W is having Affair -- may leave soon -- thread 2

[SavingMyMarriage]

I decided to move over from the Newcomer's forum.

Quick background: My W had EA&PA from Jul-Oct w/OM from work. She said she would end A in Oct and things were great until end of Dec08. In Jan, she said she wasn't sure if we would end up together. I started DBing and end of Mar09 she approached me to talk about R and said she didn't know what to do (good conversation -- sounded 50/50 positive versus the 20/80 in Jan). Things went downhill afterwards and on 5/8 she said she didn't want R or M w/me anymore.

On 6/3 she said she was going out of town to Wash DC to baseball game w/OM (the A w/OM from her work is back now – they both now work in same dept). I was calm at first, but fell off DB wagon and pleaded w/her to stay -- I asked her to visit a female friend versus going w/OM. My point in doing so was that I didn't want her R w/OM to strengthen. Anyway, she went and she hasn't called me or texted me since she left Fri. Would like some suggestions please... What should I say or do when she returns on Sun afternoon?

Do I ask her how the game was or do I ask what they saw in Wash DC? I have a feeling that she might talk about moving out or maybe going away again w/OM. It’s completely unfair, but I will handle it better (the DB way) if she does it again. I just want to ensure I handle it appropriately when she returns on Sunday.

Thanks in advance for reading.
My Thread #1 is in Newcomer's: "Wife said she doesn't want to be in Marriage"

[InLikeFlynn]

Do I ask her how the game was or do I ask what they saw in Wash DC?

Are you kidding me??? This needs to stop!!! She is doing this right in your face. Don't even talk to her. Either you or her has to leave the house!!! Its time to re-evaluate who you are married to!!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Anyway, she went and she hasn't called me or texted me since she left Fri. Would like some suggestions please... What should I say or do when she returns on Sun afternoon?

I would pack up her stuff and leave it stacked neatly on the porch or in the garage, and change the locks.

I'm dead serious. Get your balls back, man. This supplicating thing is NOT attractive to her, and it's NOT working.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Do I ask her how the game was or do I ask what they saw in Wash DC?

Maybe you could ask her how their lovemaking went, too?

Good gosh!

[RustyShackleford]

I would pack up her stuff and leave it stacked neatly on the porch or in the garage, and change the locks.

I'm dead serious. Get your balls back, man. This supplicating thing is NOT attractive to her, and it's NOT working.

Puppy

I concur. BTDT. My wife did the same thing. I did the "DB" after her trips with OM, and it failed miserably.

Grow a pair.

[DCBHM]

Get your balls back, man.

QFT.

I ended up packing up my WAW's stuff in bags, changing the locks, and setting firm boundaries about when she can/cannot come.

I haven't had a reconciliation - but I feel much better about the situation.

[karen43]

I agree. If you're not willing to have an open marriage with your wife having OM, then you should follow Puppy's advice. I'm sure he advised the same to me, and I know I just lost so much self-respect and self-confidence by allowing my H to get away with stuff like that. I also think if you don't do it, your W will lose respect for you also. Doormats are not very attractive (and I say this from experience)... Karen

[SavingMyMarriage]

Thanks for all your replies. If I pack her bags, I highly doubt she will be returning. I don't want to be a doormat, but I don't want to push her away towards OM. Once she is out of the house, I think that it would that much more difficult.

I'm thinking what would Jesus do in this situation? I know the doormat thing isn't attractive and she knows perfectly well that this is hurting my feelings. I don't want to argue or give her the silent treatment when she returns -- I believe that will make her very uncomfortable.

I know that she was very insecure growing up and that she is still somewhat insecure as an adult. The OM is giving her the attn and "love" that I was not unfortunately. She believes that I do not really love her. She asked me on a number of occasions if I really love her and at the end of MAR09 asked me if she was the love of her life. The answer: yes, yes, and absolutely yes. The problem was that I had difficulties showing this. Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. Thanks again.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Even Jesus knew when to throw over the moneychangers' tables. Time for some righteous indignation, in my opinion.

Or, you can keep doing what you're doing, and getting the same results.

Puppy

[DCBHM]

I don't want to be a doormat, but I don't want to push her away towards OM.

Quite frankly... you have to be prepared to push her towards OM so that the fantasy is tested with reality.

If she is forced to OM as her only alternative:
1. She will return to you and work on your M.
2. She will run to OM and:
a. They live happily ever after
b. The relationship fails after 6 months

Just break it down, and try to suppress your emotions around her. I'm as hardcore as they come I think, and still this morning I find myself agonizing over wanting to reach out. You just have to remind yourself of what is happening.