Stages of a MLC

[Mach1]

Stuck,

That info is so crucial in this. I found that, and it became almost a rallying cry for me.

I had actually found a few different articles that got me through the toughest part of this.....understanding.

I'll paste them here too, since I don't have a thread.....

A few things pasted together .....


Now there are two kinds of divorce that happen, sort of at the same time. One is the legal divorce, and the other one is the emotional divorce.

We get the two confused.

We think we're going to stop the emotional divorce by stopping the legal divorce. The more you try to stop the legal side of divorce, the more rebellious he or she feels.

The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.

Everybody thinks, professionals and non-professionals alike, they say to have a happy marriage or a happy relationship, you have to work at it.

But it's the working that makes it not work right now.

When you criticize, you're working at improving your mate.

When you complain to your lover, you're working at improving them.

When you argue, you're working at improving them.

When you try to reason with them.

When you tell them how much you love them.

Both when you're reasoning and when you're telling them how much you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at changing them. And it's that working at changing them, that is the only problem.

Proof? You want proof?

Stop all of that, and watch the relationship get better.

Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.

It's perfectly okay.

And watch them improve themselves.

Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.

You have put the white flag up.

You've thrown your gun down.

That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.

It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.

Agree with them.

Do not disagree at all.

It's not to your advantage.
....Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.

Every time you say to them, "But, I love you," you are saying, "but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important."

Lots of times men tell their wives, "I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed."

I tell the husbands that "Every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed."

"Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that."

"Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?"

"Yeah, I want her back."

"That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're saying, 'Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want."

And subconsciously, she says, "He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way."

[MrBond]

Great addition!

[braveheart]

I truly think the stages need to be revisited and revised. Granted there are some things I find relevant, but I think there are many others that aren't. I have yet to see one MLC case play out as it has been listed. I am aware that this is only a guideline, but as a whole I am not sure its accurate any longer. Snodderly, if you are following this post, I think you would be the perfect person to revise this based on all of your experiences.

[MrBond]

All MLC cases are different based on the person. In my sitch, my W's actions match these very carefully.

This is definitely not a scientific or exact list to be sure.

Others should post their own experiences here too. That'd be great.

[forward]

I have noticed that the WASs do tend to move through these stages, but not consistently and clearly--more of a big mess.

It also seems that most of them have a time when they want S back...or they at least make gestures in that direction. Sadly, much of the time the LBS doesn't want them any more.

I once posted the stages we go through as LBSsers. I am finding that I am moving in good, healthy directions.

[job]

Braveheart,
If my memory serves me correctly, the stages were first written by James Conway many years ago. Jim Conway wrote about them because they were the stages that he experienced when he went through his own crisis. Jim's description of the stages was very easy to understand and follow.

The stages are actually modeled after the grieving process, with the one exception of replay. Timelines do not exist when it comes to the process because everyone moves/heals at a different pace. How a person reacts in crisis is very different from the next person in crisis. There is no set steps involved in the crisis. An individual can be in 1 or more stages at once, i.e., exhibiting anger one minute then happy as a clam and back into anger again. Replay, depression and withdrawal can all be played out at the same time. Again, they do not do step 1, then step 2 and then step 3. They are like pin balls bouncing around and off the walls. Why? Because they are operating on emotions and not thinking rationally. Emotions and depression fuel the crisis and it takes a very long time for things to settle down for them, just as it does for someone grieving for a lost loved one. No two people, situations or timelines are alike...each is different in one way or another.

I read Jim's book and the book that his late wife, Sally, wrote years ago. Both were excellent and very much spot on with how a crisis evolves. Reading their books is where my journey began w/understanding the crisis.

HB's postings are her own interpretation of the stages. She took what Jim had written and then used it to create her own postings, sharing what she had witnessed w/her own h in crisis. The timelines that she addressed in her postings were the timelines that she was able to narrow down w/her own h's crisis.

With that being said, my advice is this, read the stages, but do not put a lot of stock in them when it comes to them being step by step and I definitely do not put a lot of faith in the timelines because there are entirely too many variables that can change everything in a New York minute.

[trustingfaith]

I read these stages awhile back which gave me some great insight. I do see my H as bouncing between 3-5 right now with occasionally a little anger thrown in though thankfully not much at all anymore.

[Red Hope]

I enjoyed reading this I not to sure if my W is in MLC or WAS. I think I'm a little confused with all this, not knowing which way to treat our situation.

[sandi2]

Hi Stuck,

I appreciate you posting the information regarding the person in MLC. It is true that each case is to be seen as individual, however, it helps newcomers a lot! I wanted to add that even though it is called "mid-life".....a person does not necessarily have to be mid-life age for this to happen to. I am a keen example of that. I have never read on the board about any other person waiting as late in life to have this type of crises like I did. Some have doubted that I had a MLC, and it is true that mine was not in the extreme that some are.....but I had these symptoms described and I know exactly how the person feels. I happened to have been blessed enough to find this board and take advantage of the help offered. I shudder to think where I might be today if I had not found this board and received the information that I did.

So, what you posted is good for both sides of the fense. You see, I did not realize what was happening to me. I had heard of MLC, but I had no earthly idea it included all that it does. Also, I had mostly heard of it in the context of just men hitting 50 and buying a red sport's car. So many people are not informed about this horrible condition that can happen to us.

I admire the LBS that has the love and patient to outlast a MLC and can piece their M back together.

Take care,
Sandi

P.S. Stuck, I answered your post on my thread.

[MrBond]

bump