almost bought that book today but got the CD book called "Advancing Your Spirit" with Wayne Dyer and Marianne Williamson for my jog/walks and the Eat Pray and Love was not on cd...next trip.
Small trips are cool too. The first Christmas when H rushed back to work the 27th of December, back to his heroes and his/their JOB...I took the kids skiing to a place 2 hours away. It was good b/c I had not taken them anywhere overnight without him before...and we got stuck in the snow and had chains SOMEWHERE in the car, and I felt stupidly helpless as did s19 then, and it got stuck in a blizzard and I was kind of freaking out looking for the f- cabin I had rented for 4 days -and we were driving in the dark without street lights and we were searching for over 3 hours!! and could not find the dang place...and THEN the car slid on the ice and got totally stuck in the snow in God knows where, so we went up to a house to ask where the hell the place was or if we could use a landline since our cell was not working in the mountains but the house we got stuck in front of, WAS THE CABIN WE HAD RENTED I SWEAR...It was so weirdly coincidental my faith questioning son had to admit..."That was crazy Lucky" and I said, Thanks for the MIRACLE God!"
Had a blast. Short fun trip with lots of playing cards and watching films at night and skiing during the day. That trip gave me the confidence for the big one in 06, and I promised myself I would not be "alone" for that day, and WOULD be celebrating the M's achievements, which was at the very least, 3 great people in my life.and it was such an empowering trip AND btw, PLANNING IT WAS HUGELY FUN WITH THE KIDS (like foreplay for ml I guess) as d20 (then 16) and I would read together about Italy and I could tell she needed that "hope" for fun and getting out of the funk h's leaving put us in.... I wish more had been done this time but h was overloaded and kids were not all here but it worked well enough as YOURS TRULY IS THE PLANNER, and somehow we flew in from 3 diff cities, met in NYC and went together to see the shows in Bonn, and then continue on...But the past trip OH YES H noticed big time, I learned later. He resented it at first, but was ashamed too. So this trip was a bit of a get even in a good way, and now HE can join in the talks and memories and be a part of them too. We only went places we had not gone before and I understood that. H mentioned to me "Next trip let's just go the two of us" which was pretty cool to say and hear....So yeah it was really very nice but NO, I would NOT have predicted this past trip WITH H, if you had asked me 3 years ago...I thought that would never happen and so I took the trip and you are right. It was sooo NOT a tactic.
It was ME doing something I wanted and needed and cannot explain another way. Best money I ever spent too. (Besides, I figured if I had to "borrow" then half the debt would be h's and I may as well get the trip on a discount!!) Hey, wait, that MIGHT be something your guys are thinking too....
Seriously, if anything is worth borrowing for ( nothing insane) then something that helps you heal AND yields great memories and proves you can LIVE without the h and still be a family AND have FUN and laugh really hard and NOT THINK OF THEM seems like a good investment b/c nothing in Rome reminded me of H, trust me......so geez...wacky things Do happen.
So we just went to Germany, Budapest (long story but that place is cheap, exotic and REALLY Stunning in it's natural beauty and history and architecture and cool) and finally VENICE with its' old laid back feel to it and it's just as beautiful in its own way. Both cities should be seen. We wanted to see Budapest anyhow but since it was so cheap compared to Venice, it kind of "evened" out the costs of seeing Venice, if you know what I mean. We have a family of 5 after all. Usually means two hotel rooms and lots of restaurants plus activities....But the airfares last month were literally HALF what I paid in '06, and the apartments (way cheaper than two hotel rooms AND they have kitchens to eat SOME meals in) were from $150 to $275 a night, for ALL of us...including Venice. Beats getting two hotel rooms (without kitchens or privacy) each...so maybe start with a ski or BEACH TYPE trip (MTN Enough of the snow for what's his name, you go somewhere warm my friend, F the snow for now...(meow!! I'm retracting my cat like claws now....)
Yeah, glad you enjoyed the rota rooter guy statement. Here's my other "I'm Learning the male's world of plumbing stuff" lingo....AN Australian contractor (maybe it's diff there) who stared at the damage from the water heater breaking and then "raining on my downstairs" rec room...He saw the "seams" and all and said, "You sure will need a lot of caulk" And I nodded silently not able to say a word (like, "Yeah I know I do, but h is gone...") but then he said that b/c the marble/granite was so dark, " you can have any color caulk you want..." On that note. Gotta sleep! (( J- ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I thought it was so KICK A** to rent a chipper & just chip away!!! I am feeling so anxious about renting a 16 ft truck in driving it 900 miles! But reading ur backyard story totally made me feel excited! It's going to be a total adventure! & I will have accomplished the thing that I would have never done before!
So I just wanted to say "WOW"!
I love that trips are being planned without H! We were finally going to start taking vacations! A friend of mine asked if I wanted to take a trip with her in November & I said I would see....cuz I wanted to keep my vacation time open in case H comes back. Ohhhh that just sounded pathetic!
You are doing great being so proactive with ur life!
Thanks for the encouragements. Today was one of those days that H was on my brain... which just bums me out lately. The day started off well enough, but then I went to see my C. Hadn't been in almost a month and she was wondering what happened to me. Need to remember to be consistent, and schedule the next appt before I leave the office.
