Hi Ali--you're doing great: keeping your relationship as only a PART of your life, getting on with your work, and not getting caught up in his issues. That shows such growth on your part!
He will talk to you. But it really does take 18-24 months before they're actually able to process that they hurt you. I found with my H (and read that this is what the LBS has to go through) that I could bring up things that bothered me before that point, but he couldn't really deal with them. Either he'd give me a defensive answer that I REALLY didn't want to hear (and which would differ drastically from his more clear-headed insight into that issue 18 months later), or he would withdraw. In fact, for a while if he saw me upset about anything, he'd guility assume it was about him and withdraw. It took a long time for him to be ABLE to discuss painful issues in a mature manner. But, once he got there, he couldn't stop himself, and had to keep apologizing for hurting me. Finally, he got to the point where he said he could forgive himself and let it go.
So, give yourself time, and continue getting on with your life till he's ready!
Hey Lisa, Kat, K! Seems I just need to keep plodding on for now hey?
And hi Cyrena!! You followed me here to piecing, cant believe i made it, on the other hand I always knew that I would (wierd huh). I saw a friend Tuesday, but he wanted me to drive to his after to stay the night. Last night I suggested we have Cher and G round for a barbecue. So I am not being too clingy with him and I am carrying on like before in lots of ways, as you say and involving friends, making it all fun and light so far...Thanks for saying it will take 18 months-2 years, you just reminded me, thats how long it took me after my EA before I was REALLY sorry and able to talk openly and also to forgive myself. So, yep, WAY too early yet!
Its hard though.. the more attached to him I get, the more nervous/insecure I feel (only a little, but its popping up here and there). I just called him but he sounded a bit not so bothered and a little distracted..so then I wasnt so confident with him! Grr. We are going back home tommorow for the weekend, together. SIL is having a baby and is in labour now. He still hasnt told me where we are staying, but I have a horrible feeling he may want to take me to my Mums or something and he will go to his. I hope not, I am still close to MIL and I am sure she would love to have us to stay, like we used to.
BUT, its the first visit home since Sept 07 where we are back to 'normal', as a couple.. so it makes it official now. Its a big milestone. My parents nearly saw him this week.. they were nearby with friends and I met them for a drink Monday night, he phoned 3 times when I was out, so I had invited him to join us, but he actually admitted he was nervous to meet my Mum (hasnt since we split)..I told him she would love to see him and he didnt have to worry about it at all. So.. we may see them this weekend, they want to and I want to get it out the way. Its going to be a big weekend, with SIL having the baby and being around his brother and MIL. I am excited.
AND he is coming to stay here tonight so we can get going at 6am, so another first.. he's only been into my bedroom once, briefly, after we split, just to stroke the cat.
I read somewhere that astrologically, this weekend and Friday in particular is like the "day of reckoning" for wherever you have paid your dues over the past months and months.. when you finally see the fruits of your labours (or not, depending on how you have handled it).. and its the day we go back home as a couple. So I hope it goes alrught and doesnt freak him out !!!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I wish it would be easier for him to talk about how he hurt you too, but I'm afraid that conversation won't come from him for a long, long while. In fact, it may never come at all.
He may do things to say how sorry he was, but never really "tell" you about his guilt. That may be how he chooses to deal w/it.
You'll need to decide when the time comes if what he is able to do is enough for you. For now, you'll just need to find a way to deal w/the ghosts of the past two years and see if you can learn to co-exist w/them enough to where you can eventually ignore their existence.
I wish you luck w/that one b/c I know how hard it would be for me and I'm sure the others who have dealt w/it are saying similar things.
It will be natural for you to be a bit unsure of him for quite a while and it is ultimately up to him to prove to you that he's back and back for good.
Keep moving forward, but try to temper your expectations of him. Allow everything he does to be a wonderful, unexpected surprise during this time period. It is a lot to ask, but I know you can do it b/c you know how much benefit the end result will be.
You've struggled through two years and now that he's back, the struggle will be even tougher, but in a much different way.
Just wanted to drop by and well, ya' know - say I hope things are going really well...
I can appreciate the weirdness! But blokes are weird creatures! They simply don't operate in the same way as women - the answers you crave will come...but I think - when he gets more comfortable and secure - that's when they'll come...and then, at that point - there'll only be a small window of opportunity... cos blokes - if I understand the species correctly(being one!) will want to spew it (and I'm typing this with some knowledge of said species!!!) and then move on to the future and onwards to the best bits without looking back!!!
