@aliveandkicking: Sure I've considered punditry. Know any major television news networks who are short a talking head??
I don't but H might. LOL!
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For punditry you need a really crappy book that gets a lot of attention. Maybe after the Big Divorce Book is published I'll get on Oprah. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, talk about fantasy.
I'm not sure there aren't other ways or mediums appropriate for your talent and political musings/insights. Just think about it, I guess.
I'd have to say that the absolute go-to would be divorced-and-happily remarried gf (who was awesome during my tour in Iraq for WAW), followed @ quite a distance by 3 HS-now-FB friends who are all divorcing now as well - the 4 do a lot of commiserating and mutual encouragement, while DHRGF does the real emotional heavy-lifting and support. Curiously, DHRGF also seems to be something of a DB ally - she's indicated to WAW on several convos "how great" she thinks it would be if we patched it together because she "loves" me "so much."
... the 4 do a lot of commiserating and mutual encouragement, while DHRGF does the real emotional heavy-lifting and support.
Sooner or later an OM will show up esp. now she's "separated". Don't fall for the "ally" part - its much weaker than the "commiserating". Your "tour of duty" (thanks to Dubbya and Saddam) probably was fertile ground for the seed to be planted in WAW's brain. I think all this DBing dulls the wits into hoping and giving them the benefit of doubt, etc. I bet you she has a plan all worked out in her head to play out the fantasy.
... the 4 do a lot of commiserating and mutual encouragement, while DHRGF does the real emotional heavy-lifting and support.
Sooner or later an OM will show up esp. now she's "separated". Don't fall for the "ally" part - its much weaker than the "commiserating". Your "tour of duty" (thanks to Dubbya and Saddam) probably was fertile ground for the seed to be planted in WAW's brain. I think all this DBing dulls the wits into hoping and giving them the benefit of doubt, etc. I bet you she has a plan all worked out in her head to play out the fantasy.
I'm not sure why I'm taking such offense at this post...I guess since the LBS can't control the WAS behavior, I just don't see the point in speculating or projecting. My best friend who divorced her H 2 years ago still hasn't hooked up with anyone (and yes she's attractive). When you find yourself well over 35 and single with children, getting a good shtup is not usually the first priority.
Is there something constructive to take from your post? Is it just to be prepared for OP to show up? Cuz, how the heck do you prepare for that?Personally, I am keenly aware that it is a likelihood in my sitch but I'll have to cross that bridge when I get there...
Children or no children ... Except in rare cases what do you suppose is one of the biggest motivators for such WAW? An OM is the ultimate in 'commiseration' and the WAW will be sure to seek out all those who will commiserate. And once an OM gets involved its like terminal cancer. Often you don't even know for months that the disease has already taken hold. What I'm trying to say is ... be prepared ... how? I dunno. But when you come to that bridge unawares you will feel (at least if you are a man) very violated, disgusted and afraid for your kids.
@fb2: While it might well prove to be the case that Joe OM is rubbing another man's rhubarb, I'm just not concerned about it. If there is, so be it. "Separation is dress rehearsal for divorce." I expect it is so. But as I have posted ad nauseum here, I fully expect to get divorced. If WAW needs that itch scratched, she's going to get it scratched. And, like as not, so will I.
As for DHRGF, I do believe she is in fact an ally. She and I have (I suppose "had" now is a more accurate construction) a very good, and even close, relationship over the years. She was with WAW when WAW made the decision that she was going to get a D. She knew I was getting a divorce before I did! But WAW has now reported -- unless she's lying outright -- at least 4 separate conversations where it has been DHRGF who has brought up the subject of reconciliation to WAW and has said how happy she'd be with that outcome. And DHRGF is someone WAW has known over 30 years -- not someone who'd feel the need for BS Happy Talk.
Which leads us into today's update (and I may go on a business trip this week which will cut deeply into my time-consumingwork-avoiding support-seeking here).
WAW returned last night; did the usual kid stuff; came downstairs while I was reading; fixed herself some food. I went into the bathroom to begin to shut down the operating system and hit the sack -- was very tired after a 5-mile run and 2 hours of tennis, along with bike-riding and putt-putt with the offspring (regrettably neither Moon Pies nor RC Cola could be located to complete the putt-putt experience, and if you live below the Mason-Dixon you'll know what I mean).
Went into the dining room, sat down across the table from WAW, and made with the usual pleasantries: How was DHRGF, what's her H like, how was dinner with Friends 1 & 2? Received the usual pleasant answers: Fine, nice (but quiet, too quiet for me), good, had the fish, etc.
Then WAW asks: "So, have you thought about us?"
Ah-oooga! Ah-ooga! Dive! Dive! Rig for silent running! Rig for depth charge! (Just watched that Clark Gable submarine movie the other day.)
Ummmmm. No? Maybe? Not any more than usual. What do you mean by that?
And WAW explained that she wondered if I'd thought about the Great Medium Email Imbroglio of 2009 anymore. She has, and it bothers her; she still doesn't like conflict; she's just not cut out for it.
And I heard and validated and when WAW asked what my feelings were about it, I told her that perhaps it was an artifact of my childhood but I never expected a long-term relationship to be conflict-free. That two people as smart and strong-willed and determined to prove themselves right as we often are were bound to have minor conflicts, but that I didn't think such things were fatal -- just the normal peaks and valleys of life, one of the reasons why there's "better and worse" in the marital vows.
And she heard and validated and asked what my opinion was on relationships, and I shared some thoughts on relationships generally and my view of what's desirable in them -- much too convoluted and long to be posted here. Suffice it to say they range from social dissolution in America to Shiva to re-enacting roles we learn in childhood and back again. Short version is that, from my POV, WAW has a somewhat static view of relationships. She heard and validated, clarified her position on relationships, taking issue (sans conflict) with my POV, but not elaborating much more beyond that.
WAW teared-up a bit as I talked about my evolving views about relationships and, when I was done, asked when on earth had I started thinking about such things?
Systematically? Yes. I'd say about 4 months ago. (Laughter [N.B.: D-bomb was 4 months ago.])
"Wow. I never, ever would have thought you'd think things like that. The last thing I would have imagined. You just seemed to be on auto-pilot for so many years."
I suppose I was. But it's pretty clear to me now that auto-pilot doesn't work. Most important, significant relationship of my life, right? And I see the outcome of auto-pilot. So I suppose I recognized it was time to shape-up and start thinking.
Then WAW said, "If there's any chance of us getting back together, we're going to have get counseling on communication, because our communication is terrible."
I agreed -- cautiously -- that no matter what happens, we should probably do that, because we're going to need to communicate effectively for the next 12 years on kid-matters, especially when the crazy teen years are upon us.
She agreed, we chatted aimlessly about my potential business trip this week and then, as she does, she excused herself for bed because of an early (for her) alarm clock.
Then WAW said, "If there's any chance of us getting back together, we're going to have get counseling on communication, because our communication is terrible."
That's pretty big SP. Keep workin' it!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
