't say "it"...kwim?
Don't say something you'll regret. You can say if it IS worst case scenario, WHILE CALM, "I'm sorry you are making this choice. I'd do things differently if I could do them over, but I can honestly say I've loved you more deeply than you'll ever know, and that's a lot to lose. But I Hope you find what you're looking for..."
and leave it at that. Do attend to details about contact with the kids for they feel very hurt and it IS a rejection of them due NOT to his choice of OW so much as HIS absence!! You could be the worst woman in the world but what excuse does he have for dropping off the face of the earth from THEM? Be calm about it and say you won't stand in the way of their R and you encourage it, hope for it, and frankly, he should step up to the plate on that front. He knew you had kids when he married you and said he'd be their dad/stepdad so what's up with that? (BE CALM!! Encouraging the R's, not demanding....a fine line indeed...)
Now, when it comes to money and property, you let the L"s handle that as much as possible. It's not going to be pretty. So let them do the ugly stuff so you are not associated with it. IF by chance you have one of those great situations in which you both agree on all things, FINE get it in writing and skip the L' s EXCEPT TO HAVE ONE LOOK AT ANYTHING BEFORE YOU SIGN IT...EVEN IF YOU PAY FOR 2 HOURS OF THEIR TIME, YOU'RE CRAZY NOT TO...
And let HIM tell the kids something for God's sake. Finally he wants to speak in person! Okay, LISTEN. Let him talk. Don't let him the M revise too much but validate (else you'll confirm those negative justifications), you want him to see a woman SO dignified and confident and understanding WHILE hurting, that he's gotta wonder if he's making the right choice....like our s23 said, when he broke up with his gf recently and she cried but said, "No hard feelings you are such a great guy, I love you, wish you the best, etc" and HE CRIED and asked me if I thought he'd done the right thing. It got to him. FWIW. Of course I have a nice son and he's only 23 (today!)
You can say you "don't recall things that way" and you are "sorry he does" if he revises a lot negatively, but don't argue. And again, I'm just saying this stuff IF it is the worst thing that he tells you. It might not be.
He could ask if there's a chance for a recon....but be ready for the worst okay? The Jared thing and all the rest....be ready. Be strong as you know you are.
HUGS HUGS HUGS....damn I feel bad for you. He's an idiot.
((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Don't say something you'll regret. You can say if it IS worst case scenario, WHILE CALM, "I'm sorry you are making this choice. I'd do things differently if I could do them over, but I can honestly say I've loved you more deeply than you'll ever know, and that's a lot to lose. But I Hope you find what you're looking for..."
Thanks - that helps and it's true. I can't pretend anymore that I'm just fine b/c I'm not. He is an idiot and we didn't deserve this. Nothing was so bad that he needed to just abandon us.
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Do attend to details about contact with the kids for they feel very hurt and it IS a rejection of them due NOT to his choice of OW so much as HIS absence!! You could be the worst woman in the world but what excuse does he have for dropping off the face of the earth from THEM? Be calm about it and say you won't stand in the way of their R and you encourage it, hope for it, and frankly, he should step up to the plate on that front. He knew you had kids when he married you and said he'd be their dad/stepdad so what's up with that? (BE CALM!! Encouraging the R's, not demanding....a fine line indeed...)
I think my goal here is to advocate for them without it sounding like a guilt trip (which my BF used on him). There really is no excuse for not talking to them, but what he's said is that he wanted to talk to them but didn't know what to say. Lame. Yes, he knew I came with kids and he loved us all so deeply. Kind and generous to a fault. He was a great role model and friend to them... suddenly it's all been seemingly forgotten.
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Finally he wants to speak in person! Okay, LISTEN. Let him talk. Don't let him the M revise too much but validate (else you'll confirm those negative justifications), you want him to see a woman SO dignified and confident and understanding WHILE hurting, that he's gotta wonder if he's making the right choice...
Your son sounds very sweet - you raised him well. Yes, I do see the chance to talk face to face as a bright spot. I'll do my very best to project understanding and control, yet I am hurting and I think he needs to know that he's hurt me and hurt the kids.
Yes, I agree - I am feeling like it's the worst possible outcome and my mind is working overtime (since 3am this morning) on those scenarios, but will hope for the best.
Thanks to you and Antlers for your replies! I was so anxious to come home tonight and log in to check! Haha! I saw my IC today. She validated much of this... ok to be hurting, be real but not a begging, whimpering fool... I'm hurt but I'll get along okay. She asked me to make sure I do something fun this week... I couldn't name anything specifically I'd done to have fun so that's probably part of my funk.
I haven't contacted H back again to set up a time for the meeting. Thinking maybe Wed night... that'll give me some time to prepare and I don't want to be too quick to get together with H just yet. Also don't want to carry it out until the weekend.
Long time lurker here following your sitch. I am sensing that I am going to be getting the same kinda news here and have had a WAW for almost three months now. I know it hurts, and you have heard this before, but take care of you and your kids and take it one day at a time.
Thx Tundra... Lurk no more! Start a thread and tell us what's going on so we can try to offer mutual support. Or just respond here and fill me in.
3 months is an eternity, isn't it? And yet, it may go on for much, much longer so we have to pace ourselves. Thanks for the reminder... it is one day at a time and today is much better than I was feeling last night. Thanks!
