That is a phenomenal, phenomenal post. I know Smiley's thread gets lots of traffic, so I hope many will read that and really consider it.
I love the "not attractive" thing, and I think it can be used by both sexes in a lot of different contexts. It works with men VERY well, when for example they're being whiny or even when one is lying to you, for the woman to say "Please stop doing that -- it's very unattractive." Even spouses who purport to be running away from you and the marriage as fast as they can, will stop in their tracks when you tell them that what they're doing "isn't attractive."
Amazing post and very very true. I have experienced both sides and you are so exactly right.
Quote:
There is no trick involved in getting this to work, you just have to mean it, it has to be genuine - if you're just saying words but there is no real meaning behind it, they can tell, they have great intuition with this stuff.
That is sooooooo right. As a WAS I sensed H shift from fighting for understanding and M to letting me go. No words needed. I sensed it and body language said it all.
As a LBS I tried to say the words which I thought were true , that I no longer cared about H. But I was kidding myself. It took time and GAL and a sense of self.
My silence did and continues to speak volumes and I feel good. I feel unburdened, liberated I suppose. This is DB. I am heading for a place in my life when i will make good choices , and that may be with H or it may be with someone else. Whoever it is, it will be right. It wont hurt.
Just a brief update from another WAW-free weekend. Yesterday evening WAW e-mailed to ask if we could "talk about today's miscommunication" (the Great Medium E-Mail Imbroglio of 2009). I replied, "That sounds like a good idea."
And so after the kids went to bed, down WAW came. Sat down on the sofa. "So?"
SP: Ummmm, sooooooo, what, exactly? WAW: What did you want to talk about? SP: Ummmmmm, huh? I thought you wanted to talk about the argument today. WAW: Yeah. What do you have to say about it?
Now at this point you might be just as puzzled as I. But it went along, not sure how, and after half an hour we got to the point where we were at after the argument. Essentially everything I do is wrong.
We moved from there to my reaction to the divorce papers service (accepting, but irritated). And then to the recurring topic of guilt over the kids, how terrible next weekend will be, etc.
And I listened and validated. She didn't ask me for my feelings and I didn't offer them.
When she said "You must hate me," I told her that, while I hate the situation and I hate what it says about our marriage and what it will do to the kids and etc., I don't hate her. I understand that, from her POV, this is what she has to do to survive -- I disagree, but I understand.
And when she observed that I was "obviously moving on -- any 'lunches' this week?" I replied that we do what we have to do, but I do miss her, I miss the little things that added up to the marriage in my mind -- to which she replied she never noticed I liked them during the marriage, etc. -- and that at least I was learning from the experience for the benefit of myself and the two youngsters and all the future ex-Mrs. Smiley's Persons. To which she laughed and went to bed.
And that was that. She left this morning and will be back at bedtime tomorrow night.
On the bad news front, it appears that my job might be in some jeopardy. Which, among other things, will exacerbate the spousal support issue to the -nth degree.
But that is a problem for another day, said Scarlett O'Smiley.
For now, SmileyBob MojoPants is Ready. Ready, ready, ready.
but I do miss her, I miss the little things that added up to the marriage in my mind -- to which she replied she never noticed I liked them during the marriage, etc.
She never noticed? How could she have missed that?
You have such an opportunity here, Smiley Pants. She's telling you something very important here. VERY.
Cheers ~
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
On the bad news front, it appears that my job might be in some jeopardy. Which, among other things, will exacerbate the spousal support issue to the -nth degree.
On the bad news front, it appears that my job might be in some jeopardy. Which, among other things, will exacerbate the spousal support issue to the -nth degree.
While the "possibility" may be a downer for you personally, it may be a silver lining as far as being a speed bump for WAW; she may now worry about extra child support too. You see the WAW invariable does some wishful financial analysis before putting on her walking shoes.
On the bad news front, it appears that my job might be in some jeopardy. Which, among other things, will exacerbate the spousal support issue to the -nth degree.
While the "possibility" may be a downer for you personally, it may be a silver lining as far as being a speed bump for WAW; she may now worry about extra child support too. You see the WAW invariable does some wishful financial analysis before putting on her walking shoes.
Almost always, yes. It's part of the typical wayward fantasy.
She never noticed? How could she have missed that?
You have such an opportunity here, Smiley Pants. She's telling you something very important here. VERY.
I don't know how she could have missed it. Honestly -- not being deliberately obtuse. I only told her, in words, writing, and action, half-a-million times. I suspect that comment was part of the necessary re-writing. She's said herself on a number of occasions recently "I can't remember anything good."
(Constructed) example:
Scene: One night in the bedroom, circa 2005. SP gets into bed, slides over next to Herself, who is reading.
WAW: What? Am I supposed to turn out the light now? SP: No, it doesn't bother me. I just like being next to you. WAW: How can you sleep with a light on? You can't sleep with a light on! *Sigh* Okay, I'll turn the light out. SP: No, Term of Endearment; you don't have to. It really doesn't bother me. I'd rather fall asleep here, next to you, with the light on, than not be next to you. WAW: Are you sure? SP: Of course I'm sure. It's the closeness. I like the closeness.
Scene: Sofa convo, 2 (3?) days ago:
SP: I miss the closeness. The physical closeness. Like falling asleep while you're reading. WAW: Really? I never knew you liked that.
Well...... bonk, bonk, bonk.
@fb2: Yes, the job situation has its upside, but in the Grand Scheme Of Things I'd just as soon not have to deal with any additional turbulence on this flight. Still, buy the ticket, take the ride.
@AlexEN: "after reading today's somewhat prophetic SplungeBlog". No comprendo.
@Gypsy:
Quote:
Do you see your wife as your emotional confidant?
Does she see you as hers?
All I can say is "used to." I think after my return from the war, she stopped. Or, more precisely, she stopped DURING the war, partly in an attempt to insulate me from her own turbulence.
@aliveandkicking: Sure I've considered punditry. Know any major television news networks who are short a talking head?? For punditry you need a really crappy book that gets a lot of attention. Maybe after the Big Divorce Book is published I'll get on Oprah. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, talk about fantasy.
For punditry you need a really crappy book that gets a lot of attention. Maybe after the Big Divorce Book is published I'll get on Oprah. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, talk about fantasy.