Ali - what I'm saying is - if you're looking for a full blown, heart-felt apology and explanation - that might well be something your BF is going to find pretty difficult! Its not him! Its his genes so to speak! He will want to tell you but he can't! Not that he doesn't want to - he simply doesn't have the words and language to do it! In you BF's world things have moved on - and for the better back with you...
And, he will want to protect you from the stuff that has happened...yet you will want to know...Ali - if you can, consign certain things to the past and then look to the future...
Ali - don't let this gender difference upset your progress... you don't want a "metro-sexual" male anyway!
Ali, I have no advice beyond what you're already getting, but I'm glad to see that things continue to perk along; just wanted to stop in and say hello! Maybe you can catch up on my thread when you have a chance; I'm feeling lonely!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Hey Dawn... I just got back home, but I will check up on you tommorow!!
Rob, Simon, Jeff.. thanks for keeping up with me, its always so useful to get a mans perspective.. so you all think, wait a while and then he will WANT to talk, to draw a line under it...I hope so, because I am curious!! And I do have the odd resentment, which I have to brush aside, so we DO need to talk.
Well, had a very stressful weekend. MIL was not frosty, but NOT friendly to me.. and we were staying with her!! It was hard for me. On top of that, SIL had the baby, but wanted NO visitors!! So MIL was her usual self-obsessed self (she has got worse, V selfish and manipulative and domineering).. and was in tears and trying to get my BF to herself.. she managed it Saturday night and I waited in the house alone after getting back from my parents, but it was fine. Frankly, I didnt care. She was clearly jealous and nose out of joint that we are back together, she enjoyed having him to herself that 18 months. He is angry at her and said he is going to talk to her about it.. I didnt make ANY fuss at all, and smiled sweetly and said, ahh, well, she's lonely and depressed, I can see its difficult.. MIL from HELL!!! He was VERY good about it though.
Me and him are getting closer and closer and very loved up. He had a horrible weekend of family stress, what with his mother in meltdown, then the baby couldnt feed abd got sick and his brother was hard work.. but in the middle of this, I took him out for lunch Saturday and we had a lovely few hours shopping.. clothes for him and underwear for me!! I made it very fun and relaxed and he was grinning the whole time and just told me, that few hours was the best part of his weekend by far.
He has been leaning on me and confiding in me about family, quite stressed and irritable (not with me).. and I got resentful at one point (hid it!!) because its like the last 2 years DID NOT HAPPEN. We are so back to our old selves (except with constant hugging, holding hands and kissing) its a joke. So he's moaning about his Mum not coping, we had a hard weekend with her and he lent on me for support and I'm listening sweetly thinking.. I went through hell for 2 years and cried so hard I can no longer wear my contact lenses and you dont even want to know how I coped??
He came to my parents for an hour, despite being very nervous, but within minutes it was fine! My Mum said, how did he cope without you all that time? He clearly loves you and you are so close, its wierd.
Yep, still got no answers!!! All I can say is, we dont seem to need to talk about anything yet (we will!) we just seem happy to be back together. I always said though, pretty much all he needs to do is just come here, put his arms around me, kiss me and we will be 95% there. I feel very lucky really. There is a minefield of things to discuss and I still dont understand why he suddenly dropped me last August for her and I want to know why he stayed with her so long and how he feels about the whole thing now, on reflection.
xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Not to put down any of our lovely men, but I don't think he has quite given himself time to reflect and I am not sure that men "need" that like we do. Sure he might "get" it here and there but not sure that he sat there just trying to evaluate the whole thing. He just knows that he feels lovely when he is with you and for now that may have to be enough. Don't over evaluate or you will stress both of you out.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I know you already know this but......one day at a time. Don't look back and try not to look too far forward either. Take every day for what it is....a gift. You know how fleeting happiness is, having lost it, and you know not to take anything in your R for granted ever again. Great lessons for all of us, right?
I couldn't be happier for you! I love reading about the things you are doing together, the time you are spending, and the rekindling of your R. In regards to what you perceive as the lack of romance, you said you really didn't have that much in your R before, right? Since that is something you are desiring, make it happen. Slowly. Do something very romantic for him. Hopefully he will take a queue from you eventually and reciprocate. If he doesn't, and you are feeling comfortable enough by that point to speak to him about it, DO!
Again Ali, I'm tickled pink that you are getting this chance that so many of us dreamed about for ourselves for so long. It's a miracle that anyone ever makes it to the other side of this disaster.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
