All three books sound great! I've got "Gift of Change" reserved at the library, and on a wait list for "Blue like Jazz". I'm heading over to pick it up later this morning. Thanks again!
On my nightstand I have "Before the Last Resort" which is helping me with how to pray and what to pray during the S. Also have "Wild at Heart" which helps understand why men have a need for adventure and that God created them just that way. "Eat, Pray, Love" is my just-for-fun book.
I hope you don't ignore me , but would u/s if you did - you are so giving on these boards, along with all the rest... It is an online support group and like many others, I get so much out of journaling here and reading responses, reading other threads, and looking for some positive take-aways.
We really have two choices when it comes to adversity. Hang our heads and get sucked into the pity party, or get up off the floor, continue living and make it a good life.
Yesterday, my son and I rented a wood chipper and mulched a bunch of brush my H had left on the side of the house. I hated looking at the pile and used to complain to H all the time about doing something about it. If there was a single thing I used to nag H about the most, it was the backyard and all the crap laying around. So, it was very empowering to tow the chipper over, turn on this big contraption and chop into tiny pieces all of the brush, and along with it my resentments. Done!
funny about the back yard being an issue. We're in fire country here with tons of beautiful trees but not far from big forests and mountains and canyons that do catch on fire nearly every year....So we are not supposed to have a lot of brush collecting....Yard work was theraeutic for h EXCEPT he'd often NOT finish it. He'd chop a BIG tree down and then ooops, run out of time for the rest of it and then he'd be gone and I'd stare at a huge tree on the lawn FOR MONTHS b/c on the weekends when he was home he was not in the mood to chop up a tree... until I had to pay someone to chop it up and haul it away and USUALLY h would complain about the expense....seriously! Have had same problem now with the corner of the yard which is hungrily waiting an ember so it can explode in fury for being ignored too long...
but (sigh) h is with his mom and yeah, she's getting closer to death by the week. Can't beaOTCH about that now. Soooo YOUR IDEA about the chipper thing is sounding really good. Need to go read up on it. What do I really need to rent or borrow to do it, etc.
Yeah I read Wild at Heart too, and read a book called "Before the Last Goodbye" I think. Might be what you are reading?? Anyhow, take care and in TIME, your h will regret this. But that does not mean he'll be or want to be the man you need. Just that I KNOW there is no way the course of action he is engaged in now, is a good one. Oh well.
BACK TO YOU.... (( )) j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Unfinished projects really drove me crazy... nag, nag, nag. Now I'm determined to finish them myself; not to send any kind of message to H but rather b/c I should have take some responsibility for the situation myself and I'll be happier when it's completed. Yeah, the chipper seemed intimidating but the rental place explained how it all worked and it was actually fun!
Had a good day yesterday... after being productive for several days, I just hung out with my friends at their place. The hubby is the one that works with H. Got more info than I wanted about H's behavior at work and the discomfort most of the guys feel being around H now. I guess H is blowing off all responsibility at work, hiding in the back or at the computer, spending money he doesn't have, and then the last-min vacation to Cali with OW. Seems to be MLC behavior but there's nothing I can do about that.
Told my friends I'm sure he'll come back around to his normal self at some point, but I am just moving ahead with my life now. Feel sad for H really... he has damaged so many R's with his choices - friends, our M, the kids...
So, enough about H. Back to me.. haha! Went to a girl's night party last night with some women from work I don't normally socialize with. This was part of my "yes, man" mentality - accept new invitations even if it's out of my comfort zone. Margaritas, mango sangria (yum!) and oodles of desserts. It was fun to just talk and laugh and I didn't get home until midnight. I'm going to church soon and then more yardwork today before heading back to work tmrw.
I hope anyone reading along has a wonderful Sunday. It's a beautiful weekend day in CO for a change and I'm going to make the most of it!
