Thanks for sharing the letter. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with the stuff that you are.
Thanks for the support Ant
I know that if I had more time I could have put my heart into it and done better explaining my own feelings in better words but I knew that it was the last time I would see her before the trip her and OM are going on. I felt like I needed to get it to her before that for some reason.
The letter could have been a mistake that I might regret later on as far as our M but after seeing her this morning with almost tears in her eyes I cant deny that it moved her which in turn helped me. I think questioning her immoral behavior, decisions, and actions might of been the best thing I have done. Thanks to everyone here that helped me stand up and question her has made me feel better about myself. I knew the letter wasn't going to change her mind but it changed me to help me be stronger. Thank you everyone
Would you show us the letter?
I don't have it all here at work but you will get the gist of it. I felt as though I needed to get it to her asap because her and OM are going away for the weekend. A lot of it I got from others here. When I gave it to her I told her that its a shame that she will never get to see the real me. She said she would just not as a couple and I just shrugged as if to say "your loss!"
Originally Posted By: Mr Mom
W, Going through this all has released such a flood of emotion in me that I am seeing life clearly for the first time in years. You’re right to have questioned our relationship and it is something we should have dealt with long ago. I’d questioned it, too but why is it you were very ready to take a dangerous and reckless and immoral risk with this man, when you are not prepared to take a risk for me and our marriage?
You know where I stand, and that is for marriage and family. I want the loving wife I promised to spend the rest of my life with back. I want our kids to grow up under the guidance and example of two loving parents. It hurts me to know that maybe there was something wrong with me that caused you to go outside the sanctity of our marriage and seek the attention of another man. Maybe it was not me, but you; however I still wonder if there was anything I could have done different to not have had this happen.
I know we weren’t “wrong” about each other; the mistake we made was losing our way. I’ve learned enough in these couple months to see that I finally know how to cherish you as I always should have. The other day you asked "Why are you being so nice?" and I couldn’t answer you at the time but afterwards I read that "pure love is a willingness to give without a thought of receiving anything in return." This is how I felt.
It took a crisis to make me realize the obvious. As their role model, I don’t want D5 and D3 to repeat the same love mistakes I’ve made. Ironically, I especially worry about D5 for reasons that I see now and I hope her shyness and ”leave me alone" attitude doesn’t evolve the way mine did. I want to be a better example for them and to be the generation where “dysfunctional” love dies. I will do everything in my power to make sure our girls don't settle for a guy like the “old” me or a guy like the OM that I believe if he were a true man he'd want to be sure you were making the right choice and surely he'd want to have some integrity and tell you to work on your marriage and not come back. Says a lot about what kind of man he is! Do you want that kind of man for the girls or yourself?
There’s still time for them to see and get the best of us together; not the worst. I can’t take away the questions and doubts that flood you, but I can try. I can't erase the pain nor would it be fair of me to beg you to “trust me”. I can't beg and plead for you to come back. That makes me appear weak and needy. I don't need you to live my life happily; however, I want you as my loving wife because I know we are so good together. There are no magic words I can say that will bring you back to me. You have to want me and our family life. Only you can truly make yourself happy.
Mr. M,
Some of those words sound awfully familiar... ;->
And, I like how you worked those parts in...
-AlexEN
Last edited by AlexEN; 06/04/0907:02 PM.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
I think it was a good letter and I feel honored that you used parts of mine. I actually wrote 22 letters in all to my W - maybe a bit too many and most during a 2 month span following the bomb when I was emotionally heart broken, but she did thank me for them. I also recently gave her all the letters and cards that I wrote her leading up to and during our marriage - I am sure it will be painful for her to read those again as the are very sentimental. She wrote me a few heartfelt letters and cards and one that I could tell was after she had met with a counselor.
It is indeed actually better for your own peace of mind than for your W's. Writing can have a calming effect and allow you to get in words that which is difficult to speak without breaking down emotionally.
Thanks to everyone here that helped me stand up and question her has made me feel better about myself. I knew the letter wasn't going to change her mind but it changed me to help me be stronger.
No worries Mr Mom.
Listen, you have to do this to preserve your dignity and your self respect. And ... if there is any hope for your marriage it will be because you were strong like this and respected yourself.
My heart goes out to you - I know what it's like when your W goes off with OM for a weekend and it is painful beyond measure.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
I'm confused though, which letter did you give her, the one immediately above or about 10-12 posts back (and typed in blue)?
Alex, I gave her a letter that had a blend of great phrases that I found here on the boards along with a lot of my own words. All of what I gave her is how I felt, which is the main thing, even though a lot of the words were from amazing people including yourself. I have always struggled to put my feelings into words. This is something that I need to work that will take time. I'm working on it though. I have been journaling and writing down every time I want to call her. Being here has helped the most along with talking to friends. I truly have changed because I would have never opened up to anyone before this happened. Everyone that knows me sees me changing (especially the weight loss) for the better. I have everyone here to thank for the support and courage to do it.
She texted me last night and said she was changing her plans and going to take the girls with her mother today to a museum and her mother would have them over night till tomorrow and that she would be dropping the kids off to me in the morning. She had told me earlier that I would be getting the kids Friday night so I was a little upset but played it cool. I cant believe that I will have to deal with this on a weekly basis. Her constant indecisiveness, head games and using the kids to try and get me mad so she feels better about her decision. I'm not playing into it.
I know its going to be tough to talk to MIL tomorrow when she drops the kids off. The last time I talked to her everything I said got back to W. I didn't even talk to her at D3's birth day party last week. I think I said something to her but that was it. No return dialog. Other then that I just waved goodbye when she left. She smiled and waved back. Her daughter has me pegged as the bad guy so she doesn't feel bad about what shes doing. What she told me as "moving on."
Anybody have any advice on MIL interaction tomorrow? Should I give her a letter also? Telling her how I feel. Should I show her the letter that I gave the W? I read it to my mother and she cried. I don't think W would show it to her mother because it would make her feel worse.
M - The bottom line is you are still in CONVINCING MODE. This is about CONTROL. You NEED to realize that you CAN'T CONVINCE her to come back. You have to REALIZE that you have NO CONTROL OVER THE S WHAT SO EVER... Especially with words or letters. She has to see what she needs to see over a certain amount of time she determines. Are you STRONG enough for that? She also NEEDS to do this by herself and NOT w OM involved. Until that all bets r off.
About MIL. Same rules apply. NO R talk. Let your actions over time speak for themselves. Plus u never go between a mother and daughter. Just validate but no R talk. Change the convo to something positive.