We talked a lot about events, the lunch meeting, moving tools out, how I reorganized the garage and chipped the wood (she liked that!) and H's behavior lately. We got into a discussion about H's family HX and wondering if H might be bi-polar. His dad and sister are, and frequently it comes to a head in the early 30's. With his impulsiveness, depression, unusual decisions, etc. she wondered if he might be BP as well. We both agreed there's nothing I can do about it, if that's the case for H. Part of me wants to reach out to him or a family mbr re: the possibility, but a MUCH BIGGER part of me knows that's not my place rt now and any efforts in that regard would probably back fire on me. Stay detached, work on myself. Period.
Whether it's an early MLC, a disorder like BP or just a full-fledged A, H is the only one that control his actions. And right now, he just doesn't care. At some point, he may come out of his fog and we'll see where we are at that point. Until then, I just keep truckin' along.
Y'know, I'm kinda irritated I spent an hour with C talking about H. I guess we didn't have to, but that's the way the conversation went, and I really don't want to waste more time on what might be going on with him. Whatever it is, I have to let go and leave this in God's hands. I'm doing pretty well with my GAL activities and moving ahead, and spending time analyzing H seems futile.
Our situations are so very similar. I have wanted to journal for a while and believe I need to restart again. Thanks for your posts as they are proving to be very helpful to me!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Journaling is important - gets the feelings down on the page and it's interesting to read back at where we started and how we're coming along. I looked for your sitch, ME, but didn't find it. Time to give us an update maybe?
Nothing much to update mnt. Haven't heard a word from him. I haven't contacted him since the last email I sent apologizing for freaking out on him when I found out he was having an EA/PA? with my now ex best friend (May 9th). I wasn't apologizing for being upset. I was apologizing for the venom that spewed from my mouth. I don't get mad often because when I do I go for the jugular and can hurt you with what I know is your weakness. It's not something I am particularly proud of and it is why I keep my temper in check for the most part. I stopped checking on his MSN profile and his youtube account as it felt like borderline stalking and it wasn't helping me to detach. I am working out more and doing more for myself and my children. I am working. I have plans to do some serious summer cleaning as well as some plans for some summer fun. Thanks for looking for my sitch. I took it out of my signature because there really isn't anything to update. I will start journaling again. I am also going to start keeping up with things on my blog. I joined the facebook group for divorce busting.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
I think you're doing well. Too bad you haven't heard from H, I can relate to that, but you are taking good care of yourself and your children. Do journal or use your blog to do the same, because you are growing... you are detaching by not checking his accounts, and being aware of your temper and how you react is important for your personal growth.
It's been a quiet week so far. Hs is back from his vacation with OW, but he still hasn't talked to me about anything... no idea if they are really seeing each other or not, if the Jarads bill means it's serious and he got her something (ring?), if he ever plans to talk to the kids about things, if he even thinks about us or feels sad or unsure...
The only communication is about bills and always via text. He asked again today about the title for his old truck. I have found it, but part of me doesn't want to cooperate... a bigger part knows it's the right thing to do, and turning over the title doesn't change anything.
Ran today at the Y which felt good. Call from a mutual friend of ours. Asked me to go to a bbq this weekend and rafting with him and other friends in two weeks. I hope to do both. Not sure but get the feeling he may be interested in me. I'm not but figure it'd be fun, and maybe he'll have some insight into H's current mindset.
Also saw my family tonight at a bbq. I am picking up vibes that most of them are not hopeful H will ever come around. They are all Christians and pray for us, but just want me to stop hurting I guess. I need to limit the discussions, b/c like talking abt the Jareds bill just makes me obsess and I don't want to. SMW mentioned on another thread that I should try to surround myself with positive supporters - church, etc. Everyone here has been wonderful as well. I wish everyone thought about saving M's like we do! And we may not save the marriage in the end, but we save ourselves with our healthier attitudes and taking care of ourselves.
I got some extra tools from my BIL for my garage - yea! Little things like a wrench and pliers make me happy!
Listened to my mom (77 yo) play the piano tonight. Felt like I was 10 again, just hearing the classical pieces, totally relaxed and not a care in the world. Not much time left with either of my parents so it was nice to just be in that moment and appreciate it fully.
H is coming by the house tmrw. Wants the title for his old truck. I was proud of myself for texting him back that I thought we should split the sale price - no response to that message yet. I thought about not being a doormat and he was probably just hoping I wouldn't ask, so I decided to just ask and I could use the money.
So, we'll see how it goes tmrw. The kids will be here and they haven't seen their stepdad for months. H still hasn't talked to them about his decision to separate, etc. Doubt much will happen in the morning b/c I think he's just stopping by for his bills and the title.
I'll be sure to look cute and be happy and glad to see him, but reserved as well.
I think one of the hardest parts of this limbo-land is that we are physically separated. Very few opportunities to see each other or talk about things... so I have to make every encounter count, without acting like it's a big deal! ugh!
I told the kids H was coming by tmrw and suggested if they could be nice or friendly, it might ease any tension. My S seemed agreeable, but my D clearly is still angry. She said she didn't owe him friendly or nice... (and she's one of the sweetest 16 yo girls you'd ever meet). I had to validate that she has every right to be upset and it's up to her how she handles things with him tmrw. May be a non-issue if he's in and out in 5 mins. But with so little interaction btw the two of us, or the kids and H, tmrw seems like a big deal.
I don't know what else to do about her anger, other than supporting her right to be upset.
I was thinking maybe my kids and I should have a regular time to just check in and see how everyone's doing... I've been trying to protect them, but not talking about what's going on isn't working well with these teenagers... I think I need some ideas!