You know I was thinking about what you said earlier about Cali and H going with OW. I was thinking of places that I wanted to see with H. I thought what if this really doesn't work out? I felt sad at the thought that we would never get to realize those dreams. Then I realized, these countries aren't going anywhere. And for you Cali isn't going anywhere. So we can still visit them at some point if we desire. I know if we had to do it without them it wouldn't be the same but the point is we can still do the things we dreamed of. Just in a different way.
All great points Ladies....such insights. Oh, and unless "the big one" comes and drops California off the face of the map, I'll still be here too and we can have a small DBers' convention of sorts. I don't know what to make of the trips/activities they're suddenly willing to do but I read about that A LOT here. Does reek more of the MLC stuff. So does the damage being done to the other R"s of his. I read somewhere that you know a person is wrong for you if they dont' bring out your best (b/c maybe they're insecure or threatened or somehow hold you back, etc.) so when I hear of these A's that actually damage the OTHER parts of the WAS's life, I have to think, "What a mistake!" It's NOT "the love of his life" at all. It's a disaster he's blind to. And you can't get his eyes to see that. Only he can. BACK TO YOU....
No, back to ME and MY questions.....Mtn, since you have now FORCED me to wake up and take some responsibility for my yard, which I was previously going to keep mentally nagging H about....then YOU have to give me a few tips...so tell me now, what "equipment" can I rent or buy or whatever, to get thru my Jumanji like jungle section of the yard.
If money were no object I'd hire large men with machetes but money IS an object. You are right also when you say instead of me staring/fuming at H's mess (he gets here in late June AND his mom is close to death, so I can't just wait for him to come home and then say, "GO DO YARD WORK!")
Can't I rent/buy one of those super duper mulching lawnmower things like what the bad corporations do in the Amazon when they want to stop the "reforestation"? Only smaller? I need a DIY class. Last week I had a stopped up toilet and YES I went out and bought "a snake" , and used the heck out of it and still, no dice. Totally useless as far as I could tell. SO I called NOT a plumber but a "rota rrooter" guy who ONLY unclogs- and he came out to the house ($75 on a Sunday) and in 5 minutes or less, had it working. I said, "What's the diff between your snake and mine?" HE said, (I SWEAR) "My snake is bigger and goes in farther, and I know what to do with it when it's in...." How many guys can say that with a straight face and mean every word??
Talk to you soon, thanks for the good point about taking some responsibility for stuff H did, right or wrong, it has been there a LONG time and I need to handle it now....darn, SO MUCH EASIER TO STARE AT THEIR MESS AND KEEP BLAMING...hmm, wait, no! It's NOT that easy. It'd be easiert to fix it myself and then brag about it....EXCELLENT POINTS!
Sorry about the sudden trips your guys are now taking. I believe at least once while there, that it crosses their mind that "Mtn/Kara would have liked this..." I really believe that. But the guilt of that thought will chase it out of the mind fast....but I KNOW if you've spoken of visiting a place before but "could not go" and NOW he can go...yes I think they remember that. With regret and shame, but most WAS's don't handle guilt of shame well at all. IF they did, we'd all approach things way differently.
I think I told you about that first trip to Italy I took our kids on( w/o H b/c he was in the tundra, and it was our 25th anniversary), you might start putting some money away (I mean like $20 a pop) but it does add up faster than you think. For every pizza NOT ordered, I'd put $25 away, and for a medical conf I didn't attend with h, or rent TWO hotel rooms b/c of bringing the kdis, I'd put in a chunk MORE $$...and in less than a year, I went with the kids to Florence and Rome and it was good for me and the kids in multiple ways...and yes, H noticed. But who cares? WE HAD A BLAST... And yeah, just a few weeks ago, ALL of us just went on a trip to Europe for d20's show--she was there a semester for theater and gave us THE perfect excuse for going, so why not keep on going and see some more? So then we went on to see other countries, and h's brother took care of the mil while we were away, and we ALL had a really good time. SOoooooo who knows what the future holds? I doubt that the trip we just took, would have happened that way if I had not taken the kids on the earlier trip and "proved" we didn't need h to come along for US to have fun...anything like that possible for you?
Regardless, Ladies, keep on doing what you are doing b/c you are doing so well and people need to see, that even if "things don't work out, (meaning reconciliation) that in the end, THINGS DO WORK OUT"...make sense?
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Mexico! I thought about it this afternoon while I was working outside... and a Mexican beach was a place that H always said he'd take me after ski season so we could wiggle our toes in the sand and do as much or as little as we wanted. Well, Kara, you are so RIGHT! I can still go and the kids and I will have a great time. So, 25, starting today I'll sock away a little cash each time I don't go out to eat, etc. and we'll create a Mexico fund for next summer after my S graduates from HS.
My family (18 of us) went to Playa del Carmen when my kids were much younger, and I'd love to go back. So, that's the plan!
Last week I had a stopped up toilet and YES I went out and bought "a snake" , and used the heck out of it and still, no dice. Totally useless as far as I could tell. SO I called NOT a plumber but a "rota rooter" guy who ONLY unclogs- and he came out to the house ($75 on a Sunday) and in 5 minutes or less, had it working. I said, "What's the diff between your snake and mine?" HE said, (I SWEAR) "My snake is bigger and goes in farther, and I know what to do with it when it's in...." How many guys can say that with a straight face and mean every word??
Haha!! That the funniest thing I heard in weeks!!!
Cali would also be fun! And Europe... I'm so envious! I love that you went with your kids and w/out H... and it sounds like it got his attention, but that wasn't really the point was it? Way to pick yourself up despite the fact it was your 25th Anniversary, and plan a memorable trip for your family. It also sounds like your most recent trip was exciting! How fun for your D to study theater overseas! That's awesome!
My two sisters and I went to Europe 11 years ago now to meet my niece in Paris and bring her back to the states from Africa where my brother was a missionary. She was ready for HS and came back to the US to finish up. So, we met her in Paris and spent a week touring around France, and then a week in the Swiss Alps hiking around. It would be great to re-create that trip with my sisters... maybe after the kids are out of the house. For now, I'll set my sights on a beach in the Mexican Riviera.
So, the jungle you call your yard...! I'd suggest a powerful weed wacker first, then mow over it. And yes, the rental places should have a heavy duty mower . If it's a really big job, go over to a power-equipment rental place and just explain what your challenge is and see what they suggest. Won't that be a nice gift to your H upon his return... one less thing for him to worry about during the decline of his momma. Good thinking!
Lastly, about H's and MLC... it is a disaster and the one in the crisis is the only person that can pull themselves out. I guess I find it somehow easier to be patient and empathize thinking of it in these terms. Just have to keep on taking care of things here, and working on my shortcomings & opportunities, and we'll see what happens.
I'm still very hopeful, I will admit, that H will wake up sooner rather than later. I know that God is in control. I pray he's watching over H and that if it's meant to be, H and I will get a second chance. That is out of my hands though, so I just keep on moving ahead. One foot in front of the other...
I'm reminded of a line in Sleepless in Seattle when Sam is on the phone with the radio therapist and discussing how to continue on with life:
Quote:
Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.
OK, well it wasn't perfect... but it was pretty good and I'd love the chance to make it as wonderful as it could be.
This afternoon, I read my new novel "Eat, Pray, Love" out on the porch with a cold beer and just enjoyed relaxing in the sun, with a gentle breeze blowing. It's a good book so far... the main character is a lady going thru a D, and there's some good insight into the WAS and later the desperation many of us can identify with as we try to "save" our Rs. I'm only abt 30 pages in.
mnt...I read this book, and I thought it was great! Let me know what you think of it when you are done...
, but would u/s if you did - you are so giving on these boards, along with all the rest... It is an online support group and like many others, I get so much out of journaling here and reading responses, reading other threads, and looking for some positive take-aways.
Haha!! That the funniest thing I heard in weeks!!!